Brain dump: Unloading on Red Sox ownership
Introducing: Brain Dump. A new series where I drop wisdom while dropping trou on the porcelain throne. All articles will be written in their entirety while on the john.
Alright first off, gonna call a quick pause on myself for that title. Secondly, holy hell what a joke the Red Sox are right now and the season hasn’t even started.
The lads are down in Fort Meyers for spring training and some of their first media sessions of the 2024 campaign. And after an offseason where “full throttle” apparently meant signing a middle of the rotation starter, trading for a utility guy, and refusing to resign a player who not only is very good, but actually wanted to be here for relatively cheap money, the embarrassment tour rolled on when the Sox biggest name players, both past and present, started openly criticizing ownership.
First there was Kenley:
Then Raffy:
Then even fucking Pedey from the clouds:
You have guys who make hundreds of millions of dollars from your team and former players who, as far as I know, aren’t affiliated with the team in a professional capacity anymore calling you in the middle of your truffled caviar dinner (idk what rich people eat) to tell you to sign a fucking pitcher and you STILL don’t think, “Hey maybe we shouldn’t be such cheap assholes with this enormously beloved team we own?”
Side note about Sam Kennedy: This guy knows he doesn’t need to say this stuff in interviews, right? Like he can just peddle the corporate lines and retreat back to his in-ground office jacuzzi (again, idk how the rich operate). But like wtf dude? Every time he opens his mouth he just makes things a million times worse.
Granted I don’t blame the likes of Shohei Ohtani or budding Japanese superstar pitcher Yoshinobu Yamamato for not wanting to come here. Not when the Dodgers are Ponzi Scheming their way to a more stylish second round exit. And especially not when these morons would be the ones signing your paycheck:
Side note to the previous side note: wtf are you wearing bro? Q-Zip with a popped collar under a suit jacket? You look like you’re representing yourself in a statutory rape trial.
Anyways, remember a few months ago when Kennedy said they aren’t constraining Breslow’s spending ability. This was yesterday:
Just stop talking! We all know you don’t care about how the Sox look in the standings so long as Fenway is full and your kegs of $45 Sam Adams are empty, but c’mon dude — you don’t need to confirm everyone’s worst opinion of you. He gives me the vibe of a super ineffectual middle manager at a legacy software company who gets excited to deliver pink slips because it adds some emotion to his otherwise humdrum life. He’s literally Michael Scott falling on the sword for Sabre’s defective printers because he likes the media attention.
Also how feckless and insufferable is John Henry if Kennedy is the designated face of this operation? Clown show up in the executive suite.
We’re at the point where even good moves seem shitty because we just have no faith in this ownership group. For example, we just signed Liam Hendriks, who is not only a great relief pitcher but an aussie who says weird aussie shit like this:
Ignoring his pitching credentials, this dude is a homerun signing on vibes alone. We got a guy in a Spiderman chastity belt and we can’t even enjoy it because the rest of the offseason has been so bad. Also, Hendriks is recovering from Tommy John surgery and won’t be ready until the summer at the earliest. So even when we get a guy who I believe will pay off in the long run, it still seems kinda shitty because ownership seemingly refuses to acquire someone who can help the team TODAY.
Actually, come to think of it, we just traded Schreiber for a High A starting pitching prospect. Again, good move for the long-term, but doesn’t do anything for the 2024 team or likely the next 2-3 teams after that. My working theory is that John Henry has some rich guy inside knowledge about an impending apocalypse and is just gonna accumulate all the potential in the world that never has to come to fruition. Either that or he’s all in on a Penguins Stanley Cup run and is pushing all his chips in the middle for that. How are they doing btw?
Fenway Sports Group baby, catch the fever!
Seriously though, just sell the team boys, your hearts and wallets clearly aren’t in it. End of rant. Wow, my feet are numb.
