Bizarrely busy today so I have to keep this one extremely short.

Hopped on a flight to Florida last week to hang with my rents for the holidays. When I arrived at Logan, I went down the elevator to get to the part of the airport where you actually board the flight. That’s the part that’s just below three levels of parking garages and just above the random 9/11 memorial.

Side note: who thought that memorial was a good idea at Logan? Maybe don’t remind people who are about to go on a plane that you guys are partially responsible for the worst event in American history. Is the whole memorial just a sign that says, “Whoops, our bad”? I digress.

Anywho, I’m hauling my giant ass bag on my back which especially sucks because my left shoulder is more or less vestigial at this point. Also, we were traveling with my grandparents, and as the only one of my siblings with any muscle tone, I was carrying both of their bags. No need to thank me — I’m just a humble, handsome hero.

And since Ubers insist on dropping you off as far away from the actually security area as possible, I was in for quite a haul.

Now you may be thinking that I’m being slightly dramatic by pretending that carrying 3 bags about 200 yards is anything more than a minor inconvenience.

To those people I say that I’m never dramatic and will kill anyone who says otherwise!

But yeah it normally wouldn’t be that big of an issue, but because of my proclivity to sweat excessively in situations that shouldn’t warrant it, I was worried. Nothing worse than going through the body scanner thing in security and getting flagged by the heat sensors for back sweat.

However as I reluctantly began the long march towards the security line, I was greeted by a welcome sight…

Moving walkways

You know what I’m talking about. These things:

They seem to only exist in airports, which is a damn shame because they are one of mankind’s greatest inventions.

Want to put your bags down and leisurely move across the room? Go ahead.

Want to walk at a slow stroll but still drastically outpace your hardo traveling companion who insists on coming by their steps honestly? Have at it.

It’s an absolute lifesaver when you’re carrying a bunch of heavy shit and just need that brief rest before finishing the haul. The only problem is, there just aren’t enough of them. Like why limit it to airports?

I firmly believe that the moving walkway people are missing a golden opportunity to franchise their creation.

They’d be great for malls, where people have a ton of shopping bags or are just wandering around pretending that walking from a Cinnabon to a Sbarro counts as exercise.

They’d be an ideal fit for the horizontal, store-length aisles in grocery stores. Just grabbed some eggs but remembered you forgot something in the veggie section? Ghost ride that cart all the way back to the other side of the store.

Even college campuses could utilize them. Hungover students can get to and from class and their dorms with ease. Fat relatives attending graduation don’t have to awkwardly ride the school-provided golf carts. It’s a win-win.

But my ultimate dream is for entire cities to utilize these things in lieu of sidewalks. Literally. I once had a dream that I was in some futuristic place (vaguely resembled London) where commuters traveled around town via moving walkway. It was especially odd because my dreams are usually just a distorted version of whatever tv show I fell asleep watching. Thinking Family Guy, but everything is on fire.

It wouldn’t work in a big city like New York, but a walkable city like Boston? Would be dope. Never again would I have to Uber to get somewhere that I could reach faster by walking.

And don’t talk to me about the budget issue. My two suggestions for improving inter-city travel are either ubiquitous moving walkways or bullet trains that cover their entire route inside 10 minutes. You tell me which is more practical.

Anyways, have a good week and find something to be grateful for. Ideally something less stupid than this, like your family or functioning organs.