My boys are hurting
Hey Fatties. Apologies for the lengthy absence. Not an excuse guy, but work has been crazy busy. Also have like 3 weeks of laundry I need to fold. Elbow kinda hurts too, might be carpal tunnel — could be out three to six. Not an excuse guy though.
No, the truth is a lot simpler: I needed a break. It can be demanding working for a recreational blog that makes no money of which I am the sole owner and contributor and which is under no obligation to post any time ever. That kind of pressure can get to a man.
But there’s nothing that could bring me out of my brief hiatus faster than seeing two of my boys hurting. I’m talking of course, about my close personal friends, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.
Both men were dealt some pretty crushing blows from their respective exes this week. First, from Tom’s ex-wife, Gisele:
Then this from Bill’s ex-longtime girlfriend, Linda Holliday:
At this stage in one’s life, you almost forget what it’s like to see your boys fresh off a breakup. Most of my friends are in long-term committed relationships and it’s been a while since one of them has been heartbroken.
From what I remember, the approach is to console them with a big hug, put your arm around him, and tell him that this is just a bump on the long road to happiness, he is better off for the experience, and that’ll he’ll be wiser and better prepared for his next relationship once he’s had time to properly grieve.
No wait, we usually just say, “that sucks, you good?” then leave a personal bottle of whiskey on his pillow.
Consoling your boy after a breakup often isn’t easy because it’s hard to get a read on them when THEY don’t even know what they’re feeling. Emotions are, as we all know, for children. So when they start rearing their ugly head, it can be tough to surpress them.
Like grieving, there are five stages to a male breakup:
Indifference
They’ll try to be tough about it, act like they don’t care, and move on suspiciously fast. It’s a facade. They’re hurting bad.
Getting back on the horse
They decide they gotta get back out there even while the wound is still fresh. In general, this usually means going to a local bar to find a rebound girl only to do 5 solo shots of well whiskey and get kicked out for puking on the dance floor while trying to Dougie to the wrong song.
Destructive hobby
“I’ve got all this free time and money” they think to themselves. “This is an opportunity to learn a new skill or get really into a hobby.” It’s gambling — they’re gonna gamble A LOT.
Getting really emo and weird
Known to every one of the breakup-ees’ friends as the “insufferable stage,” this is when your boy is going to be mopey and shitty to be around. This stage is often accompanied by unwarranted anger and just a terrible social media presence.
Acceptance
Finally, they’ve truly moved on. Your bro has accepted the relationship is over, is appreciative of the experience it provided him, and is ready to move on to a new chapte…oh wait nope he’s still just gambling. Ok this might be a separate issue, but that’s fine. We’re past the girl. One thing at a time.
My good friend Tom (Brady) is in stage four right now. As evidenced by whatever the hell this is:
Belichick isn’t really online, but past evidence tells us he’s least at step 2:
Point is, my boys are hurting, and it’s up to me as their longtime best friend to get them through it. So let’s spinzone these situations:
Belichick’s situation is easy. He’s got a gajillion dollars, gets to go on national television every week and chirp the team that fired him for being shitty, and is dating a 25-year-old who loves him for him. Women that age love a guy who was pushing 40 when the Berlin Wall went down. He’s a big boy and will be just fine. Also, they broke up a year ago and she’s still being tacky and passive aggressive — they don’t boo nobodies Bill.
Tommy is a little more complex. This isn’t just some casual 16-year fling like Belichick had with Linda. This is his ex-wife, the mother of (most of) his children, and a woman who cheated on him with a Jiu-Jitsu instructor who has now fathered his kids’ half-brother/daughter. But I’m up to the task.
Spinzone 1: Dudes can’t appreciate the majesty of nature?
I’m sorry, when did it become a crime to appreciate a sunrise/set? Kinda cool that a guy as well off as Tom is still super grounded and in touch with nature.
Spinzone 2: Doesn’t have to raise another kid
Dodged a bullet if you ask me. Imagine raising a newborn in your late 40s? Way too much work. Tommy can just kick back and enjoy hanging out with his kids as they reach more independent ages and require less supervision.
Spinzone 3: Handsome.
Gotta remember to look in the mirror once in a while if you’re Tom. Easy confidence boost. Peep the bank account while you’re at it.
Spinzone 4: Nowhere near the worst Patriots social media post
That crown belongs to one Danny Amendola who posted the following novel after his breakup with Olivia Culpo:
In summation, you got this boys. Breakups happen. Our billionaire supermodel ex-wives sometimes have kids with their Ju Jitsu instructors. Our long-time girlfriend dresses as a specific movie character implying she wants to murder you.
We’ve all been there. Stay off the socials and try to stay grounded remembering your millions of dollars and massive success. That always works for me.