Let me say this clearly in the first sentence before everyone freaks out on me: I LOVE animals. Always have. Love watching nature docs, listening to wildlife biologists, learning about different species, etc.

Animals are one of the most interesting, joyful parts of life and I do believe that, for the most part, we should leave them to live as nature intended. We should also do what we can to ensure the protection and continuation of endangered species.

My qualm is not with the animals themselves. It’s not even with animal activists as a whole. There are plenty of people acting on behalf of animals to pass legislation that protects them, or trying to bring endangered species back from the brink. This is great, noble, and necessary work.

No, my beef is with the annoying animal activists. You know, the ones who take things way too far, only care about getting attention, and just end up damaging the cause they claim to support.

Those types of people are the fucking WORST.

Not because of their overarching message of animal protection, but because of the insane, holier than thou ways they go about conveying their message.

Shit like tweeting a picture of a cat with its face split open down the middle to raise awareness of cat dissection or something? (Yes this is a real thing that happened). I’m not posting it here because I’m not a fucking psycho, but rest assured it was gruesome. I get they’re trying to shock people into action or whatever, but 1. Do way less and 2. Who the hell is pro-cat dissection?

Also how pervasive of a problem is this that they need to tweet about it? I don’t recall ever turning on the 6:00 news and hearing about a sadistic cat dissector on the loose in Brighton.

And then there was the time they tried to get everyone to use phrases that are less offensive to animals i.e. not using chicken to mean cowardly. It’s a fucking chicken! It doesn’t understand the English language. And even if it did, derogatory chicken speech would be the least of its concerns. There are entire restaurant chains devoted to frying it.

They also do things that are just outright illegal:

Nice, steal from a hardworking person in a dying industry already operating on razor thin margins. Good shit.

These are the people who always say some shit like, “Animals are the same as humans.” No they’re not - we pay taxes and shit indoors, we’re slightly higher on the food chain.

Anyways, the only reason these groups are even on my radar is because they keep interrupting sporting events. There were multiple incidents at the Timberwolves playoff game this summer:

First off, incredible response time by Timberwolves security. That’s being ready when your number is called. Secondly, how did this help animals exactly? As far as I can tell she isn’t wearing anything repping her org. There was exactly the same amount of thought put into this as a drunk guy who runs on a baseball field because he was dared to.

And there was this gem earlier in the yoffs:

This is the other thing with these psychos. They fucking suck at protesting. If you’re going to be annoying assholes, at least be good at it. What was the game plan here? Let’s say you somehow manage to get on the court, put your glue hand down, and wait the 15-30 seconds required for it to dry — what’s next? Pretty sure two grown men can overpower an adhesive you bought on Amazon for $1.89.

And let’s even say you have some industrial strength glue that will actually hold you to the floor for a while. Is everyone just going to be like, “well better give her a mic and hear what she has to say.” No! They’ll cut your hand off like a thief in a Biblical allegory and tase you in stadium prison.

Then finally, we have this from just the other night:

Let’s just break down this guy’s execution before anything else.

First off, most awkward running style I’ve ever seen.

Second, why do these people always look anemic and never seem like they have an ounce of muscle on their bodies. Isn’t there some food that can help with that? Oh wait…

Third, you went to the trouble to print your organization’s message/website in giant block letters on your t-shirt. Maybe don’t engulf yourself in a thick cloud of smoke so no one can read it.

Fourth and final, good hit by Wagner. If this was a kickoff, you may be looking at a blindside block, but I think they let you get away with that one.

Now the only reason I’m devoting time out of my day to this idiot is because I read this headline today:

You know, there’s an old saying I’m fond of that I think applies nicely here: “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”

You wanna trespass on an NFL field and run directly next to 300+ lbs athletic freaks who’s entire job (that you’re currently interrupting) is to hit people, then you have to know and accept that getting truck sticked is a possibility.

If I broke into someone’s house and tried to steal their shit and then they hit me in the head with a bat, I’m not going to sue them for battery. One, because I’d be dead. And two, because I had it coming! Such an enormous pussy move to claim assault after you did something stupid and reckless.

And back to my main point, HOW IS THIS HELPING ANIMALS? Who’s watching this at home being like, “My God honey, look. There’s a pasty asshole running around in a cloud of pink smoke. Throw that fried chicken in the bin, we’re going vegan!”

This is one of those issues where the vast majority of people are already on the same side as you.

Should we be testing chemical products on animals? No.

Should we be abusing pets or strays? No.

Should we be needlessly hunting big game or endangered species? No.

Should we have turtle races that you can bet on at bars? N…yes actually, that one is awesome.

Very few people are on the other side of these issues. Now do I eat meat? Yes, of course. You don’t get a fatty liver without some fat in your diet. But I eat normal, sustainable meats that presumably come from a farm. Would I eat Tiger meat if it was presented to me? Yes, of course. It sounds interesting and I want to see if the meat has stripes. Do I wear leather? No, but it’s not really a moral thing so much as it’s expensive and I can’t pull it off. But other than that, I try to be as pro-animal as I can in my daily life.

All that aside, the point is I’m contemplating starting the Alliance Against Annoying Animal Activists, or AAAAA to stop these morons and promote real animal activists. AAAAA is not to be confused with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), or AAA (Flat tire repair or something), or the letter A (versatile vowel). Join me and we can actually try to protect vulnerable animals instead of making a scene at the Super Bowl and doing nothing to help anything.