Ah soccer. The beautiful game. The sport that literally everyone played as a kid, but like 5% of us watch as adults.

Soccer presents a difficult challenge for us Americans. On the one hand, we have the population and resources to be absolutely filthy at it. Sure, we got started in the game much later than the likes of England. But unlike them, we have regular sunlight and a diet that isn’t composed entirely of stews.

On the other hand, we have more variety in career choice than they do. In England, you’re either a footballer or a wisecracking butler for spoiled Americans. That’s pretty much it. Here, our athletes have their pick of baseball, football (the real one), hockey, basketball, and even golf. And unless you’re a top-tier player, all of those sports pay more than footie.

They also come with more acclaim in America. I would much rather hang out with a mediocre golfer than an elite MLS player. Notah Begay III’s name carries much more weight than some midfielder for Sporting Kansas City.

So yes, I understand why our top athletes don’t play soccer, and why it’s not as popular here. If you have even an ounce of muscle on you, you’re picking a different sport.

However, given our status as international bad boys and all around global athletic powerhouse, there’s really no excuse for us to not dominate soccer. Also it would be objectively funny if we beat the rest of the world at the one sport they have a huge advantage over us in. Leave them with nothing but their warm beer and weird top of the head only Peaky Blinders haircuts.

That was my hope as I sat down earlier today to watch the US’ opening World Cup match against Wales. And I had some reason to have hope. US Soccer fans are cautiously optimistic about this team. I don’t think anyone has us winning the whole thing or even making the semis, but it would nice to build on the progress of the 2014 team. Hell, we’ve already built on the progress of the 2018 team who didn’t qualify for the World Cup after a hard fought loss to a historically dominant team from Trinidad & Tobago.

Plus, Wales? They’re barely their own country. They only have a population of 3.1 million, about 500K less than Connecticut. You’re telling me the best soccer players this country has to offer are going to lose to Connecticut? No, no chance.

Well we didn’t lose the match, but we also didn’t win. A late PK goal by man bun pioneer and all-around handsome guy Gareth Bale resulted in a 1-1 tie for the US. It was a game we could have and should have won. But we played too conservative in the second half, abandoned our game plan, and it cost us. And though a tie is a fine result in round robin play, we’re America dammit. Did we tie World War II? Did we shake hands with the Germans and call things even? Did we dap up Japan and say good game out there boys, no hard feelings? No! We nuked one and hunted down/executed everyone from the other. Nuremberg Trials bitch!

Sidenote: This is the second time I’ve brought up the Nazis in an unrelated Fatty Liver blog. Love dunking on those losers.

So no, a tie is not going to cut it. Overall, I give us an F for F-Fort. However, I do genuinely love both soccer and America, so I can’t just abandon ship here. Despite what my friends Florist and Covo will say (I’ve long since forgotten any of my friends first names. Not sure they ever had real names at this point), I know footie. Just because they “actually played the game” and “watch it regularly” and “understand the rules” doesn’t mean they’re more qualified to analyze the beautiful game than me. So to spite them and serve my country without actually serving my country, I’m proposing a few ways to fix US soccer/the game as a whole and engage a fanbase that may actually pay attention now that Ted Lasso is a thing. Let’s dive in:

1: Don’t be afraid to “have a go”

For all of you footie newbies, having a go refers to ripping a shot from far out just to test the goalkeeper. If you’ve ever watched soccer, it’s very rare that a guy will just bullet a shot from way outside the box. Why? Because it’s a very low percentage shot. You either miss the net, get the ball cleared out by a defender, or give the goalie enough time to make the save. This approach likely won’t give us a better chance at winning soccer games. What it will do is GET THE PEOPLE GOING.

We Americans don’t have the patience for a strategic, methodical game like soccer. We can appreciate the beauty of a good through ball or back heel pass, but it doesn’t get the blood flowing below the belt if you understand my meaning (boners). We need quick strikes, fast pace, and thunderous shots. Even if you miss, it shows that you’re at least trying to go for goal instead of just passing it around the box like assholes. But if by some miracle you you make it… the place will erupt. Take two examples, one real and one from Ted Lasso.

Real:

That’s former Dutch captain Giovanni Van Bronckhorst in the 2010 World Cup. While his teammates are kicking the ball back and forth like idiots playing the worst game of hot potato ever, the Captain decided enough was enough and just had a go. And look at the result. A fucking missile into the top corner of the net that elates the crowd, deflates the opponent, and gets his team ahead.

Ted Lasso:

Jamie Tartt do do da do do do, Jamie Tartt do do da do do do, Jamie Tartt! This is a (fake) guy who was a dick to his (fake) teammates, then earned their respect back by being a team player. But in this instance, his (also fabricated) coaches tell him to use his talent and have a fucking go. And wouldn’t you know it, he (still not real) scores. Don’t be afraid to have a go America.

2: Make everyone play by US rules

What’s the main problem with soccer? The rules are British and therefore stupid and confusing. The ONLY cool thing they’ve managed to come up with is the top teams getting promoted to a higher division and the bottom ones getting demoted to a lower division. I would say we should implement that in the US, but then the Cleveland Browns would be playing high school football.

But besides that, everything is dumb. So I’m proposing we take a few rules from the various American sports and apply them to footie. Rules such as:

• No ties - I already went into this a bit, but ties are the stupidest fucking thing on earth. Yes, I know you can technically tie in the NFL, but it’s far less frequent and I don’t agree with that either. In soccer, ties are a regular occurrence and everyone is sort of just fine with it. Well not on my watch. I propose that if a game is tied after 90 minutes, the teams adopt a modified version of the NHL overtime model. Each team gets 5 players on the field + the goalie. You have 10 minutes with a shit ton of open space. First goal wins. Always golden goal. The current system takes the excitement out of it. If that doesn’t settle it, you go straight to PK’s. Award a point to the losing team and 3 to the winning team. Same basic idea as hockey.

• Any goal scored from midfield or beyond counts as 2 - While the Brazilians and Brits try all this fancy footwork and actual skill, we’re going to be a team built on pure power. You rip a goal from half, shit counts double. Incentivizes good shooters the same way basketball does.

• Every major European club has to have at least one American on the roster - So the NFL has the International Player Pathway program, which gives non-US born players the opportunity to play in the NFL. The players get assigned to a team and don’t count against their roster cap so teams are incentivized to keep them around. It’s the NFL’s way of trying to grow the sport and pretend they’re not racist. Anyways, this program would essentially be the opposite. All the dominant international clubs (Real Madrid, Man City, Juventus, etc) will be required to have an American on their team. It gets our guys exposure to better competition, and doesn’t cost the club anything as their salary will be covered by the US government.

By Americanizing the sport, we make our guys more comfortable, make the sport more approachable to your average American athlete, and slightly rig things in our favor.

3: Physically attack players who fake injuries

This is a condemnation of the sport in general, as the US is as guilty of it as anyone, but I think we could set the trend here. It’s no secret that soccer players are enormous pussies. Yes, when you have top-tier athletes sprinting at 18 MPH and getting their legs tangled up, injuries can happen. And those injuries should be treated seriously by a medical professional.

What I’m talking about is the other 98% percent of the time where they roll around on the ground like they’re playing the role of “man who just got kneecapped” in a freshman year drama class.

I guarantee you that guy ^, at worst, got his foot stepped on. Yet he’s flopping around like someone who just took a nail gun to the shin. Yeah, it probably doesn’t feel great to get slide tackled, but you don’t need 20 minutes of theatrics. Just get up and play. Or if you’re really hurt, come out of the game. Being a toddler on the turf is not an option.

They also occasionally go down with a strained muscle or something. Now if they’re doing that purely because they’re gassed and just want a breather, respect. I’ve done it many times and can’t judge. But if they legitimately tweaked a muscle, then you shouldn’t be playing this sport. Your entire job is to run around and be in aggressively good shape. You shouldn’t be tweaking muscles from running. I don’t tweak muscles when I work out and I’m in awful shape. Stretch out for 5 seconds and you’ll be fine.

Anyways, soccer has tried to combat their rampant flopping epidemic by giving out cards for diving, but as far as I can tell, it’s not working. So as always, I’ve been forced to come up with a real solution. Here’s what I’m thinking:

FIFA hires an objective medical professional to be present on the sideline for each game. Each team is still allowed their own training staffs, but this person is completely unaffiliated with either side.

When someone goes down and rolls around with a face resembling that of a woman in the midst of childbirth, this doctor comes out. He asks where the pain is. The player answers. For our purposes, we’ll say it’s his left shin.

The doctor will then examine the area. If the pain is legitimate, a fracture, break, or even severe contusion, the doctor will flag down the trainers and have them help the player off the field.

If the doctor determines that the player is being a pussy to either draw a foul or kill time, then he will give a signal, at which point the other team is free to come over and kick the shit out of him until he gets back on his feet. It just cuts down on stoppage time, keeps the game moving, and makes Americans have more respect for this sport.

There’s a reason we love the NFL and constantly bitch about the NBA. One league is full of badass dudes who will go to dangerous lengths to stay on the field. The other is a bunch of prima donnas who collapse on the court to draw a foul every 10 seconds. We need futbol to be more like football.

That’s it. Team USA, since I know you’re reading this, just remember: we’re all rooting for you. Please stop being terrible all the time and tying countries that we would beat in a war inside a week. Play hard, don’t be afraid to have a go, and don’t flop like a bitch. Go USA, beat England (again).