Was at a Celtics game a few weeks back and began musing on Jumbotron culture. People in the US go nuts when a camera pans to them merely being spectators. It’s bizarre, but it kind of makes sense if you really think about it.

The Jumbotron is a rare moment in the sun for Jo Schmo. It’s the chance for a perfectly average guy to be the star of the show for a fleeting instant. To have a crowd of thousands cheer him on as he attempts to un-wedge his fat from the sides of a narrow stadium chair. And most importantly, it gives a voice to the voiceless. As far as I know, it’s the only platform where being an obese alcoholic is a desirable circumstance.

But as I sat there, amusedly watching the camera pan around the crowd, my roommate/best friend/muse Slick pointed something out…

Virtually every person who appears on the Jumbotron during any sporting event fits into 1 of about 10 or so categories of generic guys. In other words, you’re never going to see anything wholly original on a Jumbotron. Whatever antic is getting a rise out of the crowd is just an iteration of what some drunk jokester has already done before, be it a weird dance or profane gesture.

With this realization in mind, we quickly stopped trying to figure out if any of the players on the Thunder were real guys (they’re not) and turned all of our attention towards creating these distinct categories. Here’s what we came up with as our 10 types of Jumbotron guys you’ll see at every sporting event. (Ranked worst to best).

10. 7-Year old kid who still does the floss dance

I swear to God, backpack kid from that Katy Perry song fucked up the whole world. The first time I realized I was getting older was when the floss trend kicked off. A dumbass dance was my first taste of not understanding, and therefore hating, the way kids are today. That one summer where every kid aged 5-13 was doing it on the Jumbotron was insufferable. And the fact that dental companies got in on it and started sponsoring the segment. Like the “Crest Pro Health Whiteness + Enamel Floss Cam” was for sure a real thing at some point. Case in point:

And what’s up with kids knowing all these weird dances now? You know what I was doing when I was 12? Playing manhunt and riding bikes with my friends. You know what my dad was doing when he was 12? Playing manhunt and riding bikes with his friends. Maybe smoking cigs. You know what my grandfather was doing when he was 12? Probably preparing for basic training with the US Navy. (Different time).

Regardless, there’s still one or two kids who try to bust this out when the camera lands on them. And every time it occurs, I will boo those kids mercilessly until their spirit is broken and their childhood is somewhat ruined. You’re never too young to learn what life really is.

9. Guy who flexes the jersey of the team everyone in the stadium literally paid to see

Very specific, I know. I’m talking about these kind of guys:

Oh no way you guys are Capitals fans? I couldn’t tell by you being at the Capitals game at the Capitals rink wearing Capitals shit.

Idk what it is about this kind of guy, but it pisses me off for some reason. Definitely just me being super reactive to nothing, but something about holding up or pointing at the logo for the team as if you’re original in your fandom annoys me. Like we’re literally all wearing the exact same jersey as you. You’re not cool or special. Also, you don’t have to draw attention to the jersey for us to know which team you’re rooting for. We can infer by the fact that you’re wearing it. Condescending dick.

8. Opposing fan leaning into the villain role

Opposite side of the same coin with the guy from #9 here. I actually love when opposing fans get shown on the J-tron, especially in a big game. It gives the crowd a common enemy to rally against and unleash a tidal wave of boos onto. If the camera operator is really on their game, then they’ll alternate between a home fan and away fan to get the cheers and boos going in sequence. Gets everyone into it and makes for a more fun viewing experience.

That’s all well and good. The problem is when the opposing fan gets way too into it. Most of the time they’ll laugh or put their head down in shame. But there’s always the one asshole who has to play up the joke and rep the jersey or do the “bring it on” motion with his hand. That guy blows. Just sit down and watch your shitty team lose bro.

Here’s an example:

First off, nice custom shirt with your own last name douche. Secondly, this is the shit I’m talking about. Look at the hands spread out, taunting anyone to challenge his mighty Philly-ness. Real easy to be a tough guy in San Diego where everyone’s biggest concern is whether the fish of the day is Mahi or Yellowfin. Try doing that shit at a Bills game and see how long it takes before you’re set on fire.

7. Guy who flips off the camera

Don’t need a visual for this one, but we’ve all seen this at some point during a game. There’s always the one cool guy who doesn’t want the camera on him and decides to flip the bird. Now I got no issue with profanity, either verbal or otherwise, at a ballgame. I try not to do it if I notice a little kid is sitting near me, but at the end of the day it’s a competitive event and tensions run high. Sometimes your emotions take over and you need to talk a little shit.

But flipping off the camera is just a “look at me, I’m so sick” move. No one thinks you’re cool and you get yourself tossed from a game you paid money to see. Either wave or just ignore it, the camera will be off you in 2 seconds you miserable dick.

6. Guy who notices just as the camera cuts away

Kind of too specific for a visual aid, but I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m not even mad at this guy, just more disappointed and concerned for his well-being. If the camera goes on you, there’s presumably other people around you in the shot. And some of those people are bound to notice they are currently on screen. And they will emit noises and flail about to indicate their excitement that they’re on screen. You gotta notice something is out of the ordinary and look around to understand the commotion. By the time they look up and start to smile or wave, the camera inevitably cuts away. Good. Serves ‘em right. Head in the game dude.

5. Super oblivious old person

Similar to the last person, but with the slight difference that they wouldn’t understand what was happening even if they were staring straight at the Jumbotron. Their obliviousness is not their fault so much as their nature as elderly folk. They’re focused on enjoying a basketball game — you can’t be peppering them with additional stimuli. Take this couple for example:

First off, note the attire. This couple dressed the same for a C’s game as they would for an old timers lunch at the Macaroni Grill. You know the woman brought in outside snacks in that fanny pack. Now observe their conflicting facial reactions. The wife has a somewhat bemused smile. Moving pictures aka film aren’t native to her generation. She’s stuck in a state of processing paralysis trying to understand how they got a real-time picture of her up on the big screen. The guy meanwhile is just pure confusion. His mouth is agape, and his eyes boast the distant, thousand-yard stare of a man who physically survived the Vietnam War, but mentally never left. Thank you for your service sir.

4. Player from another local sports team

Ok, now we’re getting to the good ones. This is a fun way to energize the crowd, especially in a big sports town. The guys on the different pro teams like to support each other and embrace the sports culture of the city as a whole. That’s why you’ll always seeing Pats players wearing Bruins or Celtics shit to OTA’s during each team’s respective playoff runs. It’s kind of like a crossover episode of two of your favorite shows. You’ve got a character from one show on the set of another show. Kind of strange. Kind of fun.

Love to see the Pats chopping it up at a B’s game.

3. Immediately shirtless fat guy

Look, the classics are classics for a reason. Fat guys are Jumbotron gold when they’re really comfortable with who they are and what they bring to the table. Now we don’t fat shame on this blog — I named it after my engorged liver after all. You don’t show a fat guy on the big screen to mock them. You show them knowing that they have the potential to do this:

First off, you’re perfect just as you are king. Secondly, that’s called seizing the moment. Camera comes on, adrenaline is pumping, tarp comes off — no hesitation. That’s performing on the biggest stage when the lights are brightest. Great assist from the Elon frat boy next to him too. Really well coordinated effort by the boys.

Take this other example from NC State:

In a sea of sameness, this hulking hero stands out. Look at the balance, the precision of the towel wave, the indifference to the security buzzkill trying to make him let go of whatever the hell he’s holding on to. This is using all of your gifts to the best of your ability. Now you watch this and may think, “what does him being a little hefty have to do with anything?" Picture if you would, a guy doing this exact same thing except he has a 6-pack and veiny, hulking arms. You’re not admiring his brazen display of individuality. You’re annoyed with some fitness douche making the game all about himself. Big boys come from a place of pure joy and we’re happy to impart that joy on others. You pop the top and you immediately energize the whole section.

2. Baby with headphones

I really don’t have to add much context here. A little baby with the big ol’ headphones to keep their little ears safe while they sit there all snug in a jersey numbered 1/2 is one of the cutest sights known to man. I feel like Drew Brees pioneered it back when he won his Super Bowl in 2010. As such, he got rewarded with one of the most iconic and adorable pictures in sports history:

He’s reaching for the confetti. 🥺 My heart.

1. Full beer chug guy

Let’s be honest, there’s only one thing that could beat headphones baby and it’s one-touch beer guy. Usually it’s going to be a courtside athlete as they’re the only ones who can keep the camera on them long enough for the feat to be possible. But my God, when it happens, there’s nothing like it. It fires up the crowd in a way that headphone baby or fat shirtless guy could only dream of. There’s just something so pure and wonderful about a professional athlete putting away beer like it’s his job. David Bakhtiari of the Green Bay Packers is the gold standard.

Just flawless execution from start to finish. Even before the chug, you’ve got a guy who looks like Jason Momoa’s younger brother if he was an all-state wrestler in high school. He wears #69 on the field so you know he parties. Then BOOM. Without hesitation he goes right into the chug. That’s no small beer either. That’s a 3/4 full tall boy heavy IPA by the looks of it. That’s a thick, heavy amount of liquid to put away so effortlessly. Also note how he makes sure to cheers his lady friend first. Classy move. Anyways great chug, he’s probably done right? NOPE. He produces a second full beer from the goddamn clouds and puts that down easier than the first. First off, great wherewithal to have that beer ready to go. He subscribes to my patented sporting event strategy I’ve termed “AHDOD.”

Always have a drink on deck.™

I’m going to make t-shirts once I can think of an acronym that doesn’t remind people so much of ADHD. But it’s a smart strategy by a man who’s clearly been there before. You’re a big guy, you can handle a lot of beer and you can drink very fast. Gotta have a few extras ready to rock so you don’t have to keep making trips to the beer line. Genius.

PS. It might not be on the Jumbotron, but I’m always ready for a live broadcast chug