If you’ve read this blog for a while, then you’re well aware of my hatred for PETA. Not because I dislike animals, but because PETA goes about expressing their beliefs in the weirdest fucking ways imaginable. Here’s their latest shenanigans:

First off, while I don’t profess to know the full intricacies of goat husbandry, I’m pretty sure farmers aren’t just yanking the fur off goats by the handful. I would think the word “shearing” implies that shears or an electric razor are being used. The PETA method just isn’t practical from an operational standpoint. We’re looking at about an hour of work per goat. That’s extreme inefficiency and the cashmere industry waits for no man (goat).

Secondly, if this made up issue is something you wish to protest, then pass out a pamphlet. Promote humane farming practices. Hire Sarah McLaughlin to depress me into giving her 15 cents so she doesn’t shoot a stray goat in the face. Do NOT lie on a table screaming while a dude pretends to shear you.

And if you’re going to go the table screaming route, at least fucking commit to it. The screaming just wasn’t believable at all. I need to hear the hopelessness, the unending despair of this guy pulling cotton balls from your SKIMS flesh tone underwear.

Oh that’s another thing, these protests would have a lot more visual impact if you were actually experiencing the pain of these goats. Seems like you only want to defend the animals if you don’t also get hurt in the process. How about this: superglue a bunch of cotton to your body and have people take turns ripping it off you. Then I’ll consider the plight of the goat.

Finally, put a little effort into the costume. The current look screams either drunk LA Rams fan or weird human-animal hybrid in some Narnia-esque movie that is strangely hot.

Per usual this little stunt did little more than make me want to buy a cashmere sweater and/or eat goat, which I weirdly had in my fridge and later turned into a curry for dinner. Did it make me really sick for a few hours? Yes. But I’m glad I stood by my principles.

PETA stays the worst. Also…would.