Let me name your fantasy team again
Think this was the second or third blog I ever posted on the Liver. Now here I am a year later to run it back. Time flies when you’re having diarrhea for a good portion of most days. The 2023 NFL Season is underway as of this writing, which means you should have your fantasy roster locked and loaded. Now all you need is a great name. Well, as it turns out, naming fantasy teams is one of my three skills — writing and sweating without physical exertion/ the presence of heat being the other two.
As a reminder of my formula: the name either has to be a play on the name of a player(s) on your roster or a general football pun. No bullshit like “Dave’s Army” or something.
Here’s are my team names this season:
I should mention I have Jerick McKinnon and Elijah Moore on that first team and Derrick Henry + multiple members of the NY Jets on the second. That latter strategy surely won’t backfire. Alright best teams names by position, here we go. Note: I wrote all of these rapid fire in a 45-minute Beautiful Mind brain dump so brace yourselves.
Quarterbacks
1. Return of the Mac (Mac Jones)
Easy, everyone gets it. Do I advise having Mac Jones on your fantasy team? No. But this is a mild option for a work league or something.
2. Howell at the Moon OR With a Midnight Howell (Sam Howell)
Hopefully there are some Billy Idol fans amongst my demographic of 20-something year olds.
3. You Got a Purdy Mouth (Brock Purdy)
Any fans of the movie Deliverance? Nope? Really dating myself with a reference to a movie that came out 20 years before I was born
4. Pat Bottomed Girls (Patrick Mahomes)
Alright seriously how old am I?
5. Up to the Trask (Kyle Trask)
He lost the starting job so it would seem he was not in fact up to the Trask
6. Tua Lipa & Davante (Tua Tagovailoa and Davante Adams)
I think Da Baby is cancelled but no one’s judging you in fantasy
7. #LoveWins (Jordan Love)
Show your support for legislation that passed 8 years ago
8. Tracy Chapman’s Fast Carr (Derek Carr)
Luke Combs just covered this so it’s relevant! Can’t age me on this one.
9. The Pickett Line (Kenny Pickett)
For the fantasy owner who needs people to know about their activism. Everyone hates you btw.
10a. Stroud as a Peacock (CJ Stroud)
10b. I Think You Should Levis (Will Levis)
Take a chance on a rookie, even a third string one.
Running Backs
1. The Jahmyr Gibbs Talk Show (Jahmyr Gibbs)
Homage to a great SNL sketch. Perhaps not the best timing given that Fallon is apparently a nightmare of a boss on top of being an unfunny alcoholic.
2. I’ve got the Ekeler
Ironically, your lineup usually doesn’t give you the ick if you have Ekeler. Christ, this blog is turning into Buzzfeed.
3. Dobbins is a Free Elf! (J.K. Dobbins)
4. The Book of Elliot (Ezekiel Elliot)
For you fans of Denzel Washington or obscure Biblical characters
5. Ketchup and Mostert (Raheem Mostert)
6. Too Many Cooks in the Division (James Cook, Dalvin Cook)
A play on “Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen” that is almost certainly over the allowed character count
7. Cold Glass of Charbonnet (Zach Charbonnet)
This is gonna lend itself to a lot of good names
8. Charbonneted Water (Zach Charbonnet)
See?
9. ChatCMC
Idk ChatGPT is popular rn, I was running out of ideas for running backs at this point
Wideouts
1. OnlyVans (Van Jefferson)
Coming in hot right out of the gate
2. The Hop Slide (DeAndre Hopkins)
Y’all remember that viral cop slide? Shit was the song of the summer.
3. CeeDeeC Recommendations (CeeDee Lamb)
Cases are rising again or whatever idk who cares anymore
4. The Battle of Tyreek Hill OR Weird Hill to Die On (Tyreek Hill)
That was probably a legal battle given his history
5. Attila Jahan (Jahan Dotson)
C’mon this is pretty clever
6. April Showers Bring Zay Flowers (Zay Flowers)
BC produced a good player, how bout that?
7. The Meyers-Diggs Test (Jakobi Meyers + Stefon Diggs)
8. Charkuterie Board (DJ Chark)
9. Emily in Parris (Parris Campbell)
An allusion to a very mid show for a very mid player
10. The Temple of Amon-Ra (Amon-Ra St. Brown)
Pretty sure this is actually what it’s called. Rami Malek played a pharoah or some shit by that name in Night at the Museum
11. Mahomes and Watson (Patrick Mahomes & Christian Watson)
12. Slim Pickens (George Pickens)
Great name if you’re in one of those awful 16-team work leads and have like one real starter on your roster. Get ready to lose 68-57 to Jill from accounting.
Tight Ends
1. Just Haven’t Kmet You Yet (Cole Kmet)
Who doesn’t like a little Bublé?
2. Dulcich de Leche (Greg Dulcich)
3. The Magic Conklin (Tyler Conklin)
Obey the Conk.
4. Feeling Dissly, Might Fant (Will Dissly, Noah Fant)
Not sure why the Seahawks have multiple tight ends with inner ear issues
5. McBride to Be (Trey McBride)
6. Mayer of Las Vegas (Michael Mayer)
7. Hooper Drives the Boat Chief (Austin Hooper)
If you don’t get this I hate you. Watch Jaws.
8. Kincaid Shaming (Dalton Kincaid)
We don’t Kincaid shame in this house
9. Musgrave Digger (Luke Musgrave)
Kickers
1. Ha, Gayyyyyy (Matt Gay)
2. Large Mouthed Bass (Tyler Bass)
3. Moody Blume’s Tale of a 3rd Round Kicker (Jake Moody)
I’m proud of this one.
4. Pretty Slye for a White Guy (Joey Slye)
5. He Touched the Butker (Harrison Butker)
Funny name but cut this dude from your team. Guy has cost me no less than 1,000 bets. Starting to feel personal at this point.
6. The Scottish Rylands (Chad Ryland)
He’s not Scottish so this doesn’t really make sense
7. Boswell That Ends Well (Chris Boswell)
8. If You Don’t Know, Now Gano (Graham Gano)
This one is objectively sick
Defense/Special Teams
1. HBO Maxx (Raiders DST/Maxx Crosby)
Sorry, it’s just Maxx now
2. Bosa Deez Nutz (49ers DST/Nick Bosa)
3. Derwin at All Costs (Chargers DST/Derwin James)
4. Viva la Vita (Bucs DST/Vita Vea)
Hottest song of 2008
5. Watt’s Love Got to Do With It (Steelers DST/TJ Watt)
6. The Micah Parsons Project (Cowboys DST/Micah Parsons)
Seriously how old am I? I never even listened to this band.
7. Bosa Deez Nutz (Chargers DST/Joey Bosa)
People forget there’s two of them
8. Malibu Darby (Ravens DST/Ronald Darby)
This would work a lot better if he got traded to the Rams or Chargers
My Top Fantasy Name of 2023
Flex Change Operation
Look me in the eyes and tell me that isn’t hysterical
Best of luck this year Fatties. If I didn’t give you a name here send me a pic of your roster. I’ll come up with something.
