And we’re back! Sorry for not including this blog last week and posting this one a bit late. Didn’t think “Getting Fired!” really played as a topic for a blog about things I love. I meant to post this first thing Monday, but I also meant to workout and not take a nap so long that it was less of a nap and more of a poor night’s sleep, so what can you do?

Anyways, I’m refreshed from sleeping for 20 of the past 24 hours and ready to start things anew this week. For those of you new Fatties, this is a weekly blog where I share one thing I’m grateful for this week in the crazy mystery we call life. This week’s winner:

Sports Dogs!

Am I pandering because I love sports and everyone else on earth loves dogs? Maybe. Is this going to be an enjoyable read? Definitely.

This idea came about when I saw this on Thursday while hemorrhaging money I don’t have on terrible college football games:

Dogs have been used throughout history to carry out various tasks for humans. Bloodhounds are great for hunting and sounding significantly scarier than they look. Retrievers are so-named because of their ability to fetch the wounded or dead prey of hunters. They are also the default image you picture when you think of a dog. And Dalmatians look really good in fireman hats and apparently have no issue with smoke inhalation.

Dogs are versatile, highly intelligent and useful creatures. And they’re the best companion anyone could ask for. But all that being said… Ripken the tee retriever is the most well-utilized dog I’ve ever seen.

What would you rather see?

1. Some scrawny college kicker who just shanked a kickoff out of bounds at the 20 pick up his own tee and sheepishly jog back to the bench, where he and the punter will talk about girls that laughed at them when they said they’re on the football team.

2. OR a very cute pup in his little harness sprint so hard to get the tee that he overshoots it before bringing it back in record time.

I know which one I prefer. Ripken isn’t even the only sports retrieval dog. There’s this guy who handles bat retrieval duties for minor league baseball teams.

Not to be dog-ist, but that’s the same dog right? I know they have different names, but they have to be related at the very least right? Like is this one specific familial line of sports retrieval dogs? Does their lineage extend back to the early days of the Roman Empire? Were they used to retrieve the decapitated heads of fallen gladiators to the delight of the bloodthirsty onlookers? And how do they decide who gets to do what? Is the kicking tee like the apprentice period before they’re strong enough to pick up bats and coolers? So many questions.

Anyways, I think we can all agree that getting dogs more involved in sports is a GREAT thing. Even if they don’t do anything but look cute and fire up the people. As such, here are my top 5 dog mascots in sports. You’re welcome.

5. Smokey X - University of Tennessee

Don’t fully understand why the Tennessee Volunteers have a dog mascot, but hell I’m not complaining. Good energy, winning smile. A worthy mascot for one of the top football teams in the land.

4. Reveille X - Texas A&M

Elegant. Regal. Refined. These are words that come to mind when I see young Reveille here. Really classes the joint up and distracts from Texas A&M being culty weirdos.

3. Dubs II - University of Washington

Yeah I went with a puppy pic. You going to complain? The little bandana just makes a good boy even good-er.

2. Butler Blue IV - Butler University

Pretty sure this little guy is pushing 80 lbs by now, but how could I not go with the pics from his initial reveal. Look at those eyes. I want to personally shield them from seeing any of the ills of the world. Butler must stay pure. Also bonus points for being a basketball dog. You don’t see that too often

1. Uga X - University of Georgia

The undisputed GOAT. Got a little doghouse on the sideline and everything. Best name of any dog mascot too. And love that he still rocks the jersey even in his old age (7). Uga doesn’t do corporate. He’ll be a true fan till the day he dies, which is hopefully significantly later than all of us. Also crazy that he’s literally the top dog on a campus that just witnessed a Natty Championship. Incredible.

Dishonorable mention - Rhett the Terrier: Boston University

Hate to end such a positive blog on such a sour note, but I need to show you that I’m objective in my evaluation of dog mascots. Just a mean, mangy dog that undoubtedly is behind on his shots and likely gives out rabies like they’re candy. Rhett is pictured above trying to gain new recruits to join an unknown fascist cause. Just a true piece of shit.

That unfortunate footnote aside, go out and enjoy your week knowing how many good boys and girls are patrolling the sidelines of a football game near you!