So I’m sure most of you have seen the news by now that Dominican slugger/dreamboat Juan Soto has signed a 15 year/$900 trillion dollar contract with the New York Mets.

As a Red Sox fan, I’m disappointed.

As an aspiring journalist, I’m ashamed.

You see, on Sunday morning I got a hot inside tip from a benevolent green monster who represents the Red Sox at home games and various team functions. No, not Oscar the Grouch.

Not the Grinch either.

Nor was it Mike Wazowski.

Or Shrek.

Wow there are a lot of green monsters in pop culture. Is green supposed to represent evil? Is this some sort of commentary on the ills of capitalism? I digress.

Eh screw it, I’ll burn the source — it’s clearly trash info anyways. It was Wally, the Green Monster.

Yes, in the midst of one of the North End’s random, unannounced parades vaguely celebrating the patron saint of tuberculosis, Wally the Green Monster drove by and indicated via rudimentary sign language that the Red Sox were going to sign Soto.

While Wally could not verbally confirm this report as he does not speak lest he ruin the illusion, I took his comedic gesturing as gospel and reported the news as such to everyone in my phone.

So in the tradition of terrible journalists and celebrities whose racist tweets have been unearthed, I come to you now, repentant, with a notes app apology:

I’ll be taking some time away to be with my family and rectify this situation I’ve created.

In the meantime, please do not let this error cloud your judgement of green-skinned people like Elphaba. Go see Wicked in a theater near you to see Cynthia Erivo’s transcendent performance as everyone’s famous wicked witch.

That’s right — the whole blog was a Wicked promo. Didn’t see that coming did you? This advertising campaign is THOROUGH.