I Just Invented the Average Guy Amble™
Damn, one day into this blog and I’m already setting trends. Also sorry for the late post here. Turns out having multiple jobs, plus a fantasy draft, plus baking a chicken pot pie from scratch takes up a lot of time.
This invention started innocently enough, as I went for my morning walk. A fall breeze struck me as I walked out the door, which was my sign to get my first foamy pumpkin Starbucks bullshit of the year.
As I wandered about Faneuil, enjoying my cup of cinnamon-spiced estrogen and ruing the ensuing bathroom trip to come, I realized I was essentially doing a hot girl walk. Unfortunately, as the world so cruelly reminds me on a daily basis, I am neither hot nor a girl. Thus, the Average Guy Amble™ was born.
Immediately I knew I had stumbled onto something special, and rushed to post the photo below onto Snapchat to share my discovery with the *world, (*maybe 65 people), and get the validation I so desperately crave.
The response was whelming (neither under nor overwhelming):
I do typically give the name of a Greek god when I’m ordering at Starbucks. However, the guy at the register was way too nice and chill for me to drop “Hephaestus” on him.
Glad that I brightened up her day, but would have been nice if she disputed the average guy thing.
For those of you looking to capitalize on this revolutionary trend (can’t say I blame you), I’ve broken it down into a few simple steps:
Be average looking and/or a guy. Don’t sweat it, most of us are average to above average — embrace that shit. This also works for girls if you change the last word, but you’re all queens so the average can’t apply.
Put on literally the first clothes you can find. No matching spandex shit or Gucci…jumpsuits? (idk what hot girls wear). It should look like you got dressed in the dark. In my case, I literally did. For an example of what you should wear, I was rocking a Volo shirt to indicate that I meet the minimum medical requirements required to play intramural sports, basketball shorts cause they’re comfy af, a hat from a brewery in Maine I’ve been to once, and shades that I’m fairly certain I accidentally stole months ago.
Go outside. By far the hardest step of the entire process. Requires movement and there’s a lot of scary shit out there. Quicksand and snakes are just two of the many examples.
Take a walk. Get a coffee if you like. Smell a flower if you live somewhere with flowers and are a fucking weirdo. I recommend at least 30 mins. It gives you enough time to be unnoticed by a bunch of people or hurriedly rushed past by parents with young children.
That’s it! Give the Average Guy Amble™ or AGA™ a try today.