Bringing this back after missing it last week presumably because I was asleep most of the day.

Some would say that I’m lazy and doing a disservice to my readers. I would argue that I’m living up to the true spirit of “Phone it in Friday” by phoning in the blog about phoning it in.

We’ll let the pages of history decide.

Alright enough standing on ceremony, let’s get lazy.

Sidenote: there’s a chance some of these are re-used ideas. I’m trying to make sure I delete the ones I’ve already used out of my notes, but my batting average is below 1.000. Whatever, fits the theme of the blog better if there are repeats.

Big ideas

• A Beatles musical based on the concept of Manifest Destiny - The big show-stopping song in the play would be “I Want to Own Your Land” set to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”

• The BARbershop - A bar that’s only open in December and only serves Haircuts.

• Punishingly punctual birthday gram business - We sneak into your house just before midnight and surprise the shit out of you while you’re sleeping

• Jacket for your pants - This one is some stupid thing I wrote down after getting a laugh at the high school lunch table, but I don’t hate it. If you don’t have an umbrella and have to walk through the rain, your top stays dry cause of a rain jacket, but what of your bottom? Jacket for your pants.

• Motorized crew boat - It feels like if you hid this under the boat and made it retractable you could get away with it. Just make it really low power so it doesn’t stir up the water too much.

• Tear away boxers - I’m a man of great pageantry. If I’m to bed a woman, I want to do it with some flare. Taking off your underwear used to be awkward…until tear away boxers.

• Topless Tapas - Honestly no idea where this came from, but I like the sound of it. You’re telling me someone recommends topless tapas for dinner and you’re gonna say no?

• Dope drink idea - A couple friends and I started a TCU football merch business for no particular reason (get yours today if you want to be the life of the Fiesta Bowl #GoFrogs). Anyways we’ve been trying to engage with the TCU fanbase on Twitter and Slick suggested I come up with some drink recipes to tweet out for fans watching the game at home to make. Came up with this in 1 min off the top of the dome:

Sad life snippets

• Even though I’m 26 and look 38, I’ve contemplated using my old fake ID just for the thrill.

• If I were to describe my body goals to a personal trainer, I would say that I want to be in “mow the lawn shirtless” shape.

• You know that dream where your teeth all feel loose or are falling out? Psychologically it’s supposed to signal a lack of control in your life, but I have it often enough that I think my brain is just telling me to improve my dental hygiene.

• It’s weird when you get a little older and think about how much you sucked as a youngin. I legitimately thought I was the funniest, most unique kid alive when I was 18. Like I’m a pretty funny dude, but I would just come up with stupid, unfunny shit and think I was Robin Williams, God rest his soul. Here are some bad business ventures I have written down from freshman year. No idea the context of any of them:

  • Cookie-flavored champagne. I’m guessing this one came about because I love champagne cookies in the North End. I was really big into doing the inverse of stuff back then.

  • Sour Pop Tarts. Haha because that would be gross. Nailed it dipshit.

  • Heated umbrella. This seems like it would be very dangerous.

  • Color + Nature = A Fro-Yo shop. This is actually correct. That’s how every fro-yo shop is named. Orange Leaf. Pink Berry. Blue Petal. That last one is made up but you wouldn’t know.

• I’m pretty sure my dad used to assign yard work just to give me some semblance of hardship in my white picket fence life. He used to have me weed the yard, but we only had a few weeds so I would just fill 7 buckets of dirt for like an hour. He also used to have me turn the soil for no real reason. Don’t think he planted anything. Just wanted looser soil.

• A shocking amount of my knowledge of the stock market comes from the game Monopoly. Getting hammered on railroads right now.

• I’m still a child at heart, so if I get into a relationship is my girlfriend a pedophile at heart?

• One of these days I’m going to send dick pics to Team Snapchat.

• I’m definitely going to have to lie to my future kids about my upbringing so they don’t think I’m soft. I’ll say I was raised in a tough neighborhood and used to work as a runner for the crack den on the corner. Can’t have them knowing my family had 3 separate Honda’s and I was taught to swim in my backyard pool by a woman named Candy.

• To this day I brag about the fact that when I was 18, I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball on a regulation basketball net.

• After one particularly bad weekend of drinking and binge eating, my face was so bloated that my FaceID didn’t work because the proportions had changed too much.

• I truly can’t tell if I’m really chill now or I’m just apathetic to my own life. This is either really good or horrifically bad. Like my demeanor borders on comatose half the time.

What’s on my mind right now

• I truly believe early 2000’s MTV writers are the greatest comedians to ever walk this earth. Remember Date my Mom? Or Pimp My Ride? Or Yo Mama. There was a gameshow called Next where 5 guys/girls would hang out on a coach bus and one by one go out to meet their date. And if the date didn’t like the look of them, they would just say “Next!” and the dude had to fuck off. Electric television. I’ll do a full write-up on this sometime.

• I’d say the Venn Diagram of people who both studied philosophy and gamble incessantly is pretty much empty, but I think this is a profound thought so I’m going for it: Pascal’s Wager was the first gambling hedge.

• Remember how weird grinding was in high school? Who allowed that to happen? You’re like 16, essentially dry humping someone in public while making eye contact with your Spanish teacher.

• To that note ^ I’m not sure if I ever really enjoyed the experience of grinding. I was always so focused on keeping with the rhythm. Shake left, now right, now left, left you idiot!

• This is a super gross thought and I highly recommend nobody read this. You’ve been warned. Seriously don’t read this. It’s on you at this point if you don’t jump to the next bullet…

  • You ever get Cherry Coke at a soda fountain? That’s how I imagine bloody diarrhea comes out. You were warned.

• Every few months I get on a major health kick and stick with it until some big weekend like the 4th or XMas knocks me off my rhythm. As a result, my phone is filled with a bunch of “Before” pictures. It’s getting demoralizing.

• This is far from an original thought, but why does WebMD always spit out the worst case scenario? You could put in runny nose and light headache and they’d diagnose you with scurvy. That’s on you for taking that voyage to the New World in the 1490’s.

• I scream, you scream, we all scream for… DIABETES!

• Can Jewish people have weddings on the beach? Because I feel like you want to be barefoot for that and that makes the stepping on the glass thing kind of a non-starter.

• Sometimes I invent words or phrases. Here’s one: Self-Defecating humor. It’s when you constantly shit on yourself.

I have to do literally all of my freelance work today. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, keep it tight!