My productivity falls off a cliff when I’m in Florida. Why do I live up north? Cold as shit. Anyways, here’s some shit that happened to me recently:

Sad life snippets

• Had the norovirus that was going around about a month back and, in my feverish desperation, went to Google to search for treatment from the MDs of Reddit. My brain was working at about 10% so my Google search ended up just being “tummy hurts”

• Was going golfing with my fam and realized I didn’t have a golf polo down here. Asked my dad for one of his and he said, “Here take this one, it’s an oversized one.” Congrats on your weight loss Pops — just means I have a bigger advantage when we inevitably come to blows over comments like that

• Forgot my hairbrush in my travel bag so I’ve just been using a back scratcher, which somehow did make it into my travel medicine bag, as a comb

• My brain is so warped by sports that I can’t even fathom other things exist anymore. For instance, I saw someone wearing a Levi’s shirt. Pretty well-known, easily recognizable brand? My dumbass thought it was referring to Titans QB Will Levis.

• Was at the airport at like 6AM and some 3-year-old with his parents was just singing nonsense songs. As we were boarding he sings, “We’re walking on an airplane like FART, FART, FART,” and I died laughing. Still 8-years-old upstairs.

• The other day I spelled the word ‘write’ incorrectly twice. Once I used ‘right’ and the second time I wrote ‘rite’ like a religious act or first half of a pharmaceutical chain. My job title is literally copywriter.

• Was walking into my parents house and saw a big dude in the slider glass and jumped back scared. It was me. I was looking at my own reflection. Probably need to make some lifestyle changes.

• We have a cleaner come to our apt once a month to make us seem more like grown adults. She doesn’t really speak English so when she needs to tell me something she kind of just gestures. This time, she hands me a bottle of tylenol she brought and makes an opening motion with her hand. I go to turn it but realize it’s tough for me to grip with my broken finger. Regardless, I forcefully grip the thing and twist it open, risking a re-break just so I don’t look like a bitch.

• Was going to my girlfriend’s apartment to make dinner for her one night, but knew the meal I had planned would take about an hour. I was running late and had to get out the door, but really had a hankering for pre-dinner cereal. Make a long-story short I wrote on the subway with a large box of Cornflakes noticeably protruding from a target bag.

• Had my first “I’ve made it” moment as a Bostonian. Was wandering around the North End in a tee shirt and shorts on a 45-degree day, rocking a Sox hat and drinking an iced Dunkin. Some woman bypasses several other people on the street to approach me specifically and ask for directions. I’ve never been more proud.

What a week! Enjoy the weekend. Hopefully it’s not rainy and earthquaky where you are haha. *holds finger to ear* Wait, what?