Ahh the mid-2000’s. It was a simpler, purer time. Heelys were taking elementary schools by storm. Green Day and Simple Plan were being angsty about nothing in particular. And MTV dominated the reality show world.

I mentioned in a recent Phone it in Friday that I truly believe MTV writers in the mid-2000’s are the greatest comedians of all time. And their smash hit Next, which ran from 2005-2008 yet somehow had 6 seasons, does nothing to disprove that.

For those who missed out on this revolutionary show/their childhood, here’s the basic premise:

You take 5 guys or girls who are an artist’s rendering of what people from the 2000s looked like, and have them wait on a coach bus. One at a time they come out and meet a person they’re going to go on a date with. It’s important to note that this person is totally in control. If at any point during the date they’re no longer feeling the individual for whatever reason, they just yell “Next!” and the next person on the bus comes out. Also, they’re seeing these people for the first time when they come off the bus. So if the guy takes two steps off the bus and the girl doesn’t like the look of him, she can just Next his ass and he has to go back on the bus.

It’s shallow and horrible and amazing.

Now here’s what really puts this show over the top: the contestants on this show are the worst. Not just reality show bad. They are the worst caliber of people to ever exist on this earth. Every single one of them is a trashy, vile, morally bankrupt human and it makes for incredible television.

This was usually evidenced by their personal biographies…

In fact, let’s break a few of these winners down:

Brad, 19

Starting off strong with a quintessential douchebag. Brad here has a perfectly apt first name, the chaotically gelled hair of a young Andy Roddick, and a random amount of tattoos, at least 3 of which are definitely:

1. Barbed wire around the bicep

2. The word “enlightenment” incorrectly spelled in Mandarin

3. A tribal tattoo that will become problematic in about 15 years or so

Brad also takes the time to relish in his high school accomplishments and offer a charming insight into his specific, holiday-based fetishes. Strong start.

Matt, 22

Love my guy Matt. Comes out standing at an angle that no one has ever stood at, and immediately drops the bomb that he’s a chronic sweater. I can empathize, though he should know better than to wear a shirt that light on a date.

But it’s after this initial admission that we really get a good look at the duality of Matt. You see, Matt is an empath. An animal lover. Someone who can’t stand the cruel treatment of calfs by the food industry. Matt is a man of morals, a man of princip…nope never mind he’s talking to his priest mid-coitus. Why wouldn’t you just wait until after you’re done in 90 seconds? Actually, why are you even talking to your priest on the phone to begin with? A beautiful, complicated man.

Brittany, 19

19-year-old Brittany, seen here wearing a giant’s wedding ring around her neck, presumably took a break from pursuing her pre-med degree to be on this show.

Here’s the thing Brit — I got nothing against peeing in the shower. We all do it, nothing to be ashamed about. Having said that…maybe don’t lead with it as your number one fun fact. And maybeeee don’t follow it up by admitting you’re unable to do something that toddlers can do instinctually. And MAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEE don’t conclude by mentioning your gaseous romantic tendencies. Brit here is a mess, but we love her for it.

Ashley, 20

Idc what anyone says, Ashley is an absolute queen who’s not afraid to show a little skin, albeit in a weird part of her upper thigh that no one finds particularly appealing.

Ashley brings a lot to the table though. She has a fun hobby collecting something that there’s only 5 varieties of. She has a great role model in a guy who gives away free toasters to people who can guess the price of said toasters. And she’s got a little edge to her. You cross Ashley and you can expect a box of human shit at your door. Some may say that’s low-class and possibly felonious, but I call it being passionate!

BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Those are all real. I wish I could come up with something as funny as that. And get this: those are just the first four bios that came up when I searched for them. They’re ALL like that. Having said that, I respect the hell out of my guy Raj:

Is Raj probably on a lethal amount of ecstasy? Almost definitely. Is “The Sultan of Sweat” a funny ass nickname? You’re goddamn right.

Actually while we’re on the topic of shirtless men, Next occasionally featured homosexual dates, which would have been great except I’m pretty sure the producers were writing the fun facts for their gay contestants…

Those sound like facts that were written by someone who has only ever read about gay people. The mid-2000s weren’t the most enlightened times.

Regardless, given the caliber of people on this show, I’m sure you can imagine that the dates always focused on superficial traits like looks, hygiene, and fitness. That’s not so bad for a first date when you’re just getting to know someone right? Wrong. So wrong.

Let me give you an example: There was a woman on the show who greeted her first potential suitor by saying that it’s essential that any man she dates is in top physical condition. Slightly vain maybe, but nothing wrong with wanting a partner who takes care of themself. So she brings them to a gym. Ok, a workout date. Not my cup of tea but it’s a thing. Nope. She has these dudes getting their BMI’s measured. And if they have more than 7-8% body fat, she Next’s them. Good luck maintaining that standard into middle age babe.

However, the contestants that do manage to prove they have an adequate supply of lean muscle mass get to advance to a more normal portion of the date, like a picnic. Unfortunately, that gives both parties an opportunity to talk.

Yeah…not normally a big proponent of dystopian ideals, but we should really regulate who’s allowed to procreate.

Finally (and mercifully), if a contestant from the bus made it through a full date without getting Next’ed, they were given a choice: Go on another date with this person OR collect a payment of $1 for every minute you were on the date. For context, the dates rarely lasted past 90 minutes. Some only lasted 45. So you get to pick between seeing a person you may one day share a life with or FORTY FIVE DOLLARS. Candidly, I would rather the beer money than the woman who will shoot me if my BMI inches into double digits.

This show was truly incredible. And as a reward for suffering through this, here’s an actual episode of Next. Enjoy: