So yesterday the roommates and I watched Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. Great film, super moving, and far too confusing to give me an existential crisis.

Afterwards, we’re looking up Oscar noms to formulate a prop bet on Best Costume Design, and stumble upon the unrelated Best Animated Film awards. Per usual, we assume Pixar will win with whatever they trot out there.

But as we’re discussing this, we realize it’s been a couple years since Pixar really put out a banger. Then my roommate drops a game changer on me.

He pulls up a trailer for Pixar’s upcoming film, Elemental.

Unsurprisingly, it’s about the four elements: fire, water, land, and air.

The premise alone lends itself to all sorts of wacky hijinks, like an air character taking a dump on a land character below, or a fire character lighting up a joint for an air character with its head. (Kids have to learn the realities of the world).

But two things really struck me about the trailer:

1. I want fire and water to hook up

2. I could totally rip this off

“But George, it’s Pixar! No one would ever dare rip them off.” Oh yeah? These two came out the same year:

I rest my case.

Watching the trailer for Elemental, I saw an opportunity to go deeper. Instead of talking about the 4 broad elements of life, I want to explore the elements that make up those elements. I want to take things down to a microscopic level. I’m talking about the literal atomic elements that comprise everything around us. So without further adieu, I give you my rough storyboard for Pixar’s Periodic. The story will be built out further once I secure $60,000,000 in funding.

PERIODIC

Plot summary: Periodic, Pixar’s latest attempt to make billions of dollars by anthropomorphizing the air, puts society under a literal microscope as it examines a day in the life of the citizens of Periodica. Home to the various elements that comprise the hidden world around us, Periodica’s peaceful existence is threatened when a collection of its most “elite” residents threaten to secede from the rest of the town forever. Join the most revered (and feared) elements on their journey to fight evil, find love, and put food on their periodic table.

Characters: Fair warning here, these character renderings were all generated by AI-imaging so most of them look like characters from Pixar’s Radiation Exposure. Having said that, I think they give you a good sense of the direction we’re going in.

Good Guys:

Hydrogen & Neon

More like HIGH-drogen am I right?! These two are the lovable idiot stoners. Fair warning, LOT of drug use in this movie for children.

Hydrogen is your classic pothead, hence why he’s literally built like a bowl. He’s so high that he has a second pupil forming on the right side of his eye.

Neon meanwhile prefers psychedelics, namely acid. This dude is a genius but is always too destracted by bright lights to focus for more than a few seconds. He comes from nobility, but rejected his prestigious background, choosing instead to live his life with the more basic elements.

Calcium

Calcium, whom AI has depicted as a tooth appearing in a Crest commercial as part of his Make-A-Wish, has ironically bad teeth but plenty of muscle.

Built like a bouncer at a nightclub for ghosts, Calcium is that scrawny kid you knew from high school who is somehow a pro bodybuilder now. He has a heart of gold (not literally, we’ll get to him), but can flip a switch and be the enforcer the group needs when called upon.

Boron

This guy was so well done that I’m now officially worried AI is going to kill us all.

Boron here only needs the first syllable of his name. He’s a BORE. Dude straight up sucks. Means really well, but he’s super annoying, scared of his own shadow, and constantly gassy *rimshot*. Having said all that, he’s intelligent beyond belief and will prove to be a valuable asset for our lovable band of misfits.

Bad Guys:

Gold & Silver

Gold is our principal bad guy. He’s a rich mining tycoon who appears to be some sort of lethal astronaut-cowboy hybrid. After losing his eye in a freak gas explosion, gold has become bitter and developed a hatred of the “lesser” residents of Periodica. As such, he’s decided to secede and form a separate community for the “elite” members of society, namely his fellow precious metals and all the noble gases, minus Neon.

Accompanying gold is his trusty horse Silver, who provides comedic relief via a series of well-timed nasal exhales. He is also apparently a practicing Hindu based on his forehead.

Krypton

Every supervillain has their bitch kiss-ass sidekick. That’s our guy Krypton here. Looking like Superman if Superman’s only power was to threaten people by mentioning his rich, highly litigious father, Krypton is pompous even by noble gas standards.

Though he does don Superman’s signature ‘S’ he is far from super and barely a man based on his apparent man-gina. Much of his purported wealth comes from his investments in Krypto which he will find a way to bring up in every fucking conversation. However with these investments faltering, Krypton turns to gold for financial support and does his bidding to pay off the debt. Guy is the absolute worst.

Potassium

Again, scary good job by AI here. Potassium is neither a noble gas nor precious metal, but is such a smug prick that he sneaks into the world of the elite anyways. He’s very condescending and arguably the worst texter alive. For example, you could text him a whole detailed itinerary of a big weekend trip you had taken the time to put together, and Potassium will just respond “K.”

Yes, I included this character just to make that joke and yes that is the single dumbest joke I’ve ever made.

Final thoughts: I should also add that next to nothing about these characters will teach kids anything about science. In fact, it will likely be mostly dangerous misinformation. All of my character names are based on bad puns and the entire world of Periodica is derived from the 4 things I remember from a remedial chemistry class I got a B- in. I refused to have any chemists on set because I didn’t want to hang around nerds for 4 months.

Also thematically, I’m pretty much just doing the snobs vs. slobs trope, with some vague Apartheid mixed in. Not exactly breaking new ground here.

And in terms of message, I’m more or less encouraging kids to ingest hydrogen and neon, while making gold and oranges seem bad. Periodic is going to inspire an entire generation of really poor, deathly ill, nutrient deficient kids. And as a filmmaker, that’s all I can ever hope to achieve.