Wait I haven’t written one of these in 2 months — the hell have I been doing? Seriously, does anyone know what I’ve been doing? I’ve lost track of a lot of time this summer and I’m scared. Seems like the memory blackouts are becoming more frequent as my mind continues to slip further and further away and I descend into madness.

Anyways here’s some weird shit that happened to me the last few months:

Sad life snippets

• I was trying to catch up on the Karen Read saga (wow it has been a long time since this blog), and I found like a 6-part blog about it. Not wanting to bother my girlfriend with the phone light or wake my roommates by going to the living room, I just posted up in my bathroom for two hours eating chips and salsa and reading like 50,000 words on the subject.

• Went to a hand ortho specialist at MGH because the finger I broke in February is still bugging me. Not only has the bone not healed and apparently never will, the doctor left this note in my after visit summary:

• Fuck you mean well-nourished?! Of course I’m nourished, this is Boston not Eritrea. If you want to call me fat there is a medical word for it dick. Just say I’m obese straight up or stfu nerd.

• The ol’ ball n’ chain was getting a medical procedure done at the same time I was getting my finger looked at so I went to go support her and score boyfriend brownie points. Unfortunately, I blew all of those points when on the way out, I snuck into a rather spacious revolving door just before it closed, leaving her behind. She was mad but c’mon it’s not like I didn’t hold an elevator door for her. Plus it was an eye procedure it’s not like she was immobile — she could still see out of the good eye! Drama queen am I right?

• Was eating out at a Mexican joint and put my napkin in my shirt like a lobster bib while eating the chips because restaurants always have really watery salsa. Still spilled on my shirt.

• There’s a lot of talk of girl math on the Internet streets these days, but I’m a firm practitioner of boy math. For example, I don’t really view a losing bet as money lost because I didn’t physically give anybody money. It was all just pretend Internet money. In the same vein, I’ve made several purchases recently that I justified by using the Shop deferred payments. I didn’t spend $200 on an Xbox. I spent $50/month for the next four months. That’s nothing! It’s essentially a free Xbox.

• I was taking a walk through a particularly homeless part of Boston and saw a dude wheeling a shopping cart around with his belongings. This wasn’t particularly notable until I realized the guy was dressed almost identically to me with neater hair. May need to put more of an effort into my wardrobe/appearance.

• Think I mentioned this before but I donated money to a random church in Ohio, (with no vetting at all, could be ISIS for all I know), because it was the preferred charity of New England Patriots kicker Chad Ryland. Why him specifically, you ask? Because he was so bad last year that his misses cost us multiple games, which allowed us to select my beautiful boy Drake Maye who is hopefully our QB of the future. Problem is they keep sending me letters:

• I was running a 102 fever a few weeks back and had to do a call to the bullpen for a new blanket because I had sweated right through my comforter. How sweaty was it? It easily could have been rung out.

• Last time I played golf it was humid and had just rained so the bugs were out in full force. Every tee box I would get swarmed with gnats, yet everyone else in my party remained untouched. My leading theories are that gnats are attracted to either my cologne, my sweat, or just think I’m imminently dying.

• I ran my wallet through the wash and didn’t notice it was missing for three days. As I always check for my phone and wallet before going out, that means that I neither left the house nor removed my laundry from the dryer in half a week.

Riding the Pan-Mass Challenge this Sunday to benefit cancer research. If you want to contribute, I’m $70 short of my fundraising goal. And if you don’t, I’m going to be suspicious that you’re either pro or at least neutral cancer. Donate here.

Thanks gang, have a great weekend!