Ayyy, we back for part 3 recapping a vacation that happened two months ago and no one really cared about to begin with outside of my family. Does this blog deliver compelling content or what?

Why the full month-long layoff between blogs, you ask? Well it takes me a couple hours to make my family being fat in a foreign land sound interesting. Add on the fact that I have to transfer photos from my phone to my laptop and you have yourself a recipe for procrastination.

If you need a refresher on what this blog even is, here’s Part 1 and Part 2 of the series.

We now return to our trip to the most financially embattled country in the Mediterranean, having just wrapped up the first leg of our trip in Santorini. Next up: the wild island of Mykonos.

The trip starts by driving down the windiest mountain road possible to the Santorini ferry station. On the way, our driver pointed out this circled off area of water in the Mediterranean.

Turns out a cruise ship captain back in the day tried to play hero ball and get everyone a real close look at the shore line. Now anyone who has watched me gamble knows that one of my biggest pet peeves is some cocky 19-year-old punk trying to be a hero and jacking up a fadeaway three that even Steph would think twice about. As a result of these attempted heroics, there is now a multi-million dollar snorkeling site amongst a series of jagged rocks down there. Hero ball never works.

Anyways, we get down to the ferry station and are waiting with a bunch of Americans and Europeans who are from a shittier part of Europe. Now presumably when these people booked this ferry, they saw pictures of it. They also probably noticed it at literally any point they looked at the water during the duration of their stay in Santorini. And even if they didn’t, it’s not exactly the Great Pyramids of Giza. It’s a large ship. They exist in great abundance. However, that didn’t stop some of these idiots from taking pictures of the thing incessantly like assholes. So, ever the contrarian, I opted to take pictures of them taking pictures of the ship like Brad Pitt was about to stroll off.

Alright, I’ve immediately reached the point where I’m going to start bullet pointing. Like I said, these are very tedious to write.

We arrived in Mykonos for a quick two day trip. Here’s what unfolded:

• We arrive at the hotel and I immediately fall in love with every woman working there. Pretty sure my mom vaguely tried suggesting I ask one of them out because:

  • That definitely makes sense when I’m here for two days with my family and this woman works in an industry that requires her to pull night shifts. Also most great relationships start with both parties having a very loose to no understanding of the other’s language.

  • My mom definitely wouldn’t complain if I married this woman, had her grandchildren, and then took those grandchildren halfway across the world for years at a time. Just think Kath. Take the two seconds needed to think things through.

• As we’re going to the room, some woman who was staying at the hotel, said “Opa!” to us as if we were Greek natives and would relate to her saying the word you use when someone breaks a plate. Pretty sure she was hammered. Also does this look like someone who works for the fucking hotel? This is literally (now) someone who doesn’t work period:

Christ, I’ve gotten fat. Anyways…

• As you can see above, we wasted no time hitting the pool and ordering a litany of food and giant G&T’s because God forbid we take a fucking walk one time. Very pretty view and food in ‘ol Mykonos. Hell even the pigeons are regal:

• In-between states of day and night drunk, we went down to the main part of Mykonos to check out the sites. Again, aggressively pretty. Got these cool ass windmills that don’t seem to serve any practical purpose or even function as windmills.

• It was in Mykonos that I was first introduced to a behavior that would become all too common for the rest of the trip. My sister Katelyn insists on having “candid” photos taken of her in front of various backdrops. Which in and of itself is not a problem. It’s a nice way to commemorate a trip. And it’s also way more important to girls to have good photos. A wise man named Arizona Zervas once said, “All for the gram. Bitches love the gram.” Truly poetic.

  However, Katelyn, never one to disappoint her 221 Instagram followers, strives for perfection in every photo. So I end up having to take 500 fucking photos because “she looks gross” (her words) or “it’s too windy” as if I have a solution for weather. So eventually I got fed up and deliberately ruined what turned out to be the one picture she liked:

Christ I’ve gotten fat. Fire fit tho. Also fun fact, I’m the youngest of the three people in that picture.

• We ventured further into the heart of Mykonos to explore the shops. The whole area is essentially a giant labyrinth filled with shops and restaurants, and somehow always leads directly to a souvlaki stand.

• I was content to wander around and explore the area blind because it’s more fun and you don’t know what you’re going to find. My dad took a different approach:

• This fucking guy somehow acquired a map of what is essentially a 3 block area. Then, because it apparently wasn’t enough for him to cosplay as Magellan, he decides to flag down a waiter of a restaurant we weren’t going to and asks for directions to a place that was within arms reach. Honestly surprised he even uses GPS on road trips. Seems like more of a magnifying glass over the map kind of guy. There will be more roasting of Steve momentarily.

• My mom and sister went around to various shops because they don’t own enough shit already, so Ryan, my dad, and I went to go get blitzed at Salt Bae’s spot. The guy definitely has not let fame go to his head:

• After my sister rejected 3-4 restaurants options because “they don’t have anything good,” we finally settled on a place that does a modern twist on Greek. For the millionth time Greece, just cook your traditional shit. Regardless, the food actually was very good. Even this deconstructed Moussaka that bore a striking resemblance to a venomous lionfish.

• I wouldn’t normally bore you with talk of a dinner, but two interesting things of note happened at this one:

• First off, my mom is a lovely, kind woman. BUT…she struggles a bit with restaurants. I’m not sure she’s ever ordered a meal without first asking a million unnecessary qualifying questions about a dish she doesn’t end up ordering.

  “Quick question: is the sea bass actually chicken? No? Ok great, thanks. I’ll do a garden salad, no tomatoes, dressing on the outer rim of the plate.” It’s just one of Kath’s quirks.

  But beyond that, she also likes to point out any minor flaw with the dinnerware, cutlery, table cloth, etc. So now every time she issues a complaint, it tends to fall on deaf ears amongst the rest of us because she does it so often. Well in my dad’s case, he probably just wasn’t listening in general, but other than that she’s got a “mom who cried chipped plate” thing going on.

  However, for once she actually had a case. She pointed out that there was a spot of some sort of thick liquid on her seat and on the table. We assumed that the previous table had spilled something and the person who cleaned the table just missed it. Nope, turns out that in the tree above us (this restaurant was open air), there was a bird just firing away on us. So we got the table moved and Kath finally got vindicated for once. You can just barely see the culprit here:

• The SECOND noteworthy thing that happened at this dinner came courtesy of the owner of my other half of DNA, Stephen Chunias. We’re all enjoying our meals, having good conversation, discussing the value of the dollar, etc. I had a great pork dish which you can see on the left below.

  On the right, is where our controversy comes in. That’s some sort of deconstructed baklava dessert. We got it for the table, naturally. Now I’m a big boy and enjoy my sweets so I dove right in, as that was the dessert that was placed in front of me. I had no intentions of eating the entire plate. I was taking a few spoonfuls because I very much enjoyed it.

  Now my father Steve, no stranger to the ice cream aisle himself, sees this and all of a sudden decides to be captain chivalry, insisting that I save some for my mom.

  First off, even if I did finish the plate, part of that is on Kath. You have to know who you’re competing against here. Getting behind me for food is like giving Usain Bolt a 5-second head start in a sprint.

  Secondly, in general, it’s not a good idea to call me out as I’m quick-witted as hell and speak directly to an audience of 10s of people.

  It’s an especially bad idea when you’re calling out someone 30 years younger and 40 lbs heavier than you. Granted, I say that as if my 40 lbs advantage is rock solid muscle and not just excess thigh fat.

  And it’s a downright stupid idea when you’re saying this as you’re ALSO crushing the dessert.

  In summation Steve, don’t come at me like that. The pen is mightier than the sword, and I can beat your ass with both. (Thanks for paying for that dinner and the entire trip btw, love ya Pops!)

  DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS NOT A FAMILY FIGHT. MY DAD AND I HAVE NEVER FOUGHT OR WANTED TO FIGHT. I LOVE HIM DEARLY. GREAT FATHER. GREAT HUSBAND. UNBELIEVABLY HARD WORKER. COACHED MY LITTLE LEAGUE TEAMS AND SHIT. THE ABOVE EXCHANGE WAS LIKE THE THIRD TIME I’VE GOTTEN HIM TO BELLY LAUGH AT ONE OF MY JOKES IN MY LIFE. IT WAS A FUNNY MOMENT THAT MY OVERLY CAUTIOUS MOTHER IS AFRAID WILL BE INTERPRETED AS FAMILIAL DISCORD. WE ARE A LOVING FAMILY AND ENJOYED EACH OTHER’S COMPANY ON THIS VACATION. ALSO STEVE IS IN OBJECTIVELY BETTER SHAPE THAN ME. IT’S POSSIBLE TO LIKELY THAT I AM PROJECTING HERE. I AM NOT WRITING THIS UNDER DURESS.

• Anyways, we had a fun night, then got up early for the hotel breakfast which they called an “American buffet.” It was just a normal buffet that they named after us cause we’re fat as fuck.

• Finally, we ventured over to the super nice shopping center of Mykonos that featured just about every luxury store you could imagine. It had all the edgy hipster art that shouldn’t really count as art so you know it was nice. To this day I’m not sure if the graffiti on that middle one is intentional or not.

• My brother and I, dressed scummily as ever, tagged along with my mom and sister even though we had no intention of buying anything. Katelyn found herself in the Louis Vitton store, but Ryan and I didn’t enter. We just didn’t feel comfortable. And with that, I present my second ever European Paradox.

European Paradox: You can’t buy luxury items without first owning luxury items

Europe is well-known, in part, for having great shopping. The people there are in better shape, and thus, have more of an opportunity to wear designer clothes. It’s also just a more style-conscious culture in general. So it’s no surprise that a place where the elite flock to, like Mykonos, has some very expensive stores. But, those stores aren’t exactly for everyone. My brother and I prefer to wear basketball shorts and t-shirts. It’s just how we’ve always been. As a result, we didn’t feel comfortable walking into the Louis Vitton store with my sister. In fact, the store clerks outside all of the luxury stores refused to even make eye contact with us despite welcoming other passerbys in. They just assumed because of how we dressed that we couldn’t afford anything in the store. Admittedly they were right, but it’s still hurtful. So the question is: how do you buy nice shit in Europe if you don’t already own nice shit? It’s just one of the many mysteries of that continent. Side note: we eventually were summoned into the LV store by Katelyn after she spent 45 minutes deliberating on which pair of $20,000 sneakers she wanted. Accountants have problems too people! Anyways she liked the ones below, but we all liked the other pair. She ended up conceding when I pointed out that those look like low-cut basketball sneakers. Girl was trying to drop triple figures on a pair of Louis Vitton 5’s. Told her I wouldn’t spend $700 just to cross someone up during open gym at the Y. Half expected to see the Jordan logo on the inside of the tongue. Think that successfully bullied her out of buying them.

Ok, I think that about covers Mykonos. Here’s a quick photo dump from the rest of the trip. Then we’ll finish with superlatives real fast.

Mykonos Drink of the Week: Whatever this thing is

Genuinely no recollection of what that drink was other than it had strawberry and prosecco, but my God was it delicious. Look at that garnish work too. Got those little balls that may or may not have been edible that I ate regardless. Gorgeous.

Greek Grievance of the Week: This store seems vaguely racist

Feel like “Chinese boutique” would have been a modest improvement, but who am I to question Chen & Lu? One of us owns a business in Mykonos and the other is unemployed. You tell me who’s in the right.

Mykonos Musing of the Week: If Greeks have beef with someone…do they call it lamb?

Beef is certainly part of the cuisine in Greece, but not as much as seafood or lamb. So what do you call it when you’re feuding with someone? Do you have to squash the lamb? It’s important to consider other cultural experiences.

That’s all for this one folks! Took me almost two hours on the nose. We’ve got one more part left in the Hellenic Abroag series. Stay tuned for that in like 3 months-a year probably.