God I don’t know how many more of these I can do. I’ve tried the optimistic, excited angle. That failed immediately. Then I went with the pessimistic, let’s just have fun angle. BC ruined that with their terribleness. And last week I tried the ironic sarcasm shtick, which really can only be used once before it gets old. So idk, let’s just feign some enthusiasm and pretend this program isn’t an embarrassment to football. Please give me a moment to get into character.

Whaddup BC bitches?! Y'all ready for another electrifying installment of Boston College football? I don’t know about you but I have Eagle fever rn (my temperature is 97.5 degrees).

Your Boston College Eagles fly home to the nest that is Alumni Stadium after a miserable one-sided massacre hard fought battle with Florida State.

This week’s opponent: the Louisville Cardinals.

The Cardinals season got off to a rocky start, but make no mistake, these guys can play. Just two weeks ago, they went toe to toe with the same Florida State team that kicked our sorry, worthless asses into the 6th ring of hell narrowly edged us out in our last contest.

No question, they’re the more talented team (evergreen statement). But we have one huge thing going our way in this one. It’s parent’s weekend.

This means two things:

1. DILFS!!!

2. BC has to play extra hard so they don’t embarrass themselves in front of their families

Will they still embarrass themselves? Probably. But at least they’ll actively be trying to prevent it.

And in other game-changing news, a storm is coming to Chestnut Hill. Not metaphorical — it’s going to rain. Rain means run the damn ball. Personally, I can’t think of a better situation than BC’s terrible, inexperienced O-Line having to open up run lanes all day for backs that are averaging like 0.8 yards per carry.

But hey at least Louisville will struggle on the ground too…

You know what, forget the game. It’s going to be like 50 and rainy. No one is watching that.

Let’s stay in, stock our fridges, and do some good old fashioned early morning drinking. Go Eags!