I’ve been helping people move for the past two days and never want to see cardboard or a bed frame again. How no one has invented a more automated moving process is beyond me. Have one of Bezos’ drones carry my shit through the wall idc.

Alright here are my dumbass daily shenanigans.

Sad life snippets

• One of the people I was helping move was my girlfriend (take that high school bullies/dad), and I chose the task of folding her laundry cause A) I’m kind of a simp bitch and B) I only like tasks that can be done while sitting. Anyways, I’ve never folded girl laundry and I just straight up didn’t know what half the shit was. It’s all way smaller and made of different materials so it was hard to identify at first glance. Kept folding everything into triangles out of pure confusion.

• I was writing some email copy for my job, people forget I have a real job, and Outlook just continually squiggly lined grammatically correct phrases and gave me the stupidest fucking suggestions. I wrote some statistic like “1.74 million people resigned from their jobs last year” and it flagged it with the suggestion that I add: “about 3/4 of the population of Delaware.” What is that adding to the discourse Outlook? Do I really need a qualifier to hammer home that 1.74 MILLION is a large number of people? Get it together Gates.

• Was lying in bed with my girlfriend the other day (bullies/dad take note). We were on our sides facing each other and while she was yammering on about whatever I was holding my phone behind her head conducting a fantasy football mock draft. Also wrote this note in my phone while I was back there cause I realized in the moment that it was funny. She fully knew what I was doing btw, she’s no fool. She is dating one though. And yes, she’s too good for me.

• Was fairly buzzed at a bar the other week and went up to order a beer. Guy sitting at the bar was blind and had his cane folded in half hanging on one of the coat hooks below the bar. My stumbling ass then proceeded to drill it with my knee and knock it over. Guy still probably had an easier time getting home than me. (I picked it up).

• I know the guy is full of shit (possibly literally), but I’m obsessed with watching Liver King content at the moment. Dude is just a spectacle and it’s wicked funny to see him crushing raw organs like it’s normal people food. Anyways, I was watching these videos and I realized that my liver would definitely taste delicious. Shit is just teeming in booze and bacon grease. It’s like those geese they pump full of fat to produce better foie gras.

• Crushed some McDonalds at 1AM as my last meal before fasting for a blood test. Definitely didn’t fast for long enough and have to think that Big Mac skewed the results a touch. Cue my mom calling me angrily in 3, 2…

• Went to a restaurant with my family recently and some lady at the table next to us asked me what I had ordered as she didn’t see it on the menu and it looked good. It was fucking tacos so I’m not sure how she couldn’t figure that one out, but the larger point is that I’m a trendsetter when it comes to ordering at restaurants. It’s like how when you walk by a Chinese restaurant and you see actual Chinese people eating in there then you know its legit. You see a big boy order something, you know he’s giving you a good rec.

• Got some weird rash by both armpits and wasn’t able to get a doc appointment for a few days. Wanting to start treating the problem and see if I could resolve it myself, I dragged out my various creams from the miscellaneous pile of medical shit I keep under my sink. I didn’t know if it was a fungal thing or like an allergic reaction to deodorant so, ever the marketer, I decided to run an A/B test on myself. Right side got the anti-fungal cream, left side got the hydrocortisone. After visiting the doctor, anti-fungals won the day. Unsurprising, given my ongoing war with humidity.

• Speaking of creams, I was brushing my teeth the other night and reached for the tube of toothpaste which I always have on the right side of my sink. Unfortunately, as a result of my rash, I ALSO had a very similar looking tube of hydrocortisone on the right side of my sink with the label facing down. Because I don’t pay attention in general I grabbed a tube without really looking and applied the white gel to my toothbrush. I think you can guess the rest. Should I have been tipped off that the tubes were entirely different colors? Maybe. But that’s what makes me, me. Sidenote, I quickly noticed my error because Hydrocortisone isn’t mint flavored for some reason, but when I went to grab the actual toothpaste I swatted it with my hand into the toilet. So I’m bumming off my roommates now. Ironically, the toothpaste did a pretty good job on my rash.

I swear I’m not making these things up. They should put the Benny Hill theme music as the general backing track for my life. Have a great LONG weekend folks! BC football kicks off tomorrow, that should be fun for 20 minutes. Peace, love, Liver y’all.