Wanna know how hard I’m phoning it in right now? I made a haircut appointment this morning solely so I could avoid doing work for an extra half hour.

I’m currently typing this in a split screen while watching John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum on the other side. Side note: you can’t have a colon and a dash in the same title, it’s sloppy writing. Just call it John Wick: Parabellum. Though I suppose these movies aren’t famous for their writing.

Anyways here’s some dumb shit:

Character Corner

Let’s mix it up this week and give you some of the characters I’ve developed over the years. Can’t be giving away my big ideas every week. I have voices associated with all of these but that’s more effort than this blog allows. So here’s their basic character histories:

Bonaventure Cummingsly - An all time favorite of mine. Bonaventure is an early 20th century shipping merchant with a checkered past and a rampant history of labor violations. And yes, the checkered past does not include the labor violations. Of course back then labor violations were not violations. It was just considered normal practice to throw burnt out employees in the trash. Guy is a real douche too. He uses opera glasses as his everyday glasses.

Eddie, the EMT who specializes in emotional pain - Eddie is an empath. He can be a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, or a listening ear. You call Eddie in when you experience an emotional emergency. Maybe a pet dies. Or your SO breaks up with you. Or one of your dick friends schedules their wedding during the first weekend of March Madness. He’ll come to you, lights blaring, ready to give you as much hot cocoa as you can drink. Now if at any point during Eddie’s visit a medical emergency should befall you, then you are FUCKED. Eddie has ZERO medical training. Great hugger though.

Nigel Bugaroo - Eccentric Aussie frontiersman now living in a studio apartment in Brooklyn where he keeps highly venomous snakes as house pets. Puts em on a leash and everything. He’s essentially Urban Steve Irwin. Not my best character, I grant you.

Chip McAllister - Just a God-fearing Christian from beautiful Abilene who always has an American flag cowboy hat on his head and a guitar in tow. Chip travels around across the great state of Texas, singing to high school students about the dangers of drugs with songs that seem to vaguely glorify drugs. He later sells them drugs. Pretty decent racket.

Sad life snippets

• I was on the Stairmaster the other day trying to get a reading on my heart rate through that built in pulse reader thing, but my hands were so sweaty it just couldn’t find my pulse. I think I short-circuited it.

• Was once sitting in one of those nice sections of Fenway where you can order drinks online and have them brought to your seat. Figured it would take a while so I ordered 5 drinks at once. People thought I was crazy, but which one of us had vodka lemonades long after they stopped selling booze in the 7th.

• I went to get a massage at Sweaty Mike’s Rub Joint in Mattapan. I actually went to a nice place. That’s just where I told my mom I was going when she nervously inquired. That will teach her to care about my well-being! Anyways, I go into the place and ask the lady to focus predominantly on my back and shoulders. For context, I have an aggressively muscular back. Not bragging, I’m in dogshit shape overall. But for whatever reason, my back and arms are crazy strong. She starts massaging my upper back and tells me to relax. I was pretty relaxed already but sink further into the table. She keeps insisting I’m nervous or fighting her even though I had let my muscles go fully limp. Eventually she realizes my back muscles are just so dense and tight that it’s impossible for her to make any headway on them. I literally stumped a masseuse.

• Speaking of muscles, I do boxing classes twice a week. I get there 15 minutes early deliberately so I can get a really thorough full body stretch in. Despite this, I can guarantee you that one of my muscles will be in massive discomfort within 2 rounds. I’ve gotten good at predicting it too. Was right hip on Wednesday.

• I said “I’m ready to rock” to a guy on LinkedIn twice in one message. Never said that phrase before in my life.

• When I was 18, my girlfriend at the time had me drive to a Dunks equidistant to our houses and get in her car like we were doing a low-level drug deal. She then proceeded to hand me a beanie she had crocheted for me despite me never having worn a beanie once in the time that I knew her. I want to say it was my birthday gift because this exchange happened around March. Following this ceremonial handoff, she proceeded to break up with me. In a Dunks parking lot. With only a crocheted beanie to remember her by. Ahh to be young and in love again. God I miss her.

  She actually reached out on Insta to compliment the blog and gave me permission to post this story. It’s all water under the bridge now obviously, though she did kind of ruin that Dunks for me. And if you think I’m making this up:

Thoughts that keep me up at night

• I get wicked annoyed at people who have allergies or food aversions that cause me to change what I’m cooking. Like I fully understand it’s not their fault and I’m being irrational, but it still bothers me.

• What the hell happened to LMFAO?

• Not a huge rice pilaf guy, but I had it the other day for the first time in a while. As I’m eating it I thought to myself, “what in the fuck is pilaf?” Does anyone know? I get the rice part, but what are the pilafs? Someone please comment if you know the answer to this.

• I’ve watched the first couple eps of that new HBO show The Last of Us where fungus basically turns the whole world into zombies somehow. Decent show, but it made me come to a startling realization: I’m kind of rooting for the apocalypse. Not like a nuclear thing where a billion people die, but like a minor apocalypse that leads to the downfall of mainstream society. Why would I root for such a thing? Because I would THRIVE in that world. I’m a great cook, can sleep anywhere, and no society means no jobs. No taxes, no money of any kind. All exchanges of goods would be bartered and I can talk with the best of ‘em. Would be fleecing people out of their canned goods and blankets left and right.

Have a dope ass weekend everyone! One serious comment before you go. I love writing these blogs so much and appreciate all of you who read them and send me nice notes more than you could ever know. If you find a particular blog funny and have a friend/family member who you think would also get some joy from it, please send it along to them. I want as many people to be able to laugh with/at me as possible. Thank you guys, it’s truly my pleasure. Now a Family Guy clip re: my pilaf comment to start your week off with a laugh, assuming this blog failed one.