Merry, Merry fatties! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Normal Sunday of no significance (Jehovah’s Witnesses).

I for one, had a blessed Christmas in North Carolina/Florida with my family. Sidenote: a guy at the Charlotte airport Starbucks said “I’m blessed” when I asked “How are you?” and I’ve decided that’s my thing now. But honestly, I had a wonderful holiday with my family and hope you all did too.

This is my first blog of the week because my “One Thing I Love” would have just been “my family,” which, while nice, doesn’t make for the funniest content. Shoutout to my sibs though for this amazing gift. The Liver officially has merch:

However, as was just pointed out by the parental units, my blog needs “more general funny content” and I need to “lose some of that weight I’ve gained.” As such, I will cease talking about my family at this point and pivot to the main content of this blog.

Christmas time always reminds me of Santa’s reindeer because when the hell else would reindeer be relevant besides Christmas or any time someone in Alaska makes sausage? Anyways, a dumb, wine drunk conversation about these little flying bastards on Christmas night resulted in this blog. Here are all 9 of Santa’s reindeer, and their closest NFL player comparisons. Gonna do retired players too because this was all top of the head:

Dasher - Chris Johnson

There were a lot of players I could have chosen for this. Tyreek Hill, Bo Jackson, John Ross. The list goes on. There’s a lot of burners in the long history of the NFL.

But speed alone isn’t enough to be dasher. You need to be out front, making an impact at the front of the sleigh. You’re literally leading the charge. No one represents that better than Chris Johnson. With the second fastest 40-yard dash time EVER, Johnson is exactly what you want out front. He has great vision so he can navigate well and has the speed to hit every house in the world in one night.

Strong guy to be leading the pack. Hopefully the other reindeer can keep up.

Dancer - Laurence Maroney

This one was comically easy.

Some of you non-football fans or even just non-Pats fans may not know who this is. But longtime Patriots fans remember the infamous Maroney well. The 21st pick overall in the 2006 NFL draft is deceptively one of Belichick’s biggest failures.

Lasting only 4 seasons with the Patriots and 5 total in the NFL, Maroney became known, unfortunately for him, for his frustratingly methodical style of running. Those who watched him would describe it, simply, as dancing.

Rather than use his massive 220-lbs frame to run straight downfield, Maroney opted to dance around laterally, waiting for an opening to run through. More often than not however, that opening was never found and he was tackled at or behind the line of scrimmage. He never managed a 1,000 yard season and is now mocked in mediocre blogs. Having said all that, if you truly need a dancer among the reindeer just to keep the vibe up when the sleigh flies over somewhere sad, Maroney is your guy.

Prancer - Deion Sanders

One of the best athletes to ever walk this earth and a Hall of Fame defensive back, Deon Sanders is an electric presence everywhere he goes. Aside from his on-field skill, Sanders was known for his flashy antics, such as the high-stepping prance he would do into the end zone on a pick six.

This is the showman you need on the sleigh. He’s the one who’s going to bring that Christmas spirit and keep Santa relevant even after thousands of Christmases.

Vixen - Jimmy Garoppolo

Vixen (noun) - a spirited or fierce woman, especially one seen as sexually attractive.

Ok there’s no women in the NFL so I had to take some liberties with this one. Having said that, if there’s one NFL player I would like to have consensual relations with, it’s Jimmy G. He is punishingly attractive. Like we’re talking Marcus Freeman-level attractive. He looks like he’s a direct descendant of Thiccarus, the Greek god of chiseled jawlines.

He’s the kind of guy I want to look me in the eyes and tell me I’m nothing and will always be nothing. I want him to rob me at gunpoint then just burn the money in front of me because he didn’t actually need it; he just wanted to make sure I didn’t have it. I want him to approach me while wearing a letterman jacket, kidnap me, put me in his trunk, drive me to the nearest high school, then stuff me in a locker in a display of his jock alpha-ness. Then later, I want him to pull me aside and apologize, saying the other guys on the team put him up to it and he was just trying to keep up appearances. Then after some initial hesitation, I’ll gradually warm to him and agree to start our relationship over. Then over the next few months, we’ll quietly develop our friendship, exchanging knowing nods in the hallway, and texting each other gifs and memes we find funny and relatable. And just as I’m ready to declare Jimmy my best friend in the whole world, he’ll stop me in the hallway, call all his football buddies over, then pants me in front of everyone, including Christie Taylor, the editor of the school paper that I had a HUGE crush on, a fact I had only ever shared with Jimmy. Then as Christie and the whole school laugh, he’ll shove me in that same locker again. The secret friendship, the knowing nods, the relatable memes — it was all a ruse to gain my trust, only to pull the same prank again, embarrass me in front of my crush, and ensure emotional devastation. I want him to do that to me.

(Yes I’m in therapy. No it’s clearly not working).

Wtf was I talking about? Oh right, reindeer or whatever. Uhh, yeah he’s an attractive dude. He’ll turn Santa’s sleigh into Santa’s slayyyy idk. Let’s move on from this.

Comet - Derrick Henry

That last one took a lot out of me and was far too detailed for everyone’s sake, so let’s keep this one simple. Comets are massive rocks hurling through space at a billion miles an hour, shattering everything unfortunate enough to cross its path. That’s Derrick Henry. A massive 6’3”, 250 lbs grown-ass man who can somehow both run through and run past the best defenders in football.

He’s your workhorse work-reindeer. Some bird tries to fly in front of the sleigh and screw up your itinerary, Derrick Henry clears it out. A plane flies too close to Santa, Derrick Henry grounds that shit. He’s an absolute X-factor on this sled team.

Cupid - Rob Gronkowski

Cupid is synonymous with love right? Find me one person on the face of the earth that doesn’t love Gronk. The man is a child with the body of a Renaissance sculpture. He’s so infectious and lovable, while simultaneously being one hell of a football player.

You throw him on the sleigh, he’s going to both pull his weight and keep things light. He’ll be cracking the same 69 joke to Comet for 12 hours and will giggle uncontrollably when the sleigh arrives in Djibouti. Real fun guy to have around the workshop.

Donner - Tom Brady

You never really hear about Donner. His name isn’t particularly fun and doesn’t rhyme with anything. But if you look at his position on the sleigh, it’s clear that he’s the captain of this sled. Santa’s got him leading from the back, shouting out orders from behind the line.

…Kind of like a quarterback.

Brady is the ultimate leader. When he speaks, people listen. His game isn’t the most flashy relative to the young guns in the league today. But goddamn it can he lead a winning team. If you need a veteran presence who will demand perfection from his guys, you want Donner. You want Tom Brady.

Blitzen - Matthew Judon

Donner’s line—mate Blitzen is also a veteran presence, but with just that little extra element of flare. Donner controls the “offense” of the sleigh. He makes sure they’re on track, on time, and on their game.

Blitzen meanwhile is the defensive leader. If Comet aka Derrick Henry can’t take out a bird, Blitzen is there to fuck that thing up. He keeps Santa free of harm and attacks any potential hazard with force and vigor.

So who better to play Blitzen? The blitz master himself: Matthew Judon.

Opposing QBs want to ruin the Patriots game plan. They want to throw deep and light up the scoreboard. Judon, with his AFC-leading 15.5 sacks, makes sure they can’t. It’s the same role Blitzen plays on the sleigh. If someone or something wants to ruin Santa’s game plan, the Blitz Man is there to level that shit.

Rudolph - Kyle Rudolph/Patrick Mahomes

Got a two-fer here. First, Rudolph is Rudolph. Yep, there’s a guy named Rudolph in the NFL. Kyle Rudolph is everyone’s favorite ginger, which really fits the whole red-nose shtick.

A more apt comparison however, is Patrick Mahomes. Let’s break it down.

Rudolph is the reindeer everyone knows. He’s got the flash, both literally and figuratively, he had a song written about him, and he’s the guy Santa wants guiding the sleigh. That’s Mahomes to a tee. He’s flashy, a superstar, and the guy everyone knows and envies.

Like Rudolph, Mahomes was initially undervalued, slipping behind Mitch Trubisky of all people in his draft class. Now he’s the focal point of the most exciting offense in football. Oh, and he wears red. That helps too.