Brain dump: Will Goodwill even take this?
Introducing: Brain Dump. A new series where I drop wisdom while dropping heat on the porcelain throne.
God I’ve been very delinquent on this blog. No excuses but work has been crazy, and I was traveling a lot, and one of my two typing fingers is still broken, plus the whole daylight savings time thing has me all screwed up, but no excuses I need to be better.
So, to ensure I get more regular content out here I’m forcing myself to write quicker blogs from time to time i.e. blogs I can write in under thirty minutes. Thankfully, this series lends itself to that goal perfectly.
Anyways, I’m sitting here near midnight, dealing with the business end of three Modelos and a brisket reuben and this is my view:
Why do I have a Mac Jones jersey hanging on my towel rack? Well for one, the sight of it helps facilitate my current activity. However, the primary reason I hung it up was to remind myself to put it in my bag of Goodwill donations.
As many of you know, McCorkle Jones was thankfully traded off of the New England Patriots for a 6th round pick this offseason. For myself and many like me, it was a relief. Nothing personal against Mac, but I trust the 6th rounder to be my quarterback more than him. Not the player we draft with it — the actual concept of a 6th round pick.
It was clearly the right move for both sides, as Mac’s time effectively ended when he reacted like this to a high ankle sprain:
Get a grip dude, my God. I’m sure it feels like shit, but you look like your family just got murdered in front of you. Men have had less pained reactions to getting their legs blown off entirely. Sorry, this is neither here nor there.
Mac is getting a fresh start, which means I no longer need his jersey and can donate it to a needy kid*.
*Extremely husky 12-year-old
However, therein lies my question: will Goodwill actually take it?
There’s no issue with the quality. The jersey is freshly washed and has little wear and tear on it. It’s more of an ethical issue. Presumably these clothes are being donated to the less fortunate — people who typically can’t afford to buy jerseys of their favorite sports teams. And presumably, a young child* would be ecstatic to receive a jersey of their hometown team.
*Morbidly obese teenager
But the fact that it’s Mac just makes the whole thing kinda sad.
Like can you imagine being some poor foster kid bouncing around from house to house, not having much, and never really knowing how good your next living situation is gonna be. Then one day, you come home from school and your foster mom excitedly tells you that there’s a shiny, barely-used Patriots jersey waiting for you upstairs. It’s a little big, but you’ll grow into it*, she tells you.
*If you swallow a prize-winning pumpkin whole
With all the joy and hope in the world, you run upstairs, lift up the box and see…a Mac Jones jersey. If I’m that kid, that’s my villain origin story. Again, no disrespect to Mac. Seems like a nice guy and hope he finds success in J’Ville. But my God is he a bummer to watch. Giving some down on his luck dude a Mac Jones jersey kind of just seems like you’re piling on. It’s a taunt of the highest order. In essence, you’re condemning some innocent kid to a life of mediocrity.
On the one hand, I would like for someone to have a nice comfy shirt that I no longer need, but my God at what cost?! I almost feel like the thing would be better served decomposing slowly in a landfill. It’s a moral quandary of the highest order.
Now I have considered giving it to UNICEF or one of those international organizations, who would ensure that it goes to someone who has no knowledge of American football or the player. However, I feel like even the young man* who dons this jersey proudly would sense something sinister about it.
*Ethiopian family of five who use it as a collective blanket
Frankly, I think I’d be better off just giving UNICEF one of those foldable boxes of coins that somehow buys a Guinean family a water buffalo. At least that thing has some usefulness. In summation, idk what to do about this jersey. If anyone wants it, I’ll pay you to take it off my hands and spare me this ethical conundrum.
Stay tuned for part II of this blog when we inevitably cut Bailey Zappe. I should probably wait for these guys to pan out before I buy their jerseys.
