Ah to be young in the summer of 1884.

The Civil War was nearly 20 years in the rearview, and racial inequality would never again be a problem in American society.

Slavery was abolished except for Texas where they kinda just didn’t tell any of the slaves they were free.

And perhaps most significantly, the 1884 St. Louis Maroons were making baseball history in like the 7th year that baseball even existed. Pictured below looking like guards at a gay prison, the Maroons were truly the stuff of legend:

While I’m sure the beloved Maroons are never far from the top of your mind, they’ve been in the news recently on account of the modern day Tampa Bay Rays, who are in the midst of the 2nd best start to a season in baseball history.

The Rays currently sit at 13-0, a respectable start, but one which ultimately fails in comparison to the Maroons 20-0 beginning to the ‘84 campaign.

Those Maroons played just a bit before my time, but my dad was in the prime of his life for that magical 1884 season. (Boom roasted Steve, you old SOB).

I remember sitting on pop-pop’s knee despite his protests that I was a grown adult and 30 lbs heavier than him, as he would regale me with tales of the unstoppable ‘84 Maroons and question why I was calling him pop-pop for the first time ever.

He remembers staying up well past his bedtime to listen to the Maroons broadcast in secret on his little AM radio, an invention which wouldn’t exist until 11 years later.

I watched as his eyes lit up, speaking of an unstoppable assemblage of ball players. A real murderers row lineup, comprised of power hitters, blazing base stealers, and in some cases, actual murderers as murder was, of course, legal in 1884.

So in honor of the Rays historic streak and my pops childhood memories, I thought it would be nice to revisit the great men that comprised the greatest lineup in baseball history. Re-introducing the 1884 St. Louis Maroons baseball club:

Catcher: “Lefty” Lou Appleby

Lou here was actually right-handed, but he caucused hard for Democratic nominee Grover Cleveland in the ‘84 election. Hard-core lib.

First Base: Tomahawk O’Houlihan

Was not Native American, just extremely racist.

Second base: Pipsqueak Pulaski

At 4 feet 6 inches tall, Pipsqueak’s strike zone was almost non-existent. It wasn’t until years later that the league found out Pipsqueak was actually two toddlers in an oversized woolen shirt. How he batted .365 that season we’ll never know.

Third base: Steelmill Shoreditch

Steelmill, ironically the heir to a prominent ironworks business, was given the moniker on account of his nerves of steel. He played fearlessly, taking 7 pitches directly to the temple in his storied career. Granted, 4 of those came after the third one wiped out the part of his brain that controls reflexes, but still, Steelmill was a warrior.

Shortstop: Jaundice Mackleroy

His face may have been yellow but Jaundice was anything but a coward! He died roughly 12 seconds after this photo was taken.

Left field: Orville “Dead” Redenbacher

No relation to the popcorn magnate. Orville actually died in the Civil War 19 years prior, but still managed to give the Maroons 3 solid years of work in left.

Center field: Marcus “Gilded Age” McGuinness

No one knows why or how Marcus was named after an era that he was presently living through and one which had not yet been classified as an era, but that was just one of the many marvels of the ‘84 Maroons.

Right field: Tanner “Hotdog” Allen

Allen was actually a hot dog vendor for the Maroons, hence the name, but was signed to a baseball contract when he killed a kid after drilling him in the face with a 90 mph dog toss from 100 feet away.

Pitchers:

1. Sidewinder McJasper

Ol’ Sidewinder lulled batters to sleep with his excruciating 2-minute long windup. Most hitters had actually left the ballpark by the time the pitch finally arrived at the plate. He pitched some of the greatest games in baseball history, all of which were called for time midway through the first inning.

2. Buttercup Dickerson

My God was he a drunk. He struck out hitters on the next field over.

3. Sergeant Major J.T. Barnaby

Guy was never enlisted in any armed forces of any kind. No clue why he called himself that. Decent slider though.

4. Ol’ Mollases Mudderfield III

Believe it or not, the ‘Ol’ was part of his legal name. 3 generations of Ol’ Mudderfield men.

5. H.H. Holmes

Not the serial killer, just an unfortunate coincidence. Very nice guy actually. Good businessman too. Ended up taking over a hotel in Chicago after his playing career ended. Oh wait, I hear it.

Manager: “Shellshocked” Shorty Masterson

He left the Civil War, but the Civil War never left him. God help any player on his roster with a Southern accent. Drank himself to death in ‘85. Led the Maroons to a Pennant in ‘86.

Fun fact: one of those names was a real player on the Maroons. Can you guess which?

Also there’s now a 100% chance the Rays lose the streak now, so bet accordingly.