Let me name your fantasy team

NFL football is finally back this evening, which means so too is my will to live.

An unsurprising fact for those who know me is that I LOVE fantasy football. I take it more seriously than I do most things in my actual life, namely my health or general hygiene. I once said in college that I’d rather win a fantasy championship than have a 4.0 GPA all throughout college. And I still mean that to this day. Your GPA is a number that you forget when you’re 22 (think I was in the low 3’s nbd). Championship banners fly forever.

But in addition to loving the game itself, I love the process of naming your fantasy team. As a personal rule, the name always has to be a play on the name of a player(s) on your roster. And I’m VERY good at coming up with team names. Not a brag, just a fact. Exhibits A and B below, my two squads this season:

So with that said, here are my favorite fantasy team names that I thought up out of boredom. I tried to include a few players at each position. None of these are in use in either of my leagues so they’re all fair game if you want to claim ‘em. Let’s dive in:

Quarterbacks

1. May I Have This Lance (Trey Lance)
   Simple. To the point. Easily understandable. Don’t need to reinvent the wheel here.

2. Courtyard by Mariota (Marcus Mariota)
   This is the best one I came up with by a country mile. It’s all downhill from here. Thought about doing Courtland by Mariota and including Courtland Sutton in the mix but I couldn’t flex on y’all that hard.

3. Smoker’s Goff (Jared Goff)

4. Batman vs. the Ridder (Desmond Ridder)
   This would have been topical like 3-4 months ago.

5. All Up in My Fields (Justin Fields)

6. Rainbow Herbert (Justin Herbert)
   References a tasty treat and shows you’re not homophobic. Win-win.

Running Backs

1. Penny For Your Thots (Rashaad Penny)
   Really going for mass appeal here. It references an old-timey expression so parents will find it cute and appropriate, not knowing what ‘thot’ stands for. Whereas the young-timers will appreciate the alternative spelling of thought because it makes the name cool and sexy. Spelling Thots with a Z at the end is an appropriate substitution.

2. Dream of Cali-Fournette-cation (Leonard Fournette).
   Hand up, this was a stretch

3. Ake and Bake (Cam Akers)
   Keep it simple. Dude plays in Cali and weed is tight.

4. ETienne Phone Home (Travis Etienne Jr.)

5. Breece’s Kupps (Breece Hall + Cooper Kupp)
   Little multi-player two-in-one here.

6. Cut the Cordarrelle (Cordarrelle Patterson)
   Fuck cable am I right guys?! *Pays increased cable bill.

7. Chillin’ Like a Dillon (AJ Dillon)

Wideouts

1. Knockin’ on Evans Door OR At Evans Gate (Mike Evans)
   If you’re in a league with your dad, I’d go with something like this. Reminds him of the music of his youth and the creeping inevitably of death all in one fell swoop.

2. Lamb to the Sloter (CeeDee Lamb)
   Kyle Sloter is a free agent QB for those who don’t know. I just like getting his name out there.

3. Jeudysm (Jerry Jeudy)
   Is it my most creative? No. Is it my least creative? Yes.

4. One if By Courtland, Two if By CeeDee (Courtland Sutton + CeeDee Lamb again)
   Shoutout to the homie Paul Revere fr fr.

5. Slim Pickens (George Pickens)
   This guy’s pretty thin too so it works on a few levels.

6. They’re Goin’ Lamb (CeeDee Lamb x3)
   I think this is a TikTok song or some shit? Idk I just replaced ham with lamb, don’t hand me a Pulitzer yet.

7. The Plain White Tee’s (Tee Higgins)
   Believe it or not, that’s not how the band spells it.

8. Turnover on Browns (Multiple)
   AJ Brown, Hollywood Brown, and Antonio Brown if he ever comes back from that Jesus concert at Red Rocks. Take your pick. Lot of versatility here.

Tight Ends

1. Hocken Loogies (TJ Hockenson)
   Classic. Every guy can relate to it. Love Hocken a good loog.

2. Hock Blocked (Also TJ Hockensen)
   Little bit more edgy. Maybe you’re going for the shock factor.

3. Hot Girl Hock (Just draft TJ Hockensen)
   I prefer an Average Guy Amble™ but that’s just me.

4. Pitts Stain (Kyle Pitts)
   If you’re the one big, always sweaty guy in the league, this will go over huge.

5. Hunter Gatherer (Hunter Henry AND Hunter Renfrow)
   This one seems lame on the surface but is kind of sick if you have both Hunters. You’re literally a Hunter gatherer.

6. Money Where Your Muth is (Pat Freiermuth)

7. HBO’s Hard Knox (Dawson Knox)

8. Gesicko Mode (Mike Gesicki)

Kickers

1. Folk the Patriarchy (Nick Folk)

   Maybe you’re a fan of Succession and appreciate the reference. Or maybe you’re a weird, niche activist who expresses their beliefs via fantasy football message boards. Either way, you can’t miss here. Also Folk is kind of a catch-all substitute for any phrases using the word ‘fuck’ so take that in whatever direction you want.

2. Bass Pro Shops (Tyler Bass)
   Fully admit I was running out of steam by this point in the list.

3. Gano Means No (Graham Gano)
   Never a bad time or place to preach consent.

4. Pretty Slye For a White Guy (Joey Slye)
   One hundo percent over the character limit, but I thought it was funny so it’s here now.

5. Cade York State of Mind (Cade York)
   Again, was very tired by the end of this.

Bonus: Triple Player Combo

1. Too Many Cooks Spoil the Goff
   Yeah this one is niche as hell, but if you somehow have Brandin Cooks, Dalvin Cook, and Jared Goff on your team, you have to name your team this. That’s way too good to go to waste. That’s a 3-player, 3-position combo. God I’m good.

Also, if I didn’t come up with one for someone on your team because I was two busy doing 20 variations of TJ Hockensen, (Hunger Games: Hockingjay), shoot me a pic of your roster. I’ll come up with something for you.