Well I’m officially entering my Buzzfeed era of this blog. Was only a matter of time before I started doing listicles and talking about Pinterest.

You know I normally like to keep it positive and upbeat around here. But as I was doing my usual morning routine of lying in bed until I realize it’s midday and I’ve been looking at Instagram reels for 3 hours, I began reflecting on a thought that is totally original to me and no one has ever thought before: social media is kinda toxic, right?

Yuck, that’s the first and last time I will ever say the word toxic when not referring to hazardous chemical waste. But yeah, if it weren’t for this blog I probably wouldn’t be super active on social.

Instagram and TikTok are a time suck, Facebook is just your mom and the worst guy you went to high school with, and Twitter is a hellscape of awful takes and people who shouldn’t be allowed to own a phone.

The only real redeeming qualities of any of these apps is that they’re a good forum for comedy. Also if Twitter didn’t exist, I literally would have no idea what is happening anywhere in the world. Get all of my news from there.

Outside of those two bright spots, social media just wastes your time and makes you sort of hate yourself. Btw, follow the Fatty Liver on all major social media platforms.

Having said all this, I’ve always believed that social media can and should be a good thing. Twitter in its infancy was just a fun distraction where nobody talked about anything serious. Facebook was a fucking blast in the Farmville and “Like for a truth is” days. And even Vine (RIP) was just all jokes and positivity. The only reason any of these apps stop being fun is because every self-important asshole with a cell phone thinks they’re the sole arbiters of truth and their voice needs to be heard by the people. So they come in and go on stupid rants about stupid crap and get validated by other self-important idiots in their self-contained, self-important world.

So in an effort to make the Internet fun again, I’ve decided to compile my definitive list of the types of people who ruin social media so we can start to weed ‘em out:

Multiple emojis in the name guy

You just can’t be the multiple emojis person. In general, you really shouldn’t try to define your entire personality with a series of cartoon images. But it’s kind of like the old sports adage: “if you have two quarterbacks you have none.” You got multiple emojis, I don’t know what your schtick is or what you’re all about. Take this random user I found in 3 seconds by clicking the first vaguely political trending topic I saw on Twitter:

See, like what’s going on here? She’s got the sunflower and the bee, so she’s pro-pollination. Or is she anti-bee death? Right away I’m confused. Also why not put those two next to each other? Why does the Ukraine flag intercede them? Is…is Ukraine responsible for the declining bee population?

I have no idea what this person’s deal is. But maybe we can get a sense of where she’s from. She’s got a beach umbrella so she’s from somewhere warm on the water. Nope wait, now there’s a desert. Are you from Arizona or Florida? And just when you think you might have it figured out, boom the mountain. I’m 90% sure without doing even the slightest bit of research that there is no place with mountain ranges, desert, beaches, and abundant sunflower fields. Just pick a lane lady, jeez.

TikTok couples

These content couples are the WORST. Here’s a thought: How about just have a relationship without filming every second of it? Like maybe just be committed to each other because it’s what makes you happy and not because it gets you hella views. I’m happy you guys are in love or whatever, but you don’t need to tell me about it.

If you can actually crank out funny shit, then by all means go for it. But if you’re like these two…

…Then just don’t go on the Internet. Better yet, don’t go out in public. Spare us all the cringe of your existence. You know what’s my ick? You saying the word Starbies. You two making this video. You two cranking out God awful staged vids where you just play non-pranks on each other. It’s all the worst.

I would say breakup, but I think you two are perfect for each other in a weird, very annoying way. Also we can’t risk subjecting other potential partners to you.

“You win the internet” guy

Obviously you’ve seen this. Just such a dumb, lame phrase people throw out after a mediocre joke. And the joke is literally never funny. Here’s one from this morning re: the Britney Griner prisoner swap:

Shame on the 5,000+ people who liked that tweet. But really? This wins the internet? Some iteration of that joke was made so much today that it was a nationally trending topic. Love the bit in general and analyzing real world shit like it’s sports is always funny, but this isn’t even a good angle on the joke. It’s just been done 10,000 times. So every day there’s roughly 10,000 people who won the Internet that day.

The entire premise of winning the Internet is flawed anyways. Just by virtue of being on Twitter, you lost.

People who claim Twitter is “the new town square”

Regardless of your opinion on the usefulness of Twitter, let’s not act like at any point this app has ever functioned as some grand forum for spirited, free-flowing debate.

At its best, it’s a place where people get instantaneous updates on world news and sports transactions.

At its worst, it’s a place where someone will tell you to kill yourself for saying you prefer white bread to wheat.

“But it gives everyone a platform for their voice to be heard.” Yeah, so does the PornHub comment section, but I don’t see anyone going there for nuanced discourse.

Nobody actually uses Twitter for real conversation. They only want to scream their own talking points at some guy whose user name is just a string of numbers and consonants then tell their 7 cats that they just powned some guy who is actually an MIT student’s AI thesis. Also, I’d venture to say less than 5% of the entire population of the world actually has any idea what they’re talking about in general. Myself included. I don’t know shit about anything of any importance. That’s why I only ever post nonsense online.

Person who prefaces every tweet with “Unpopular opinion”

I truly do not think there is a single person on this earth who enjoys Mondays. This is probably the most universally popular opinion there is.

Person who claims to speak truth to power

You’ll occasionally stumble across someone with a super self-indulgent Twitter bio that ends in “I speak truth to power.” I have absolutely no problem with people speaking truth to power, but if you have to say that you do it, then you definitely don’t. You just want to seem like you’re accomplishing something without having to leave your desk. Basically this blog.

It’s like how the guy who has a lot of sex doesn’t go around telling everyone how much sex he’s having. Btw guys I’m having so much sex.

Person who prefaces every tweet with “Idk who needs to hear this but…”

No one. No one needs to hear it. Stfu. Also this one is just fiscally irresponsible advice:

Instagram/TikTok influencers who post “Day in the life” videos

I firmly believe one of the best things you can learn as you get older is that no one is really thinking about you most of the time. That’s not an insult, it’s a GOOD thing. You can be a lot less self-conscious when you realize that your life is yours, the people who love you care about what you’re up to, but most other people aren’t concerning themselves with your goings on. That’s how it should be. Your mentals get a lot better when you step back and realize your place in the much bigger picture of the world.

So I hate when influencers are like “a lot of you have been asking about my daily routine” or “everyone has been asking about what’s in my flax seed yogurt gogi berry superfruit morning blast bowl.” First off, stop asking these people things. It only encourages them.

Secondly, yeah I post about my life occasionally on here, but only when it’s something that I think people will find funny or relatable. I’m under no impression that anyone gives a shit about my family vacation. That’s why the Abroags aren’t really about our itinerary as much as me mocking myself, my family, and entire nations. I don’t tell you the part where I was worried about taking my shirt off on the boat because a boat of richer, more attractive people was coming by.

Anyways, here’s some TikTok thing I found way too easily:

That’s literally just a normal day. I get doing this if your job is like “diamond mine grenade thrower” or something, but it seems like this is just a normal 26-year-old who has a corporate job. Nothing wrong with it, but it doesn’t make for the most compelling content.

Actually, someone remind me to make one of these videos about my day in the life at some point. I’ll show these influencer peeps how it’s really done.

Sidenote: if the girl in that video sees this blog, I was kidding about all that stuff. Do you like Thai fusion cuisine?

Old dude who comments “Beautiful 🤩” when an attractive girl posts any picture of herself

Yeah, this one is just unfortunate. Creepy dudes should just stay off the Internet. I’ll never understand the logic of posting “Wow you are gorgeous” on an Emily Ratajkowski pic as if she’s going to be like “Omg no one’s ever told me that before. Would you like to date exclusively strange man from Ohio?” Women don’t want to hear from you dude. Just like the photo and silently acknowledge that you’ll never have a chance with anyone who looks remotely like her.

Enormous thread guy

There’s simply no chance that you have thoughts profound enough that you need like a 35 tweet thread. And if you do, write a book. Start a blog. Publish to a journal. Twitter is clearly not the right forum for you.

I can’t sum up the absurdity of these guys better than the legend himself, Big Cat:

One of my favorite tweets ever. Sums Twitter up perfectly. Guy is a comedic icon for a reason.

Attention-seeking douche who only ever posts when he’s promoting his stupid blog

Trust me, I’m very self-aware.

That’s it. The internet sucks. Now to post this on every social media platform there is. And yes, I fully realize the irony of spending 2+ hours writing a blog about how much I hate social media while extensively scouring social media for source material.