Trying to create more recurring segments on here to make my life easier. Already have 2 days of the week locked down by the same blogs. Time to take all spontaneity out of this thing.

I’m a HUGE movie buff and love talking shop and giving hardo reviews to make it seem like I think at a deeper level than everyone else, when in reality I’m just paraphrasing some online douchebag’s take. In other words, get ready to hear a lot about cinematography and for me to repeatedly say ‘film’ instead of ‘movie’ like a dick.

Nah, in reality I’m barely going to say anything of substance or review the actual movie. It’s mostly just going to be pointing out minute flaws in stunning works of art that hundreds of people put thousands of hours of work into. Could I do any better than them? No. Am I a more discerning asshole than them? Yes. Let’s begin.

The inaugural movie to be subjected to my smart-assery:

Avatar 2: The Way of Water

SPOILERS AHEAD, KIND OF. DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE OR INTEND TO. UNLESS YOU LIKE GOING INTO MOVIES KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED SO YOU CAN SOUND SMART. IF SO, YOU SHOULD STILL PROBABLY READ A DIFFERENT SUMMARY.

Ok so 10 seconds into this movie I immediately remembered that I only saw the original Avatar one time when I was 14 years old, so I have no clue what happened or who any of these blue people are. As best I remember, the main guy is named Jake, and was in a wheelchair in his human body so he opted for this Avatar life where he can post up in trees and shoot alien boars with arrows. Kind of a no-brainer tbh.

After braiding their hair together a bunch of times, Jake and his wife or soul partner or whatever the fuck, have a bunch of kids, none of whom seem to have the same accent somehow. Also joining their little clan is an adopted daughter who was conceived mysteriously to Sigourney Weaver’s avatar. Why is Sigourney Weaver in every movie involving some kind of alien btw? The hell is she hiding? And why is this girl the only one of the Na’vi with bangs? Everyone in Jake’s family is a half-breed besides his wife. How come this girl is the only one who got a 90’s cut?

Every member of this species looks like some badass warrior and this chick is still buzzing off the spiritual high/MDMA she got at Avatar Coachella.

Whatever. Moving on.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention they also have a fully human dude they call Spider living with them. He’s apparently the offspring of the bad guy general from the first movie, which is a fact that was lost on me because, again, it came out in 2009. Maybe put the sequels a little closer to each other next time eh Cameron? Also Jake refers to spider as “not family, but more like a stray cat” in his opening narration, which is a wicked mean thing to say to a kid you’ve essentially taken in as your own. Anyways here’s Spider:

This dude is 18 in real life and has already gotten more action than I will in my entire life. Out of pure jealousy I’m going to try to cancel him for cultural appropriation. You’re white as cream bro — lose the dreds. Also, you’re really going to do blue face/torso in 2022? The Na’vi culture is not your costume dude. And why are you wearing thin upper arm bands like you’re a slot receiver for the Eagles? You’re problematic as hell man. I hope they stop production on the Young Tarzan movie you’re undoubtedly going to star in soon.

Alright back to the plot. Jake’s suburban bliss is disrupted when bad guy general comes back in Avatar form because he apparently got murked in the last movie (again, no clue).

How does anyone permanently die in this world btw? Can’t you just keep making new avatars of yourself?

Apparently, Earth is dying and humans need to colonize Pandora to keep the ol’ species going. Thinly veiled allusion to the climate crisis there. Spare me your lecture James Cameron, go excavate the Titanic you weirdo. Anyways the “sky people” decide to begin the colonization of the place they need to live in by burning the entire forest down. Good start boys, can’t imagine how your planet went to shit.

Fast forward a year and Jake Sully, whose last name is a nickname for some reason, bounces with his fam to some water-based village where a slightly more aqua race of avatars live. Thankful for their asylum from bad guy general, the Sully fam set out to learn the ways of the water (like the title!) to make themselves useful. A full hour of movie-time later they’ve acclimated themselves to their new environment and have learned to hold their breath for like 15 minutes underwater somehow.

Let me pause here to say that this entire sequence was visually the most stunning thing I’ve ever seen in a movie. Having made that clear… Cameron could have done with just half of it. Like we didn’t need the whole “you’re from a different place and are a slightly different color than me so we’re going to bully you” bit. We get it, everyone is a kind of a prejudiced dick who refuses to understand other cultures no matter where you go. This isn’t new information.

Also this is super unrelated but how is there not ONE fat avatar? I get they’re all expected to pull their weight, but really? No one has a little extra weight to pull? They catch a prize-winning tuna every ten seconds. You’re telling me no one chows down on a little more than their fair share? It’s a moot point, but it really pulled me out of the story. Make it a background character, I don’t care. I just couldn’t see myself in any of these blue alien people who live on a different planet. Representation matters.

Ok back to the fat-phobic movie. So the general is just waltzing around with his dick in his hand for a full hour while these kids learn how to ride saw sharks and jam their braids into some fucked up catfish-whale hybrid that’s painted like an ornate vase. This guy appears to be the only fish that can communicate seamlessly with sign language despite not having fingers. And why are they hyper intelligent while every other fish is essentially an aquatic plow horse? Cameron owes me so many answers.

Only other notable thing from the conflict-less portion of the film is the adopted daughter with the bowl haircut is essentially God? She feels connected to Na’vi god and has a seizure when attaching herself to the spirit tree. So she’s a child born of immaculate conception with a connection to the divine. Hmm where have I heard that before? Stop preaching at me Cameron!

And why did the guy from Dodgeball get all high and mighty declaring that she definitely had an epileptic seizure? You’re on an alien planet filled with blue people whose god is essentially the earth itself. Your western medicine doesn’t really work here. Now get your saline solution out of her arm and let the witch doctor with a basket of fruit and neon liquids do her work!

Meanwhile, Carmela Soprano, who serves little to no purpose to the plot, tasks the general with killing Jake Sully so that their colonization efforts can proceed. I get he’s a traitor to them and killed a bunch of their soldiers, but how much tactical advantage does killing him really give you? There’s still a billion other Na’vi you’d have to take out to control Pandora and they routinely manage to whip your ass with just spears and arrows.

Regardless, General Dickbag proceeds with his weird revenge plan, starting by blindly tormenting every single aquatic village he sees until someone gives up Sully. Unfortunately, as only one of the villages know of Jake’s existence, the General is essentially just burning everyone’s shit until he happens to stumble upon the right village. This guy is supposed to be the greatest marine who ever lived, yet he’s essentially just doing the Vietnam War. Pretty sure they teach you about failed past military strategy at basic training there champ.

When that fails (shocker!), he opts to start hunting the wicked smart spirit fish because he knows it will piss off the Na’vi and draw the locals (including Jake) out. Apparently these things are already being hunted by a stereotypical Aussie fisherman because they contain a serum which stops aging. This is a random and irrelevant plot point, though here’s my impression of that guys entire character:

Also the fact that they kill these massive creatures, take a single thing from them, then discard the rest of the body is reminiscent of the illegal shark fin trade. Once again James Cameron shoves his Hollywood agenda down our throats.

Ok, now that the general is being a twat again we finally have some action. Long story short, he gets a tracking tag in the smart fish that one of Sully’s kids hooked up with so he has eyes on the whole Sully crew. Eventually one of their ships that is shaped like a crab for seemingly no reason captures three of the Sully’s and takes them prisoner on his war ship.

Sidenote: why do they keep bringing the 4-year-old with them every time they go to do some dangerous, deep sea activity? Leave the child in her oceanside hut. She doesn’t even need an iPad to entertain her. Look into the water and you can watch a literal baby shark. Just reckless babysitting.

Sully is prepared to sacrifice himself to save his family and the rest of the Na’vi when cool fish comes in and starts fucking up the war ship. This gives the Na’vi a window to attack and an epic fight ensues in which a trained army of people who have billions of dollars worth of tactical war machines on their side get smoked by archers riding giant dragonflies.

After a series of epic kills, the Sullies lose one of their own when their eldest son catches a stray bullet to the chest. Wracked with grief/anger, his mother murders the ever living shit out of everyone she encounters on the boat until only General Douchelord is left. He holds one of the Sully girls hostage while Mrs. Sully pulls a knife on his estranged son Spider.

(Spider was kidnapped by the army dudes this whole time btw, should have mentioned that).

In a random display of affection for a son that he never knew and isn’t even biologically his, the General lets the daughter go to save Spider’s life. This made absolutely zero sense given his character.

What ensues is a way too long water fight between Sully and the General, in which Sully eventually succeeds in choking the general out and leaving him for dead at the bottom of the ocean. However, because Cameron needs to milk 3 more movies out of this franchise, the General is saved by Spider.

I get Spider feels he owes him cause the General saved his life, but like wtf dude? 10 minutes ago this guy said, verbatim, that he would “kill the entire Sully family.” You’re just cool with potentially facilitating the murder of the people who were nice enough to raise you. Weird code of morality you got there.

Though if you’re Sully some of the blame is on you. Don’t just let him float away and assume he’ll die. Find an arrow or spear and cut the dudes head off, then take the head with you. So if you’re ever worried that he might come back to fuck up Pandora or threaten your family you can just be like. “Oh wait, he can’t come back. I cut his head off and there it is on our mantle next to our sons urn.” Just makes things a lot easier in the future.

At the end of the movie, Jake tells his other, still alive son that he’s proud of him after making the kid feel like the family fuck up the whole movie. A great reminder to any parents or future parents out there: NEVER tell your kid you’re proud of them or love them because then it will mean that much more when you finally do say it at a pivotal moment.

Finally, they give their dead son a viking funeral and are officially accepted as water people, essentially Irish goodbye-ing their entire tribe in the jungle.

Final thoughts:

• Most of the scenes with Spider were just him and the Na’vi. But since he was a human actor and they’re all CGI, was he just having full-on conversations with a bunch of tennis balls on sticks?

• The actor who plays Jake Sully got sloppy with the accent at the end. His character was born human and is presumably from New York based on the voice and construction worker-sounding name, but he occasionally dips into more of an Afrikaans accent. He’s like a girl who spends 3 months in England and then sort of has a British accent all of second semester.

• Imagine if you’re a visual effects artist and created a beautiful film expecting to win an Oscar, then find out this shit is coming out the same year. I’d quit.

• How funny would it be if James Cameron is actually terrible at CGI and all the Na’vi are just real people painted very convincingly? I would respect it.

Avatar 2: The Way of Water - Official Rating: 7.6/10

• Overall very enjoyable and beautiful movie that dragged a little too much in the middle. Cut down some of the water sequences and the ending action sequence and you’re in the 8’s Cameron. Would see it for the visuals alone though.