Now that we’ve had several days to digest the annoyance of the Chiefs winning the Super Bowl again and Travis Kelce’s somehow already drunk speech on the podium, we can turn our attention to the offseason and more important matters. Namely, the fact that 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan has, for the third time, blown a double digit lead in the Super Bowl, putting him firmly atop the list of guys who can’t win the big one.

In sports terminology, a guy who can’t win the big one is a coach or player who has massive amounts of success over the course of their career, but can never get over that hump and win the championship at the end of the season. There have been many such players, coaches, and even entire teams across the anals (deliberate) of history, and I’m here to break down my top 10. Here we go:

10. James Franklin

Our list starts off with Penn State head football coach James Franklin. A man of nervous energy, Franklin has found massive success with the Nittany Lions, boasting a record of 88-39 across 10 seasons. They’re consistently in the top 10 and always a preseason playoff pick. The only problem - his teams always fold in the biggest games. During his tenure, Penn State is just 3-19 against top 10 ranked teams and a combined 4-16 against Ohio St and Michigan. Not going to go very far if you can’t beat the only two other good teams in your entire conference.

This was funny though:

9. Mark Few

Few has been the head man at Gonzaga for 25 years and has led their hoops program to far greater heights than anyone could envision for something based in Spokane, Washington. His program has been a #1 seed in the tournament 5 times and the overall #1 seed in two of those tournaments. The man has made the NCAA tournament EVERY YEAR he’s coached there. And yet, the Zags only made the Final Four twice in 24 full seasons and lost in the National Championship each time, most recently in a 2021 shitpumping to fellow perennial choke artist Baylor. Perhaps consider moving to a different program Mark.

8. Alfred Hitchcock

The famed director of American horror classics, such as Psycho and The Birds (bunch of elementary school kids get picked off by normal-sized crows for 2 hours, it’s kinda funny), Hitchcock was nominated for five Best Director Oscars and lost all five. He’s one of three men in history to share that distinction and the other two made movies when Birth of a Nation won Best Picture so they don’t count. He got some sort of honorary Oscar late in his career which both doesn’t count and is more insulting than not winning in my opinion. You know what? I’m counting the pity Oscar as a negative award. He now has -1 Oscars.

7. New England Revolution

They’re losers enough playing in the MLS but they also have the unfortunate claim to three straight championship losses from 2005-2007. They also lost in the final in 2014 and got knocked out of the playoffs as a one seed a couple years back by a team that was founded like a week before. They’re Robert Kraft’s red-headed step child he doesn’t introduce to guests at parties. Actually that might be the Pats now…

6. Toronto Maple Leafs

Until last year, Toronto hadn’t gotten out of the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs since 2004. Forget the big one, they can’t even win the medium one. Now yes, technically the Leafs have won the Cup many times. However, the last one came in the 60s so I think it’s fair to include them here. They also warrant recognition because of how funny their playoff collapses are. Never forget when they blew a 3-goal lead to the Bruins in Game 7 in like 10 minutes. Credit to Jack Edwards on the final goal call — you’d think he was doing play-by-play for Beowulf.

5. Brad Stevens

We’ll see if GM Brad makes me eat my words at the end of this season, but coach Brad has done more than enough to land on this list. Guy somehow took Butler to the Natty Ship two years in a row and couldn’t win either. Then he takes over for the Celtics and loses in the Conference Finals three out of four years. Add in a Finals loss and yet another Conference Finals loss for the Cs during Brad’s brief tenure as GM and you’ve got yourself a man who just can’t win that last game of the season.

(Even after all these years, this is still the cruelest loss though. Wicked mean video too lmao):

4. Zenyatta (Horse)

This old mare was once thought to be a potential horse GOAT. (That’s greatest of all time, not some obscene hybrid farm animal).

Let me first say that by all accounts, Zenyatta was a winner. There was a 2-3 year stretch where she absolutely dominated her male contemporaries in every race she was in, and served as an inspiration of girl horsepower to terrifying up and coming horse girls everywhere. She even had a cocky strut she would do walking out before every race, making her literally too hot to trot.

Going into the final race of her career, Zenyatta was 19-0 and on the verge of becoming the first North American horse to retire undefeated with 20+ wins. Then came the Breeders’ Cup Classic.

In a stunning upset, Zenyatta lost by just a head to her fiercest rival, Blame. It was a devastating loss for Zenyatta, her team, and women’s sports as a whole.

3. Kyle Shanahan

Here’s our guy! In the last five years, Shanahan has lost in the NFC Championship twice and the Super Bowl twice. And as I said earlier, he has blown three double digit leads in three Super Bowls he coached in. What’s the third you ask? Well as some of you may remember, old Kyle here was the offensive coordinator for the Falcons during their famed 28-3 Super Bowl collapse to my New England Patriots in 2017. The man is allergic to winning in the clutch.

2. Germany

The entire nation of Germany shows up as the second biggest championship choker in recorded history. Now are they a sports team? No, they’re a country. Having said that, there are some analysts who regard war as the ultimate sport. Those analysts are all me in a variety of wigs and smoking jackets. But if war truly is a sport, then Germany is its biggest loser. They lost back-to-back World Wars AND got wrecked by sanctions after each. World War II is also literally known as “the Big One.” Never get into a land war with Russia guys. Doesn’t end well. But they aren’t the biggest collapse architects in history…

1. The Buffalo Bills

That’s right — the Buffalo Bills, a franchise so bad they overtake Nazis on this list, paradoxically are the #1 team who can’t win the big one. It pains me to write this because the people of Buffalo are some of the most passionate, salt of the earth sports fans out there. But my God are they sad. Even when they’re good, like now, they find extremely funny ways to come up short. They take the top spot because from 1990-1993, they famously lost four consecutive Super Bowls. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be good enough to GET to four straight Super Bowls but not good enough to win any of them? That is a level of heartbreak and despair wholly unique to Buffalo. Just a bleak team for a bleak place. But congrats guys you finally won something.

That’s the list! Tell me what I missed.

Honorable Mention: Nice guys

They don’t crack the list because you can’t compete for the big one when you always finish last. Also wtf women — do you want to be happy or not?