Alright, so I’m kicking it in Utah aka the only state where the people are whiter than the snow.

Not much of a skier, but I love the ski lifestyle. Namely, hanging at the lodge crushing chili while drinking a milk-based cocktail. But this blog isn’t about that.

It’s about how I got to Utah.

First off, the guy who said “it’s about the journey, not the destination” was probably flying to Cincinnati because flying fucking SUCKS. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but it truly is the worst necessary evil in the world. It’s cramped, everyone’s child has a bad temperament, and the temperature is always either too hot or too cold.

So, as is the case far too often, I now have to take it upon myself to remedy one of the worst run industries in the world. Here’s my five-part plan for fixing flying:

1. Board from the back/Increase storage space

Not fucking rocket science here. Board by row number so that the people in the back can get in first and claim their bin space. Then as the preceding rows board, there’s much less wait time for people in the aisles. You get to your seat, put your bag up, and the flight is ready to go.

Also I think Veterans should board last. Having them board first is kind of disrespectful imo. They have to sit there forever, get drilled by every bag that comes down the aisle, and get up multiple times to let people into the row. Plus, early boarding is only useful if they show up well before the flight so you’re also forcing them to spend excess time in the airport. Haven’t these people given enough?

As for storage space, how about just increase the size of the overhead bins so everyone in the two rows it spans has sufficient room to put their shit? Those things should be able to fit one large carry-on and one backpack per person. You don’t have to stress about checking a bag because the overhead can actually accommodate.

2. Axe the safety spiel

Honestly, how much do you think you’re really accomplishing with your little aisle demonstration? The second the plane blows an engine, it’s going to be Lord of the Flies in there. No one is going to remember anything from a speech they weren’t even listening to in the first place.

If my plane is nose-diving towards the middle of the Atlantic, the last thing I’ll think is how to blow up the flotation device under my seat. I’ll be too busy remembering ancient gods to pray to. Best case scenario is a rescue boat scoops me before I drown, and I subsequently become a devout Buddhist.

Also, I get the point of the floaties but what’s the deal with the oxygen masks? How much good will oxygen do me when we crash into a mountain?

Finally, there is no one on Earth you can count on less than the people in the exit row who are supposed to “assist in case of emergency.” You know who books those seats? Fat/tall guys who want the extra legroom without having to pay more.

As someone who frequently books the exit row for that exact purpose, you can trust me on this. The second shit hits the fan, they’re gonna grab every bag of those blue potato chips JetBlue has and make a run for it. The only real use we’d be is as someone to jump on the end of the slide and launch passengers to land like those inflatable lake blobs.

3. Parents with children aged 3 and under must provide proof of entertainment before boarding

So far as I know, I’m not a parent. I don’t profess to know the challenges of keeping a baby from fussing. I assume it’s difficult and stressful. Having said that…you have to at least TRY to prevent/stop it.

Babies cry for four basic reasons:

1. They’re hungry

2. They’re tired

3. They dropped a load in their diaper

4. They’re bored

The first three have immediate solutions. The fourth is where the parent needs to be on their A-game. This is why I propose that parents show proof of the toys, iPads, and tv shows they have locked and loaded to keep their kid entertained for the duration of the flight.

You gotta keep that kid focused on anything but the fact that it’s in a hot, pressurized cabin until you touch down in DisneyWorld. Otherwise, you’re going to have a crying kid, which leads to another crying kid, which leads to another crying kid, which leads to me behaving like this:

Sidenote: Alternative solution - maybe just don’t travel with an infant. Think their pea-sized brain is going to remember the sandy beaches of Turks & Caicos?

4. Nobody is allowed to recline their seat

This is one of my most passionate, and apparently, controversial opinions.

I legitimately believe that if you recline your seat on a tightly packed plane, you deserve jail time.

“But I paid for the seat, it’s my right.”

There’s maybe one foot of leg room as it is and you’re really going to take away more from some poor bastard just trying not to get a 4-hour charley horse?

I concede that I have huge legs and am inherently uncomfortable on plane, but reclining is a dick move no matter what size you are. If you have a laptop out, it’s getting snapped in half. If you have a water bottle, it’s going down. Having someone recline into you is essentially the world’s worst lap dance.

“But George why don’t you recline?”

Because then my giant ass is directly in some poor person’s face and I’m responsible for a chain reaction down the plane. If someone reclines into me, I take a deep breath, recognize they’re allowed to do it, and jam my knees right into their goddamn spine. I paid for the seat, it’s my right.

5. Completely de-plane in 5 minutes

Once the plane touches down, it should take 5 minutes total to get everyone off the plane and into the airport. There are two main factors preventing this currently:

1. The plane never lands anywhere near the fucking gate

2. There’s only one exit

One exit for 100+ people. So everyone on the plane is reliant on everyone else to get up, grab their shit from the bin efficiently, and walk down the aisle.

But as we all know, that rarely happens.

There’s always one asshole with a John Grisham novel in one hand and a winter coat in the other despite having just landed in the Bahamas because “you never know.” This guy is going to take his time, maybe adjust his belt, wrap up the remaining half of a warm turkey sub he got at a Hudson News 6 hours ago because his destination apparently doesn’t have food, and struggle to grab his five bags spread out across 3 bins.

So to counteract everyone’s least favorite uncle there, we’re going to de-plane from several different places. As you can see in the diagram below, each plane has multiple points of egress.

We’re going to go ahead and utilize as many of those as we can. I’m thinking the two in the front and the two in the back.

The flight attendant will make an announcement: “Everyone from rows 15 up, exit in the front of the plane. Rows 16 back, exit from the back. If you’re seated on the right, exit on the right. if you’re seated on the left, exit on the left.”

All of a sudden we have four steady streams of traffic leading off the plane. We’ve decreased our de-planing time by 4x without implementing any new technology. This solution only works for airports where you de-plane onto the tarmac, however.

For airports where you go directly into your gate, we’ll instead utilize the three doors on the left side. We will need a new piece of technology here to facilitate each traffic stream, and that is a three pronged jet bridge. I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up the design here.

Is it the perfect proposal? No. But it’s a start. Plus, it’s the airline industry. Even an incremental improvement is a huge win.