So I’m chilling the other day, doing unemployed shit, and I get a text from my buddy Covo. Picture a finance bro but way more hateable. That context isn’t relevant to the story, I just wanted to flame him.

Anyways, he sends the following text:

We’re in the thick of playoff hockey season and the Bruins have a day off from shitting down their leg, so what better time to dive deeper into this debate.

Just because I don’t have the time to break down 30+ teams (I do, I’m just lazy), we’re going to start today with the Atlantic Division.

Remember, this is how I think I would fare in a fight with each team’s real life mascot. Not their actual costumed mascot. And not their actual team. As much as I overestimate my own toughness and strength, even I’m not that crazy.

Alright, let’s break down the Atlantic:

Boston Bruins

Yeah, no chance. Not even just because it’s my team — a Bruin would fuck me up. I’d be about as effective as that fish. My only chances of survival would be to avert eye contact and/or submit to it sexually.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Lmao, a leaf?? I used to black bag those bad boys like I was in the KGB. I could crush thousands of leaves in minutes — wouldn’t even be hard. Hell, I’d shred them. Or burn them. Cut it up so much that no idealistic 3rd grader can glue it back together and hang it on his window as a symbol of the enduring quality of life or some shit. Fucking leafs. Get out of here with that.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Yeah this one is tough cause there’s no real defense against it. It’s more of a “you can’t stop it, you can only hope to contain it” deal. I would perhaps fashion some sort of rubber suit to blunt its impact. Or maybe try to counter shock it with a hot piece of gossip? Kind of a fight fire with fire situation.

Florida Panthers

I mean it’s a fucking cat. Throw some yarn at it and shine a flashlight at a wall and you’ll lull it into submission.

Always thought the Predators should have been Florida’s team anyways. But instead of a saber toothed tiger, their mascot is a sweaty guy with a combover and serial killer glasses that parents don’t let their kids take pictures with at games.

Buffalo Sabres

This one is a bit confusing because the Sabres actual mascot is a buffalo, but a sabre is a sword. But pretty simply, a sword can’t do shit to me cause it’s just sitting there. I’d just take the sabre and use it to kill the buffalo. Two birds.

Also there’s never been a buffalo in Buffalo right? Where does this name come from?

Ottawa Senators

Not even trying to be mean, I googled ‘senator’ and the photo on the left is the first one that came up. Pretty sure I could take him. Just need to aim for one of his chins.

And because the Senators are Canadian, I also googled ‘Canadian senator’ and the guy on the right was the first hit. Again, not much of a contest. Guy is wearing a ribbon as a necktie. Looks like he got third at the county fair.

Also what’s a senator going to do to me anyways? Tax my gambling winnings? Jokes on you — THERE ARE NONE!

Red Wings

Yeah, I couldn’t quite figure out the meaning of this mascot so I just went with all three things related to red wing. One is a boot. The other is a bird who doesn’t even have a red wing so it’s a lying bird. And the third is a tire because it’s in their logo and cause Detroit.

So let’s keep this simple: kick the bird to death with the boot, then run over it with the tires on my car.

Montreal Canadiens

Yeah, I mean they’re Canadiens so it’s kind of just fighting this guy again. Can’t think of any easier country to be in battle with. Those softies will be apologizing to me while I beat the shit out of them. Sorry, eh.

Metropolitan division up next. The takeaway here: don’t mess with the big bad Bruins. And Detroit — get a less ambiguous mascot.