Damn, it seems like every day the Simpsons predict some sort of major world event in an episode that aired 20+ years ago. Well, looks like they did it again with the New England Patriots offseason.

Yep. For the first time in my young-ish life, the New England Patriots are truly, unequivocally terrible.

It would be one thing if they were openly in the midst of a rebuild and basically asked the fans for patience while they put together a competitive football team again.

Nope, this is apparently them trying.

Kraft went so far as to issue a statement after last season’s debacle, ensuring us diehard supporters that missing the playoffs is unacceptable in New England and changes were coming to drastically improve the offense.

Here’s how those key flaws were addressed:

• Wide reciever - We went from no talent to less talent somehow. Jakobi Meyers, our only steady producer at the position left in free agency for a contract that was almost identical to what perennially mediocre TikTok star JuJu Smith-Schuster got from the Pats just days later. That worked out well:

• Offensive Coordinator - Bill O'Brien is an upgrade from Matt Patricia regardless of what our record would have you believe. The man isn’t an offensive guru by any means but he gets the nod by virtue of the fact that this is his actual job he was trained in. The problem is the personnel on that side of the ball. The best offensive coaches in the league couldn’t do a damn thing with the island of misfit toys we keep throwing out there every week. It’s like a professional conductor trying to get a competent rendition of Mozart out of an orchestra of deaf third graders all playing the recorder.

• Offensive Line -

After signing two shitty perennial backups and then spending 3 mid-round picks on offensive lineman who are, at best, long-term projects, and, at worst, more effective revolving doors, Belichick opted to shore up the line depth with Vederian Lowe. Here’s how that went this week:

There are positions where you can get away with having mediocre talent. Offensive line isn’t one of them. And while I know great offensive linemen are in extremely short supply, Belichick seemingly doesn’t even attempt to acquire them. He’s content to take fliers on underutilized pros or seemingly undervalued rookies instead of just investing draft capital into elite talents.

Case in point, Dawand Jones, a tackle from Ohio State who is roughly 7’8” 405 lbs, was just sitting there on the draft board at a position of massive need. Instead we opted to pick Jake Andrews, a center from Troy, who does not play a position of need and is shitty at football. Now Dawand Jones is a budding star for Cleveland and looks like this:

That’s him standing next to other guys who play the same position. He’s a freak among freaks.

It’s a singular example of a trait that has plagued Belichick for years: his need to outsmart everyone. I could show this picture to any human on earth and they could tell you that man can play football at a high level.

Belichick, for whatever reason, almost never opts for the obvious talent and instead tries to get cute and find a player with some niche or twinkle in the eye that he thinks makes him special. As a result, he ends up drafting a fifth round talent in the second and is praised for being a superior evaluator. Maybe it’s time that we consider that guys are valued in the fifth round for a reason.

All in all, the Patriots are a mess. A defense with some promising young talent is decimated by injuries, while the offense is very likely the worst in the league. So with that said, the path forward is simple:

Step 1: Commit to the tank.

This is a rare opportunity for the Patriots to be a true bottom feeder in the NFL. The timing couldn’t be any better given that this is probably the best draft class in the history of football. Also, with Mac’s rookie deal nearing its end and him being the worst athlete in any sport ever, a new QB could be just what we need to start the dynasty anew. If we can continue our current run of dogshit, we could find ourselves drafting in the top 5 easily.

Step 2: Don’t let Belichick draft

It is going to be VERY hard to fuck up a top 10 pick in this class, but Belichick might find a way. Let’s just eliminate the possibility and fire Bill the GM. If you have a chance to get Caleb Williams, Drake Maye, Marvin Harrison Jr, or Brock Bowers, just do it. Don’t think, just shoot.

Step 3: Spend our money on good football players

You’d think this would be obvious but apparently it’s not. We have like $100M in cap space this offseason. Use it. Acquire premier free agent talent and spin trades for even more premier free agent talent. No massive contracts to shitty defensive tackles.

In summation, the Patriots are truly terrible. However, they are uniquely positioned to turn this thing around as soon as the next couple of years IF they use their money wisely, draft the obvious talents, and keep the tank train rolling on. Go Pats/whatever team is playing the Pats on any given week.