Simp (noun):

1. Someone who does way too much for a person that they like.

2. A man who puts the hoes before the bros.

As long as there has been man, there has been simps. A simp is a man who goes above and beyond in his devotion to a woman or person of power/status in his life. Some may call that being a kind, generous person, but I call it being a beta-male bitch.

Kidding — I’m not that much of an alpha. I won’t be starting a podcast sponsored by a company that solely produces elk jerky anytime soon.

There’s nothing wrong with a little simping here and there. If you out-kick the shit out of your coverage and land an absolute dime, then some simping is warranted. You want her to feel loved and appreciated always, and hopefully make her forget that she could do SO much better than you. That’s just being a good albeit very insecure boyf/husband.

Simping becomes a problem when you do it for someone you’re NOT in a committed relationship with. Or when you’re doing it solely to curry favor with a superior and make them like you. Then it borders on worship/stalking and gets real creepy, real fast.

And though I know a few simps in my real life (my dad’s been happily married to my mom for 31 wonderful years — what a loser), it’s far more fun and relatable to discuss some of the biggest simps on the silver screen.

I’ve compiled below a list of my top 6 biggest simps in modern movie history. A few of them are very subtle examples that you may not expect. That’s because I’m trying to avoid traditional rom-coms where simping is too commonplace. These are simps whose devotion, both to romantic interests and business superiors, is cringeworthy at best and nausea-inducing at worst. Let’s take a look:

6. Ryan Gosling’s underling in The Big Short

This guy has literally one scene in the entire movie, but my God does his simping pop off the screen. Take a look at the scene below.

Before examining the abuse this poor bastard takes, let’s just think about his backstory. He’s working directly under a mid-level executive at Deutsche Bank. I have a friend who worked at Deutsche for the better part of 3 years.

Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to even get a foot in the door over there?

You have to bust your ass in one of the hardest majors in business school, pretty much pull straight A’s, somehow manage to secure an interview against every other finance bro in the country, answer a bunch of weird and abstract questions like how many bricks are in the Gothic church across from the office, and then MAYBE get an internship.

Once you actually have a full-time job, you’re working 14-hour days minimum for the first several years of your career and essentially sleep in a suit.

I went to visit this friend in NYC one time. We were staying at his apartment and I maybe saw him for 15 total minutes all weekend. And the 15 minutes I did see him, his eyes had the look of a soldier who just came back from a war where his primary job was to burn down entire civilian villages. That’s how rigorous this job is.

So now take our friend Chris here, Ryan Gosling’s assistant. He endured all of that shit just to make a custom Jenga tower for a boss who couldn’t give two shits about his existence. And the entire time he just stands there and keeps gassing up this guy who verbally abuses him at every turn. Have some fucking respect for yourself dude, Christ.

5. The professor’s assistant in Good Will Hunting

Same idea here, but even worse somehow. The Deutsche guy simps for his boss, but at least he’s making bank to do it. This guy (not gonna learn his character’s name because he’s that pathetic) is like a grad assistant to a college professor. Who simps for academia? Best case scenario in 1996, this guy is making $25K a year.

But hey at least he’s happy right? Nope!

This dude basically follows the professor around like a sick puppy, validating the guy’s status to anyone who dares challenge him. Remember that scene where the professor is trying to get Will’s name from the head custodians and they start giving him shit? He chimes in with,

“This is professor Lambeau.”

Yeah dude, these custodians from Brockton making $8.50/hour give a shit about some scarf-wearing math bitch.

Then, he has to watch his beloved professor, whom he is almost certainly attracted to sexually, fall in academic love with some ruffian from Southie who’s smarter and better looking than he could ever dream to be.

Presumably this guy got into MIT, suckled at math lord’s teet for the better part of 4 years, worked his way up to the top of the protractor posse, and still got usurped the second someone smarter came around. Just look at the jealousy.

Absolutely brutal. You poor, meek asshole.

4. Tyler from The Menu

This is a very new one as the movie came out just last year, but wow what an entrance to the simp rankings by Tyler.

Now I know many people haven’t seen this movie and there’s going to be spoilers here so maybe skip this one if you intend to watch. I’ll give you a moment.

...

Holy shit what a weird loser this guy is!

I totally understand being passionate about food. Hell, I even understand being emotional about it. But get a hold of yourself bro. This guy worships this celebrity chef he’s never met so much that he's willing to knowingly die for him.

He’s also so fucking bad at eating food. You claim to be this great foodie and yet you eat like a pig, knock over glassware, and don’t seem to understand what raw meat looks like. I’m glad you died tbh.

3. Caleb from Ex Machina

Spoilers again, blah blah blah. The movie came out a decade ago — either watch it or don’t.

Every time Domhnall Gleeson is involved you know some weird shit is going to go down. And in the case of Ex Machina, we have a rare double simping.

First, he simps for the eccentric founder of his weird AI company by wanting to hang out with this dude he’s never met 1:1 in his creepy isolated home.

Then, and more troublingly, he simps for a literal robot. Look man, I get she exhibits essentially human characteristics, hence the Turing Test you’re conducting, but c’mon. You KNOW she’s a robot. You’re not being catfished. She’s a literal AI robot sitting in front of you. She doesn’t want to be with you, she wants to pick apart your male fragility and use it against you to escape — which she does.

And look, is she a hot robot? Sure. Would I? Almost definitely.

But you gotta know your place here man. You’re a nerdy, weird programmer. She’s a highly intelligent, surprisingly lifelike and attractive robot. Just because you’re human and she’s not doesn’t mean she’s going to be into you. Even as a robot, she’s still out of your league and she has the sentience to know that.

Unfortunately, you fell in love with an AI robot who was playing you to attain freedom while leaving you for dead in an eccentric billionaire’s modernist house. A tale as old as time.

2. Batman in general

Is Batman kind of a simp to Catwoman? Yes.

But you know who he’s the biggest simp for? GOTHAM.

This dude loves putting his body on the line to protect his city, and they pay him back by hunting him with dogs and shit. How stupid is everyone in Gotham btw? He actively foils a robbery and everyone sees him as a menace somehow.

So it begs the question: what is Batman’s obsession with Gotham? Sure, it’s his hometown. And sure, he feels a sense of responsibility to purge it of the evil that took his parents lives. But there has to be a limit somewhere right?

And look I’m all for civil improvement, but let’s call it like it is: Gotham is a shithole.

You got rampant crime, the mob has the police bought and paid for, it’s raining virtually every day, and seemingly once a year some theatrical supervillain with a folksy schtick holds the city hostage.

Putting on tights and mascara isn’t going to fix that place. You’re a billionaire. Go help a place that can actually be saved. And do it normally with a donation — not by punching a purse snatcher in the face and hoping word gets around. Like go fund a clean water program in Africa and be hands on in its implementation. Tell me how that’s a worse use of your time than doing Mad Libs against some skinny dweeb covered in question marks.

Honestly, you should have let the nuke blow up Gotham. That city takes up an unprecedented amount of our National Guard’s time.

1. Jay Gatsby

This dude’s been catching L’s for the better part of 100 years thanks to old Fuck Scott Fitzgerald.

Everyone has probably either read the Great Gatsby or seen one of the two movies. But no matter how many times you consume the story, Jay here never gets any less pathetic.

You see Jay Gatsby is a privileged man. He’s got massive wealth, he lives in the post-war, pre-depression, and pre-pre second war era, and apparently has extremely advanced access to Jay-Z and Kanye singles per the newest movie. This man is good looking, well-off, and could have any woman he wants.

Yet he spends all his time on a dock staring at a green light that represents a woman from his youth that he’s never stopped loving.

Several things here Jay. One, move on you weirdo. This is like being 24 and still obsessed with your middle school girlfriend. Two, stop staring at the light — it’s bad for your eyes and definitely creeping out your staff. Three, you own one of like seven cars in existence in your time. If you’re that obsessed with her, maybe drive over there and tell her so instead of the weird roundabout way you go about it.

Yet another man who literally simped himself to death. RIP old sport.

Sound off on who I missed in the comments. I know there’s going to be quite a few.