My gf is out of town this weekend and it’s going to be shitty and rainy both days, so I may just watch 25 hours of football. I’m literally gonna be fused to my couch. Might make a time lapse video of wing bones slowly stacking up in front of me — it’s going to be glorious. Alright, here’s my stupid life.

Sad life snippets

• Was checking in with the maitre d’ at a restaurant the other week for a family dinner. The lady had our res confused with another one under the same name and said, “5 people total, 2 kids right?” and I instinctively responded yes because I still view myself as a child.

• Had to go into my office for an event a while back and brought my backpack which also doubles as my gym bag. While I removed my boxing gloves and wraps, I neglected to sanitize the bag so I had to zip it up mere seconds after opening it to avoid poisoning the air.

• Was going for one of my famous night walks where I realize at 11PM that I’ve only gotten like 600 steps in the whole day and frantically try to bump up that number. Anyways I’m walking past this 20-something year old dude and decide to Eurostep him for no reason. Kid was shook.

• I recently researched and then purchased a tub of fungal cream because I get athletes foot that often.

• Was walking in a shittier part of town and saw a homeless guy’s tent. Now when I say tent, I don’t mean a slapped together structure using a spare blanket and a stick. I’m talking about a legit, high-grade family camping tent. So it begs the question: where are homeless people getting all these tents? When you give them change are they just saving up for tents? Is there a hierarchy among them — like do homeless guys in smaller tents get jealous of the guys in bigger ones? I assume people donate the tents but are they just giving them the tent and walking away like they did something? Like congrats on living slightly less outside, I’ve done my good deed for the year. That’s almost more insulting than doing nothing.

• Was at the BC game a few weeks back and a guy trying to get past in the aisle said, “Excuse me big fella” and it really hurt my feelings.

• Speaking of which, I made a joke about me being overweight the other day and didn’t really get any pushback or “stop, no you’re not” comments so that was a wakeup call.

• My girlfriend is afraid she’s going to lose me to football and she is perfectly justified in that worry. I truly don’t desire to do anything on the weekend but watch football and eat wings. I love it so much.

• There was a day last week where I worked out of my bathtub for like 3 hours. Was actually surprisingly productive in there. Putting my camera on during a Zoom probably wasn’t the best choice though… (I’m kidding about the last part but I do work in the bath a lot).

• I consider myself to be a smart guy but I can’t for the life of me follow the plots of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. It feels like the movies always pick up right in the middle of some big quest and we’re just supposed to catch up. Which is fine but they also have all these mythological curses or pirate codes and shit that they seem to just assume are common knowledge. Like they address them at some point, but they kind of skim through it. Good films though — got me really into Pirates shanties.

• Went for a run for the first time in literally 5 years, but picked the hottest day of summer to do it. Fast forward a half hour and I had gone 2 miles while cramping severely. Anyways, later that day I told my dad I went for a run and he was legitimately stunned. Maybe the first time he’s ever been at a loss for words. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

• There has been a singular fruit fly or some equally annoying flying insect in my bathroom for weeks now and it’s starting to piss me off. And before you say “just kill it,” I HAVE. Several times. There’s either a really slow developing colony in their somewhere or I’m dealing with a Hindu fly who keeps drawing the reincarnation short straw. The craziest thing is it’s always just one bug. Never seen more than one in there at a time. Maybe it haunts the bathroom?

You didn’t hear this from me, but I’m weirdly relieved to not have a tailgate tomorrow. Stressful as hell planning those. Might just take a nap rn. You know what, that’s what I’m gonna do. Sweet dreams gang.