Writing this in a car on the way to Vermont with my platonic lady friend who sometimes sleeps in my bed. It’s roughly 55 degrees in here aka my ideal writing/sleeping temperature, so I’m sharp and ready to rock.

This is coming out late in the evening because I slept until 2 today. Wasn’t even hungover, was just that tired.

Alright enough foreplay, let’s get into it.

Big ideas

• West Side Story where one of the gangs is an actual gang. The Sharks start snapping and the Jets just murder the shit out of them and the play ends.

• Shotgun-able glass beers. Need I say more?

• Make gambling income un-taxable. I’m literally guessing on sporting events and if I lose the state government gets the money. Least you could do is let me keep my winnings.

• Let’s normalize bragging about our youth sports accomplishments. Honestly, who tf cares what you’re doing now? Oh cool, you got promoted from associate to manager at a software startup that makes it slightly easier to merge spreadsheets from Google Docs to Excel? Sick, I hit a standup triple in my last at-bat in baseball. Which one of those is better?

What wakes me in the night

• Why is every toilet in the mens room at a stadium clogged? What psychopath is dropping heat in one of those?

• I know that Zyn is definitely bad for you, but I can’t really figure out how. It’s addictive because nicotine but I don’t get addicted to stuff so it’s not really a concern. Excited to be part of a class-action lawsuit in 10 years.

• Why is Machine Gun Kelly so sad? Like I fully understand that mental health can strike no matter your life circumstances, but like… his should kind of make him immune right? Like he’s engaged to Megan Fox, has a billion dollars, and lives in a mansion in Beverly Hills. That all seems pretty good.

• Can bleu cheese go bad? Or does it just acquire more flavor?

Sad life snippets

• Took a red eye from Utah on Wednesday night and set off the body scanner with my elevated body heat. Guy asked if I was wearing a necklace and I was like “it’s just sweat from the 20 foot walk I took to get over here, move on dude”

• Was in the grocery store the other day, perusing the Cheeto puffs and Funions like a gross slob and some mom with two little kids comes into the chip aisle. The older kid (roughly 6) is picking chips and the younger one (maybe 3) chimes in, “Can we get something healthy though?” So someone who’s preferred diet is candy and pop tarts knows to mix in a salad and I don’t. Nice. Good.

• At one of the ski lodges in Utah I told people that I don’t ski by choice and they all looked at me like I said I was hooking up with their dad, so I just started lying and said I tore my ACL.

• Ate a box of Toaster Strudels by myself over the last week like a five-year-old

• I’m in a weird place weight-wise where all of my pants are too big, but my belts are too small. Not sure why they aren’t correlated to begin with.

Watch basketball and eat like shit this weekend — you’ve earned it probably.