Sup Fatties, remember me? Been longer than I’d like between blogs but apparently I actually have to do the work I’M paid for — not ideal but such is the way of the world. 

Anyways, I wanted to try something new for this blog. I’m currently in an Uber in Orlando heading to my grandparents place for Easter. It’s about an hour and change to get down there and the internet service is more or less non-existent because the area between cities in Florida is just swampland and ponds occupied exclusively by gators and corpses. So with nothing to occupy my time, I decided to open up the notes app and live blog my experience in this Uber. Thus far, it’s been an interesting one. Here we go:

11:02 AM

Get out of the airport and my sister calls the uber. Now we’re at a distinct disadvantage in getting someone to pick us up because we need an XL and are driving somewhere an hour and a half away. Gonna be slim pickings for a driver.

11:04 AM

Shockingly we got a driver pretty quick. Dude is hanging out at the Baja Fresh about a mile away. Common place Ubers park around here waiting for fares. Harold is gonna help us get this show on the road!

11:08 AM

Dude is still at Baja Fresh. Sister is messaging.

11:10 AM

Harold says he’s on his way. Doesn’t seem to understand we can see his location, which is, you guessed it, Baja Fresh.

11:14 AM

Full convinced he’s either ordering takeout or full-on dining at Baja Fresh

11:16 AM

We canceled. Dude was gaslighting us. Calling another one.

11:17 AM

Motherfucker, its Harold again.

11:18 AM

He’s asking if we still want him to come even though we canceled once. We need the ride but this is gonna be awkward now.

11:20 AM

Ok Harold has left the Baja Fresh and is about a minute away. Finally.

11:22 AM

Anddddddd he’s somehow back at Baja Fresh. 

11:22 AM

No new info just pointing out that this is the 11th update and we haven’t even gotten in the fucking Uber.

11:25 AM

Finally, Harold actually arrives! 

11:25 AM

LMAO motherfucker is eating wings! He actually got food! Baja Fresh doesn’t even sell wings, where did he get them?! 

11:26 AM

His car just reeks of cigs and wings. I’m obsessed with this guy. Who the fuck eats wings while driving?! Wings are my favorite food and I wouldn’t even attempt that. Wait should I? I’ll get back to you on the wings.

11:27 AM

He just told us to pray for him. Wtf does that mean?! Sidenote: I’m getting wings next time I drive.

11:28 AM

He’s got one of the big plastic dividers up between the front and back seats. Glad to know the guy smashing BBQ wings and chain smoking cigs in his car is conscious about his health. He also has a sticker that says honorary bus driver with a Mickey Mouse head on it. Was he a Disney bus driver? And if so, why was it honorary? Did he not actually drive the bus but he was given some sort of lifetime achievement award signaling he could have? Is it like an honorary degree type deal? So many questions.

11:32 AM

Guy asked if we didn’t mind if he put on his driving music. We said of course, go right ahead. Now let me preface this by saying Harold is a Caribbean-looking man in a bucket hat and Tommy Bahama shirt. Picture what type of music someone like that might be into. I’ll give you a sec…

Ok, have an idea in your head?

ITS FUCKING EMO ROCK! Bet you didn’t see that coming you bigot. Open your narrow mind. First song sounds like Chainsmokers and Daughtry teamed up to form a Christian rock band. Harold is the fucking Dos Equis guy! Most interesting man in the world.

11:45 AM

Harold just checked in and asked how we’re doing and if we’re cool with the music. I effusively said, “It’s perfect!” Why the hell did I say it’s perfect? This is like a playlist of exclusively lesser known My Chemical Romance songs.

11:48 AM

Harold is having a hypothetical conversation with the guy in front of him about why he’s tapping his brakes. I’m on Harold’s side — the other dude is driving like an asshole. This is Florida — I don’t think they even have speed limits down here. Also a firm believer in sarcastically yelling at the car in front of you. It’s good to vent sometimes.

11:49 AM

Harold just changed lanes to make an exit while leaning all the way into the passengers seat to get napkins out of his glove box. He fully was not looking at the road. Honestly an impressive, albeit dangerous maneuver. It’s dumping rain by the way.

11:51 AM

Was wondering why every song he plays seems to have a talking intro. Just realized these are commercials. Is this dude using the trial version of Pandora or some shit?

12:07 PM

The wing/cig aroma is growing on me. Might take up smoking. 

12:09 PM

I was just joking about him using Pandora free but he actually is! There was just an ad asking him to upgrade to Pandora plus. Pandora is still a thing?? Who is this fucking guy.  

12:12 PM

Is there a musical genre called like Christian death metal? I feel like those two are kind of diametrically opposed but all of these songs seem to deal heavily with salvation and atonement and shit. Which begs the question: what the hell did Harold do that he’s trying to atone for via grunge music and uber driving? 

12:23 PM

I’m cracking jokes about the playlist but Harold is lowkey lighting the aux on fire. He just accelerated onto the highway in perfect sync with the chorus drop of 30 Seconds to Mars’ “The Kill,” which happens to be one of my favorite songs. What a moment.

12:35 PM

Harold suddenly exclaims “Wooooooooo look at those waves!” And with that, I know we’ve arrived. Thank you Harold — for the ride and for your incredible presence. Genuinely couldn’t have been a nicer, more interesting guide to drive through the swamp with. Until next time friend.

Full disclosure I was just doing this to entertain myself but this turned out to be a wicked fun blog. Got way more content out of an Uber ride than I ever thought possible. Fucking Harold, man. King.