Brain dump: Power ranking pointless Olympic sports
Introducing: Brain Dump. A new series where I drop wisdom while dropping heat. Blogs written in their entirety on the john.
So I’m sitting here on the commode dealing with the business end of half a pint of Cherry Garcia and a large Dunkin Iced and naturally am watching the Olympics to keep my terrifying inner voice at bay.
As a very average athlete who potentially could have been D1 if my parents let me play football and I had the right coach to bring out the best in me, I am, like most people, incredibly impressed by what Olympians are able to do.
Well I should say what MOST Olympians are able to do.
I’ve noticed that, like any professional sports organization, the Olympics are eternally committed to needless expansion. As a result, you get a bunch of bullshit events that are ham-fisted in just to fill out the schedule or appeal to some niche crowd.
Well, being the discerning, hard-to-please SOB that I am, I won’t stand for it. Here are the five most pointless summer Olympic events we need to eliminate, in order of stupidity:
5. Steeplechase
Starting off with a controversial one. I know there’s a lot of steeplechase stans out there so let me be clear off the bat — being on this list doesn’t mean the event or the feat is unimpressive.
I could not last 30 seconds in a steeplechase, let alone run and jump at damn near full speed for 2 straight miles.
My beef with the Steeplechase is there’s just no need for it.
If I want to know who can run 3000-4000M the fastest, we have an event for that. If I want to know who can get over hurdles, we have an event for that.
Now for some reason we need to add jumping in a puddle to the mix just to say it’s different? I can’t take you seriously as an Olympic event if every five year old is inadvertently training for it every time it rains.
It’s basically just inconvenient running.
I assume based on the name that it’s one of those old European events that originated when some pauper kid in County Dingle had to run through town over walls and puddles to make it to church on time and they keep it in the Games just because it’s tradition.
Well I don’t care for it. Just ruins $2000 running shoes.
4. Trampoline gymnastics
Solid cannonball by the Belarusian here.
You know why regular gymnastics is impressive? Because you have people like 4’8” Simone Biles launching herself 12 feet in the air off like 90% pure power and maybe 10% of assistance from the slightly springy floor. Then she lands it without a falter in step as if that wouldn’t shred the ACL of 99% of the population.
She’s out there doing full-on backflips from a standstill on a beam that is 4 inches wide.
That’s freakish. That’s impressive as shit. I have over a foot of height on her (and like 200 lbs of weight but that’s not relevant) and she’s much closer to dunking a basketball than I’ll ever be.
Trampoline gymnastics is what we in the biz call cheating.
It’s essentially a competition to see who can keep their legs the straightest in the air.
This based off 30 seconds of watching this sport in my lifetime.
You know how I know this event is bullshit? When I step on a trampoline it bows in like a 3D model of a black hole, and my giant ass can still do a front flip on a trampoline.
There’s one gymnastics worthy of being in the Olympics and it’s the real one.
Rhythmic gymnastics, you’re on thin ice.
3. Three v. three basketball
This event is really where the Olympics started to jump the shark. We already have basketball. As we saw yesterday, it’s a brilliant showcase of genetic and athletic lottery winners exhibiting grace, speed, and coordination against the best players in the world.
3 v. 3 basketball is played on the one court in a college gym where only guys who played decent high school basketball go to play pickup.
It’s unnecessary. The Olympics should be a showcase of the world’s very best athletes in a given sport. That’s the whole point — to determine which country is the most athletic and therefore the sickest.
The US is trotting fucking Jimmer Fredette out there. No disrespect to Jimmer range, but his presence implies that the best American basketball player is a Mormon dude whose claim to fame is jacking up half court threes for BYU in 2011 and currently plays in Shanghai.
You could put Lebron in this tournament with myself and any person you pick off the street and I would have a gold medal automatically.
2. Racewalking
Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t run, racewalk.
It’s as simple as that.
This is a sport for people who enjoy distance running but aren’t good enough at it to compete with better athletes.
The result is just a bunch of people who look like they have to shit right that very second. And in some cases, they actually do:
I’m not convinced this guy was part of the actual race. Might have just been a francophile or fanatic countryman who had a particularly moldy cheese that day.
Hell, you throw me at the start line about 20 minutes after I ingest some questionable sushi, I’m not ruling out a gold.
Btw, the sport is called speed walking. It’s what children do in school as a loophole around “no running in the halls” policies. Don’t try to legitimize it by adding “race” in there.
1. Breaking
Again, don’t try to make it sound more official than it is. It’s break dancing. Homeless people who can’t find enough buckets to bucket drum do it to earn $13.
In general, I don’t respect any event where Ali G would blend in seamlessly.
This one had to just be a FIFA-esque bribery situation because how in the hell did this “sport” get into the Olympics.
I’ve been bullied off many bar dance floors by cooler guys who can do the exact same shit as these people.
It’s almost like watching a 2003 movie about a girl who wants to be a cheerleader at her snobby college but is bullied by the bitchy cheerleaders for being poor, but then finds a home among a lovable group of misfits on the ill—known break dancing team, and then they challenge the cheerleaders to be the official school dance team and win the respect of their peers and maybe she’s hooking up with Chad Michael Murray. Call it “Heart Break” or “Break down” or something.
Someone pitch that to Universal. Guarantee they make it.
Honorable mentions:
Equestrian - Just a competition of who can bully horses the best
Handball - Fully believe I could make the Olympic team in this
Canoeing - Just doesn’t seem like it should be a sport. More of an activity fathers and sons do in a Norman Rockwell painting
Marathon swimming - As a horrendous swimmer this event is impressive, but just seems dangerous. 2.5 hours of straight swimming in France’s shit river. Also not the most visually engaging sport in the world.
Those looking for artistic swimming, you try moonwalking in sync upside down underwater.
What’d I miss? Share your thoughts in the comments and be prepared for a fierce, seemingly personal debate.
