So I was in the Twitter group chat last night chopping it up with the boys, praying to God that nothing we say ever gets leaked and dashes our collective non-existent political aspirations, when one of the lads sends over this tweet:

The list in question:

You’re probably thinking this is just a big goof right? These clearly aren’t serious topics of conversation. Well don’t be so quick to judge my friend. There’s a lot on this list that can turn an awkward Hinge meetup into a lively meeting of the minds. Let’s break them all down shall we?

Trench warfare in WWI

Coming out of the gate hot! This is a great way, as a man, to differentiate yourself from every WWII history buff out there. WWII is played out. Like good work stopping the Nazis and whatnot boys, but WWI is when men were REALLY men. These dudes were camping out in the mud for weeks just to gain a couple inches of territory here and there. That’s war.

Bringing up trench warfare is a great way to sound smart without actually having to know anything about the war. I probably couldn’t tell you exactly which countries were involved beyond the US and Germany, but you sling a few trench facts, mention mustard gas and chemical warfare, toss in the fact that the war was started because Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated which was significant for reasons, and you’re well on your way to a rousing (or arousing) conversation.

Fun fact to pepper into your next date: Hitler was actually a soldier in WWI and got partially blinded due to mustard gas (he recovered). Think he was in a coma at one point. I try to work Hitler into as many conversations as I can in general so this is a great nugget to have on hand.

The corruption of FIFA

Whether or not your date is a sports aficionado, I promise you she’ll have a keen interest in the footie mafia know as FIFA. They gave a World Cup to a country so hot that the tournament had to be moved 6 months just so players didn’t die on the field. That’s interesting no matter what you’re into.

Big tobacco

Whether you’re a regular smoker or enjoy a bi-annual drunk cig, big tobacco is a topic we can all fondly relate to. Everything in this country runs through big tobacco. All the little stuff you take for granted during your day-to-day is a direct byproduct of big tobacco. The clothes on your back — thank big tobacco. The gas in your car — big tobacco. Your mother’s love — believe it or not, big tobacco.

“But George, with the rise of vapes and juul and Zyn isn’t big tobacco on the decline? There’s so many competitors!” Hahaha you dumb bitch. Big tobacco is like Standard Oil — THEY HAVE NO COMPETITORS.

Now are we living in the heyday of cig smoking? No, of course not. That was in the 50s when ad executives couldn’t get through a pitch without a violent coughing fit that could only be stopped by a 10AM glass of scotch. A great time when babies didn’t cry on airplanes because they were lulled to sleep by smoke inhalation. Then doctors came and ruined everything with their facts and charts.

But if you honestly believe that big tobacco hasn’t evolved with the times then you don’t know BT at all. I promise you that behind the scenes they’ve got their hands in every ecig, vape, and cig replacement product out there. They’re just creating the illusion of competition to fuel sales. We’re all puppets in the hands of big tobacco.

How come the gyro ball was thrown so successfully by Daisuke Matsuzaka and no other MLB player has replicated it?

Did he ever actually throw this pitch? I feel like he just threw like a knuckle curve and we all decided it was something we had never seen before. Personally I would talk about the fact that Hideki Okajima had his own custom entrance song.

Roe vs. Wade

Wow, what a pivot. Yeah this one I might actually avoid. Just praise RBG profusely and hope she just drops it and moves on.

Power ranking the 7 wonders of the world

Stay tuned for this blog. That pyramid in Mexico is last though. How did that thing crack the list? It’s not even the best pyramid in the world.

The 2018 Chicago Bears

Fucking yes dude. This team lost in the Wild Card round so no one really talks about them, but what the hell was that season? The Bears, a perpetually dogshit organization who only win games when it costs me bets, randomly go 12-4 with an absolute DOGSHIT offense. Mitch Trubisky was the QB and had a supporting cast of guys I genuinely don’t think are in the NFL anymore. The defense was just so dominant that they kept winning. Well, until this:

ImagineX toys from the 2000s

Actually had to look this one up, don’t recall ever even hearing about these. More of a Hot Wheels guy.

Harry Styles vs. Taylor Swift: Whose fan base would win in a war?

Unlike Roe vs. Wade, this is a fun debate to engage it. Every first date needs a little back and forth. A touch of repartee if you will. You present a case, she counters with an argument, you get really defensive and gaslight her into thinking she’s dumb and crazy until you browbeat her into agreeing with your point, thus setting the stage for a long and contentious marriage.

As for the debate itself, I think T Swift wins on pure volume. It’s like how Stalin told FDR and Churchill that Russia was happy to keep sacrificing men to dangerous missions because they had so many soldiers to spare. You throw enough people at a problem, eventually you’ll succeed.

The really interesting piece here is the overlap between the fanbases. It’s like the Civil War — brother vs. brother. Or in this case, 16-year-old sister vs. 14-year-old sister.

The creation of the hamburger at Louis’ Lunch in New Haven, CT in 1895

As an enthusiast of both food and useless historical knowledge I can bore my girlfriend with while she scrolls Instagram reels, I’m very surprised I didn’t know about this. Apparently the burger debuted at the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair. Several questions about this:

• Why did St. Louis get a World’s Fair? Were they desperate for exhibitions on spareribs and random stabbings?

• Why does New Haven have so many iconic restaurants? The entire city is based around Yale, greasy food, and random stabbings.

• Wasn’t the burger invented in Hamburg, Germany, hence the name? Feels weird we would name an American food after a German City. Though in fairness I definitely wouldn’t want to grill up a New Havener on the 4th of July. Thing would just be littered with broken glass.

• Why don’t we do World’s Fairs anymore?

I don’t have the answers, but I do know this thing would hit like heroin when you’re hungover.

Toast is kinda sus though. Not hating on it, but you can’t claim to invent the burger and be throwing white bread on top and cheese on bottom. Set the standard.

Tractors

Probably more of a southern first date, but tractors are definitely cool. Talk enough about plowing fields and you subliminally plant the idea of plowing in her head. Chess not checkers.

Cruise ships: how do they stay afloat?

I’m the biggest anti-cruise guy out there. Feels super claustrophobic and gross. You’re stuck with a bunch of fat midwesterns who think that they’re on the floating Ritz, and your only form of entertainment is a lounge singer whose career has gone horribly wrong. Cruises also seem like something poor people think super rich people do for vacation. Really fake luxury.

But as for this debate, I mean it’s a boat? I’ve always assumed that as long as the hull is built correctly and you don’t play slalom with icebergs then you can stack as much weight as you want in a boat and it will never sink.

Worst torture methods in human history

Maybe not the best dinner talk but if you’re looking for pure longevity of conversation, there’s a lot to go on here. My advice would be steer away from the more modern forms of torture because that can get a bit hairy politically. Stick to the medieval or religious-based forms of torture that everyone can engage with and really enjoy.

Some hits to consider: flaying, torture rack, blood eagle (watch Midsommar if you want your next few weeks to be ruined), that thing in Game of Thrones where they put a rat on your stomach and cover it with a bucket then heat up the bucket so the rat panics and starts burrowing into you. And my personal favorite, the Iron Maiden:

Blackbeard the Pirate: rise and fall

I know Blackbeard was a real guy but I like to think of him more as a concept or ideal than a singular human man. I’d avoid this and just discuss pirating in general because it ruins the allure of the legend if you start getting into the logistics of mercantilism and merchant marining.

The creation and popularization of the tv dinner in the 1950s

I love a good frozen dinner. At least the ones that keep the true spirit of the original. In other words, fatty, greasy and filling. Lean Cuisine is bullshit. Apparently salt is like 30 Weight Watcher points because their fettuccine alfredo is bland as hell.

Now Hungry Man, that’s a hell of a frozen meal. God awful for you, but damn it if that salisbury steak doesn’t hit the g-spot (gastrointestinal).

I don’t know how interesting a topic their creation and popularization is though. To me the appeal makes perfect sense — it’s an entire meal ready in like 3 minutes. No prep work, no thawing, no dishes.

Plus, think about the context. It was the 50’s. Men are essentially useless assholes in the domestic sphere, leaving all the cooking to their wives. The wife probably hates her husband because she’s forced to give up her aspirations and raise his snotty nosed kids all day while he unsuccessfully sells phonebooks. Divorce is off the table because I think you got like excommunicated for that back then, so she pounds gin martinis all day while wishing for something more.

You introduce a shelf stable, ready-in-minutes meal to that equation, you bet your ass she’s jumping at the opportunity. Just pop that bad boy in the microwave and throw some Carson on the tv. Food for the whole family.

(Plus, it was post WWII and everyone was still horned up for nuclear technology).

Are we all actually descendants of Genghis Khan?

Yes, next question. Seriously though, kind of interesting topic when you delve into it. I think something like 10% of Mongolians are descendants of GK*.

*This fact brought to you by a loose, probably inaccurate recollection of a sophomore year history class.

There was some documentary being made about Genghis Khan once and the entire crew took DNA samples to see if they were related and the boom guy actually was.*

*This fact brought to you by a loose, probably inaccurate recollection of that same sophomore year history class.

That to me is a pretty comprehensive list of first date topics. I don’t like to ask the same boring questions like “where are you from?” and “it’s Abby, right?” (it wasn’t), so these are fun conversation starters to set the stage for a night of oral stimulation. Thank you, thank you.

Ladies, sound off in the comments. Which of these topics would get YOUR engines revving? It’s big tobacco right?