God damn I’ve been shitty about getting content up on here. Well that ends today. I’m on a 6-hour flight and need to distract myself from the blood clots I can feel forming in my hamstrings.

Ok, so I’m perusing the Twitter the other day and come across this post:

GREAT prompt and one which is near and dear to my heart as a foodie* (*fat ass with no discipline). Yes, as a brick shithouse I feel I’m entitled to present an authoritative opinion on this matter. Here are a few of the foods I will order 100 out of 100 times if I see them on the menu:

1. Wings

Leading off here because, simply put, wings are my favorite food in the world. I once had a weekend where I ate wings for 4 of 6 meals. Just a few weeks ago I ordered wings as an appetizer for the table and enjoyed them so much that I ordered more wings as my entree. No sides or anything — dinner was just 15 wings. My personal record in one sitting is 25 and I like ‘em however I can get ‘em. Fried, battered, baked, smoked, plain, buffalo, garlic parm, I don’t care — I can’t get enough of these things. Pro tip: always order them extra crispy. Way better wing eating experience.

2. Ribeye

My second favorite food in the world happens to be decidedly more expensive than wings: ribeye. I don’t eat this as often cause I don’t go to that many places that serve ribeye, it’s wicked expensive to buy for home, and I can feel my heart suffocating every time I eat it. But at a nice steakhouse with a glass of French red I ruined with ice cubes because I have the meat sweats, my God there’s nothing better. Something about that melty fat mixed with a nice charred salt crust, mmm mmm mmm. I’ll eat this literally anywhere. I once demanded my friends go to Chili’s for dinner because I wanted a low-quality chain restaurant ribeye. Thing was foaming with butter and I felt like absolute shit for a day and a half and it was 100% worth every cent of that $28.

3. Lobster bisque

Starting to think I have expensive tastes. Might throw caviar ice cream on here next. But look, if there’s one thing to know about me, it’s that I ride for a bisque. Whenever I try to lose weight I just blend up all the healthy crap in my fridge into a viscous soup. I’m a firm believer that blended food is the most nutritious (just look at what babies eat). You’re literally just concentrating vitamins into something you can drink. You think I could eat a whole bunch of celery in one go? No, but I could sure as shit drink it.

There’s absolutely nothing like starting your meal at a steakhouse with a nice cup of bisque. Or chugging a hearty bowl of lobster b at a seafood spot in the dead of winter. I like that they throw the claw on top too just to clearly denote the protein. It’s like when Home Depot has a carpet swatch on display above the actual rug. I like to see a sample of what lurks below.

4. Garlic Naan

Obviously this applies exclusively to Indian restaurants and hipster douche joints that cook like 15 cultures’ food poorly, but I’m a huge garlic naan guy. I eat Indian food probably once a week and G naan is a staple. Throw some of your chicken tikka in it to make a little wrap, dunk it in the chutney, use it to soak up leftover sauce etc. It’s so versatile. Also, because it’s thin I’ve decided it’s healthy. I’ve actually convinced myself that all Indian is food is healthy tbh. Minus the full cup of oil and heavy cream, explain to me how lamb korma is bad for you? Haha my organs are screaming.

5. Southwestern egg rolls (Chili’s exclusive)

Ok, maybe a little too niche, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone to a Chili’s and not ordered these little beauties. Get a Triple Dipper, throw in some SW egg rolls, honey BBQ chicken crispers, a couple Big Mouth Bites, and wash it all down with a $2 margarita that’s mostly sour mix. Literally my idea of heaven. The huge irony here is I really don’t enjoy actual Chinese egg rolls. But you char up some poblanos and corn and jam ‘em in a wonton that’s cut at a weird obtuse angle and I’ll come running. I’ve DoorDashed these more than once.

6. Pie for the table

No, not dessert pie. Pizza pie! One of my staple moves at a big group dinner (or brunch tbh) is to get a pie for the table that I end up eating most of. It’s best done at a place that has a full food menu but also has a brick pizza oven for some reason. So it’s not what the place is known for but they care enough to call it out specifically on the menu. What you want to do here is wait a few mins for everyone to peruse the menu then just casually be like, “Oh wow I didn’t know they do pizza here. They have that big wood-burning oven back there so it makes sense. Should we try one to see if it’s any good? Could just get a large for the table.” My family has refused me a few times because it’s “too much.” There’s 5 of us and I’m gonna hammer 3 slices myself. Fator in my dad eating 2 and that means 1 slice each for the skinny trio. You can eat one slice of pizza without exploding. Nerds.

6. Side of bacon

Last but certainly not least, is my patented breakfast order. In general, I alternate at breakfast between a bacon, tomato, cheese omelette and corned beef hash with two eggs over medium. But regardless of the main order, I’m always snagging a side of bacon. “But George isn’t there bacon in the omelette?” Yes, but it’s crumbled up so I can’t taste it. I need three strips served to me greasily on a side plate to really get the full bacon experience.

What are your “must order” items. Sound off in the comments below, I’m genuinely curious about this.