I’m done(est): The Fatty Liver fixes BC Football
6 years and 60 pounds ago I wrote a post for a now defunct BC blog. The post was simply titled: I’m Done.
The blog was in response to BC’s infamous 3-0 loss to Wake Forest. Not in soccer. Not in baseball. In football. In the year 2015, Boston College lost a football game 3-0. Making matters worse, I’m pretty sure we had the number 1 defense in college football that year.
Side note: what a loser that dude is getting hyped up about the win. Yeah you won the game, but did you really? That’s a game where you go back to the locker room, say “a win’s a win but we have to be a whole lot better than that if we want to beat X” and chug a glass of scotch before throwing the glass against the wall of your office out of frustration.
Anyways, I thought that was the lowest point I had or ever would experience as a lifelong fan of Boston College athletics. But then just 5 months later this happened:
Yep, under the leadership of tweedle dee and tweedle dumbass (pictured above), BC managed to go a combined 0-26 in ACC play between basketball and football in the 2015-2016 season. Do you have any idea how bad that is? You can’t even say “that hasn’t been done since ‘Nam” because that feat predates the Vietnam War. Georgia was the last Power 5 school to go defeated in conference play in both basketball and football and that was in 1943. And I think it’s safe to assume that their players were pre-occupied with more important, more Nazi-ish things, so they get a pass. If you’re going to be terrible, at least be terrible because you’re trying to end fascism.
To make matters worse, neither head coach got fired after that season. In fact, neither head coach would get fired until 4 years later.
This was pathetic.
This was a school that simply didn’t care that they were a national laughingstock.
THIS was my officially rock bottom as a BC fan. Accordingly, I wrote a new blog titled: I’m Done(er).
And since then, I’ve sat dormant. No, BC basketball didn’t made the NCAA Tournament once in that time. And BC football didn’t make a bowl game that wasn’t sponsored by a midwestern tire company/the entire city of Birmingham, Alabama for some reason. But that was fine.
They were never anything close to good or even competent, but at least they weren’t outright pathetic. They just floated peacefully in that beautiful purgatory we call mediocrity. And for six blissful years, that’s where they remained.
Until now.
A football season that some predicted to be BC’s best since the bygone days of Matt Ryan, fully derailed this past Saturday when the Boston College Eagles lost, for the very first time in history, to the University of Connecticut.
The loss drops BC to 2-6 on the season and 3rd in my personal power rankings of New England football schools behind UConn and Northeastern, whose team hasn’t existed since 2009. In a pathetic, flaccid, heartless performance, the BC Eagles got nearly shutout by one of the worst teams in college football in recent years.
And with that, I’ve finally sunken lower into the abyss. BC has managed to break what was already broken. To numb that which was already sedated.
So that’s it. I once proclaimed that I was done with this program. Then later, I defiantly announced I was done(er) with this wretched excuse of a team. But the Eagles have reached a depth that even James Cameron’s weird submarine thing couldn’t reach. As it pertains to Boston College football, I’m done(est).
Now in blogs past, I would dive into specifics around player performances, coaching, who needs to be fired, etc. but I’m not going to do that here. BC football is beyond the point of routine adjustments. Running the triple option won’t suddenly change a broken culture. No, the only solution here is to start over. To tear this program down and build it from scratch. We need to blow it up. So with that, here are my proposals for how the Fatty Liver can fix BC football:
Proposal One: Literally blow it up
The fans have rightfully lost faith in the Eagles. How do we show them we’re serious about real, organizational change? Blow up the stadium.
I’m big into being literally metaphorical, so by actually blowing up Alumni, we show that we’re both literally and figuratively going to rebuild the program. Gets people’s attention, demonstrates an irreversible commitment to change, and gets us a less shitty stadium. Wins all around. Plus, the guy in V for Vendetta basically just blew shit up as his entire plan and that seemed to work out ok.
Now if any Catcher in the Rye-esque zealots read this blog and may become inspired to do something stupid, let me just first say: don’t. Let me next say, find better literature than this to inspire you. Actually, just go to therapy.
And if the FBI is seeing this (they see everything, you’re never alone, stay woke) I’m not going to blow up the fucking stadium — relax, it’s just a joke. Now if I were the BC athletic director and in a position to make such a call, I’d get the proper permitting and bring in experts to do it safely yada yada yada. Also, I got like a B- in high school chemistry. You think I’m capable of blowing shit up? It takes me multiple tries to light a candle.
Proposal Two: Purchase the University of Alabama
This one I think really has legs. BC has a $3.08 BILLION endowment to Bama’s paltry $1.09 Billion. Now I’m not sure who owns colleges or how selling one would work or even what an endowment is and why we don’t use that money on literally anything to improve the school, BUT there’s not a lot in this world that $3B can’t buy.
My thinking is we buy the school, call it “BC South” or “Boston College presents the University of Alabama” and claim their football team as our own. All of our current players go tryout there and the 1-2 guys that make their roster can stay on. As for coaches, Nick Saban gives all of them a 30-second head start before he starts shooting at them with a crossbow. Anyone left standing once he’s out of arrows can be a graduate assistant.
I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up a preliminary sketch of the uniforms:
With a single buyout, we’ve got ourselves a National Championship contender. Talk about delivering results. Plus then we actually have something good to pitch to recruits. Speaking of which…
Proposal Three: Start lying to recruits
Having been to a South Carolina football game, I can tell you right now we’ll never compete with the SEC schools. Look at this shit:
Yeah…we don’t have that. They care more about ball down there than the north ever will and actually hold their football teams to a certain standard. BC gives you a single Under Armour t-shirt at orientation then spends four years threatening to not let you go to big games if you don’t first earn a bunch of points by attending intramural water polo games.
So obviously we can’t let recruits know the reality. What we need to do is start piling on the lies. Tell them that BC is essentially the Alabama of New England. There are like 3 total D1 programs in the entire region so it’s not a total lie. Though we are somehow worse than 1 of the other 2.
But look, the truth clearly isn’t going to get it done, so we have to try something else. Spread some lies about the SEC schools to make them seem less enticing. Hire some actors to throw a massive party in the middle of campus to create the illusion that BC allows fun. And for God’s sake, do NOT tell them about winter. Wait till they sign on the dotted line before telling them the south is way warmer and cooler.
Proposal Four: Cheat
You can actually legally bribe kids to come to your school now via NIL, but BC doesn’t want to take advantage of that because of some misguided moral stance and because “a free accounting degree” is payment in their minds. So, they’ve left me no choice but to start cheating.
We take the endowment and use it as a slush fund for recruitment. Funnel everything through legitimate businesses in the area, and act like they’re sponsorship deals. Hopefully the NCAA doesn’t investigate how Crazy Dough’s can afford to pay some 18-year-old from California $500K to throw a ball.
Also, look for outside investments. Plenty of rich BC alums or bored old guys who hang around the res.
And hey, don’t be afraid to get some of that Saudi money in the mix. Yeah, they have a slightly questionable record, but you gotta leave your morals at the door if you want to win ballgames.
Finally, pull a UNC and covertly eliminate all academic requirements for our student athletes. Let them focus 24/7 on ball. They’re not here to play school.
Proposal Five: Cancel the program and re-allocate their budget
Maybe this team is beyond saving. Fully willing to consider that possibility. That means we can use that money to enhance the on-campus experience for students. Here’s how I think we allocate that cash:
More grass - If Father Leahy taught me anything, it’s that you can never have enough grass (and that owning a Lexus is apparently an exemption to the priestly vow of poverty). This one is mostly to get administrative buy-in because they love landscaping, but who knows, maybe it works? Plenty of students fall in love with BC’s appearance. Maybe the school is onto something by investing only in grass and not anything the students or alumni want. We may not be the most talented school, but damn it if we’re not the most well manicured.
The BILLION dollar stairs - You’ve heard of BC’s famous million dollar stairs. For non-Eagles, we have a staircase on campus (pictured below) that allegedly cost $1 milly to construct. How we racked up that bill on stairs, I’m not sure. My leading theories are that there was a granite embargo at the time or we botched a union negotiation. Anyways, they’re an expensive focal point of the campus. How could you possibly top that? Three words: billion dollar stairs. Build them entirely out of gold. Make them so slippery that you can’t even walk on them. Nothing says “come to this school” like gold-plated stairs. It’s all about the appearance of status.
Bring back MA’s - Need a great dive bar to be a great college. The Circle sucks.
Mega Mods - Instead of getting rid of the mods, double down on them. Build multi-story mods where anything goes. Again, I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up a quick schematic:
One of these has to work right? Start yelling these at the 19-year-old who calls asking for donations until someone does something.
