Breaking down this list of the smartest animals
Was having an interesting conversation recently (two months ago) about which animals are actually the smartest. How we got on this topic is unclear though I’m guessing some sort of illicit substance was involved.
You always hear about how smart dogs or dolphins are, but is any of that scientifically true? Well to find out, we ran a Google search for the smartest creatures in the animal kingdom. What we found is a list from something called the Southwest Journal which is apparently the arbiter of all things animal. Their list of most intelligent animals includes, among others:
Pigs
Parrots
Bees
Elephants
Koalas
Deer
This is, without a doubt, the worst list I have ever seen. Let’s just start from the top:
Pigs
Pigs serve no function other than to die and be made into bacon. They sleep and root in shit. Can’t be calling an animal smart that doesn’t have sense enough to disregard its own feces.
Parrots
This is how I know this list is bullshit. Everyone thinks parrots are smart because they can talk. Guess what? There’s a difference between vocalizing an original thought and just repeating whatever you hear. I don’t see anyone calling a cave smart because it can echo what I say back to me. Show me a parrot with a unique take on how to solve climate change then we’ll talk.
Bees
Lmao bees?! You mean those things that die when they use their only defense mechanism? Bees who don’t have enough sense to leave me, a much larger creature, alone when I’m enjoying a sugary summer beverage. If they’re so smart why are they dying at such an alarming rate, huh? I personally kill 5 bees every time I host a tailgate because they don’t know to lay off my breakfast burritos. Bees might crack my list of most woke animals for basing their entire existence around serving a queen, but intelligent? No shot.
Elephants
This is probably the closest thing to an intelligent animal on this list, but I just can’t see it. Elephants whole game is their size — they’re brawn not brain. This would be like if the star high school QB is also the valedictorian - kind of a Troy Bolton situation. It’s just not believable. My roommate has a painting in his room that was done by an elephant and it looks like absolute shit. It’s like when a three-year-old brings home a drawing they made of “you” but in reality it’s a vague asymmetrical sphere that’s colored in to make you a race that doesn’t exist. Then you just have to put it on the fridge and act like the kid is Van Gogh as he spills 4 out of every 5 SpaghettiOs on himself. Kids are so dumb.
Koalas
I mean what are we doing here? Koalas are easily one of the dumbest animals on the planet. They literally just lounge around sleeping 90% of the day and pass along chlamydia like its candy. How about being smart enough to wear a condom? By that definition, everyone who goes to Arizona State is smart.
Deer
I grew up in a very woodsy area and have a lot of experience with deer. These are not remotely intelligent creatures. There have been 3 separate incidents in my life where I almost eviscerated a deer with my car because it opted to dart out into the road the one millisecond when a large pair of glowing lights were coming towards it. Dumb, dumb creatures.
Ok now that I’ve successfully destroyed their list, let’s quickly discuss who the real intelligent animals are. Here’s my list, based purely on anecdotal/possibly made up information. In no particular order:
Canaries - Not only do these little birds sing a pretty sweet tune, but they can sense carbon monoxide well before humans and were often used in coal mining to detect the gas. Hence the phrase “canary in the coal mine.”
Caterpillar - These dudes slink around in the dirt for a couple of months before realizing they look gross and the dirt sucks. But do they bitch about it? No. They take the initiative, get in the gym (chrysalis) and make themselves hotter. Oh and they can suddenly fly around the heavens too. Love a self-made bug.
Owls - I don’t even know if owls are smart per say but they’re definitely wise. Like you don’t want them doing your taxes, but you’d definitely go to them with a moral quandary you’re having about your life and/or tootsie pop consumption.
Gorillas - This definitely conflicts with my brain vs brawn theory, but every data set has its outliers. Gorillas just give off a smart vibe. There was a captive gorilla named Koko who knew sign language somehow. In 2001 she met Robin Williams and bonded with him. When he died over 10 years later, Koko was given the news and signed the symbol for “cry” and became extremely sad. A koala would have just given someone chlamydia and knocked out for another 18 hours.
Dogs - Dogs aren’t conventionally smart, but they’re smart in their own way. They’re like a kid you knew in high school who was a C-student but was an unbelievably gifted musician or woodworker or something. There are specific jobs they really excel at.
Mice/Rats - I’m hesitant to put these guys on here because in many respects they’re savage, stupid beasts. However, having lived amongst mice all of junior year in our off-campus trap house, I can tell you they’re smarter than they get credit for. We used to put traps on our stovetop because we would find mouse droppings there every morning. We would wake up the next day to traps that were littered with mouse crap, but no mice in sight. They were literally shitting on us. It was always sort of a begrudging respect among rivals with them.
Ravens/Crows - They’re good enough for Poe to write about so they’re good enough to be on this list. I also read somewhere once that crows hold little mourning ceremonies when one of them dies. They gather around and squawk their little hearts out.
Octopi - You ever seen an octopus blend in to the ocean floor? It’s nuts. I also like that they have 8 arms and can still regrow them if they lose one. That’s just smart financial planning — always have a safety net.
Spiders - How did every other insect get included in the smart category but not spiders? They hunt by weaving an elaborate web and trapping their prey. Are they a touch sociopathic? Absolutely. But the results speak for themselves.
Orcas - This is arguably the smartest animal in the game. Orcas are one of those animals that when you look it in the eye, you can tell someone is looking back. It’s like when you look at a baby and they know something about you that they learned on the other side and it just pierces your soul. They’re also the only animal smart enough to exact vengeance — there’s a reason all those trainers at SeaWorld died. Also they do shit like this:
I promise I’m ramping my blogging back up. Stay tuned for some good stuff coming in the near future.
