Despite my fears of this becoming a BC blog and therefore decidedly more negative and much less accessible, I wanted to get this one off before BC officially announces a new head football coach, which could be as soon as tomorrow. All the rumors out there point to Bill O’Brien as the guy, but that reporting was done by BC burner accounts run by drunk sophomores whose sources are even drunker juniors.

Having said that, where there’s smoke, there’s fire and, based on my considerably less drunk sources, I do believe BoB is the guy. I have it on good authority that they conducted other interviews today in Atlanta for some reason, but these are mainly to have a backup plan in the extremely plausible event they cheap out on O’Brien’s contract so that Leahy has money to re-sod Stokes Lawn.

However, in the interest of good journalism or whatever this blog is (a whiskey-induced fever dream maybe?), I’ve done my due diligence on all the possible candidates. Well, the ones whose names I’ve seen floated around/would be fun/I made up for my own amusement. Let’s break ‘em down!

Bill O’Brien

This is the most likely scenario and would be a homerun hire for the Eagles. O’Brien has had a lot of stops in his lengthy coaching career, most recently as the Patriots OC, so he has experience dealing with 0 offensive talent. His two head coaching jobs came with the Houston Texans and then Penn St where he guided the team back to respectability following the shocking Sandusky scandal. Penn State tallied 15 wins and 0 child molestations in two years under O’Brien, a tremendous accomplishment under the circumstances. With the Texans, he managed multiple playoff appearances with Ryan Mallett (RIP) and Brian Hoyer (RIP - he’s still alive, he just sucks), under center which is an incredible feat in its own right. A Massachusetts native, O’Brien could set a winning standard at BC and finish his coaching career with a long tenure in his home state. Also, he went to my high school so that would be a cool feather in our cap. Ayyy Prep.

Al Washington

I actually don’t know much about Al Washington, but have it on good authority that he’s being strongly considered. He’s a former Eagle and is just 39 years old, so he could be a dynamic young coach with a unique ability to relate to the players. By all accounts he’s a strong defensive mind and highly regarded among his teammates and peers. Also he defended Kiwi back in the day after some douche cheap-shotted him, so you know he’s a ride or die guy.

Chip Kelly

I know it sounds crazy but he’s apparently in the mix. UCLA is kind of done with him and he’s looking for an out before they provide one for him. Chip Kelly was the early architect of some of the most electric offenses at Oregon, but tarnished his reputation with a disastrous tenure with the Philadelphia Eagles. I think I wrote an article in college making the case that he was actually psychologically insane just based on his play calling and personnel management. He’s resurrected his career slightly at UCLA, but I wouldn’t be a fan of this hire. He’s a big name and nothing more in my opinion.

Jason Candle

If you don’t know Jason Candle, congrats on not having a huge gambling problem. Candle is the current head coach at Toledo Univeristy (#MACtion) and has been relatively successful in recent years running the Rockets. I’m told by my inside sources (I genuinely have reliable sources, this isn’t a bit) that he’s being considered for the job. This would fit BC’s track record of hiring head coaches from mediocre midwestern schools who weren’t even that good at those mediocre programs. Guy can clearly coach to some degree, but this hire would just be more of the same for a program that needs a shot in the arm desperately.

Brian Flores

Now we’re cooking with gas. Love B-Flo from his Patriots days. As we saw with the Vikings this year, the man runs a hell of a defense and knows how to motivate his players. He’s also quick to sue the organization he works for, which would be extremely funny at BC. The obvious draw of the job would be the chance to run his own show again at his alma mater. The obvious drawback is that he would be leaving the NFL to deal with a poorly run and largely talentless college team. So there’s a bit of pro and con there. He is being talked to though.

Brian St. Pierre

He’s the current head coach at my high school alma mater (Ayyy Prep again) and also Quarterbacked BC at the beginning of the 21st century. He is most notable for almost beating the juggernaut #1-ranked 2001 Miami Hurricanes before throwing a pick six to Ed Reed to lose in devastating fashion. His most notorious NFL moment came ten years later when the Panthers randomly signed him to start a game despite not having played in like 2 years. Didn’t go great. As a coach, he’s turned St. John’s Prep into one of the most dominant teams in Massachusetts high school football, winning multiple state championships in a brief tenure. Granted, being the best football team in Massachusetts is like being the best swimmer in the Sahara, but still — banners fly forever. He’s not a real candidate for the job, I just want him to be. Anyways, here’s that Ed Reed pick six.

Bill Belichick

I kinda think Belichick would just kill himself the second he saw what he had to work with at BC. It would be like in the Office after Steve Carell left and Robert California got the manager job, but walked in, took one look around and left. Coaching BC after the career he’s had would be like breaking up with Margot Robbie and rebounding with an armless, toothless, sub-human hybrid who’s also dead.

Coach O

C’mon this would be so fun. Can you imagine this dude just running around Boston, hooking up every seafood restaurant with a crawfish plug? Would be electric. Now is he a local guy? No, obviously not. But I’ve taken the liberty of simulating how Coach O’s style would translate to the Boston market.

Haha this was fun, but if it’s not O’Brien we light the res on fire.