Whaddup Eagles?! Everyone stoked for tomorrow’s tilt with the Holy Cross Crusaders? Should be super fun. Real quick, before I get into that, I put together a quick recap video with my thoughts on last week’s game:

Northern Illinois. You had 9 months to prepare your team for this game and you lost to Northern fucking Illinois. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by anything we do at this point but c’mon, Northern Illinois?!?! They didn’t even play above expectations and sneak up on us. They were exactly as bad as we thought they were and we still somehow out-shittied them. Seems I was wrong about that “can’t be any worse” prediction.

But hey, at the end of the day that’s football — bad losses happen. It’s not like we paid for the privilege of losing to some school in bumfuck Illinois.

God damn it.

Here’s an idea BC: maybe invest that million into your shitty program instead of paying terrible schools to come here to pad your win total and pretend you’re doing a good job. Oh, and if you’re going to pay for a cupcake schedule, maybe at least win the cupcakes.

Speaking of cupcakes, Holy Cross comes to town this week and I am fully confident we’re going to lose. Hence why you’ll notice the title of this blog has been amended slightly from “Energizing the Eagles” to “Etherizing the Eagles.” I would rather someone just jam an ether-soaked rag into my mouth and knock me into a state of blissful perpetual nothingness then have to watch these idiots prove that we’re not even the best college football team in Massachusetts.

Think I’m overreacting? Think there’s no way we lose to Holy Cross? Here’s their ranking in the FCS national poll, the division just below D1:

For those who don’t know, being ranked #5, even in the FCS is very, very good. These teams aren’t beating Georgia anytime soon, but they regularly take down bottom of the barrel Power Five teams. And folks, there is no one deeper in that barrel than your Boston College Eagles. So yes, I’m worried. Well not really worried. That would imply I care about the outcome. But certainly not confident.

Anyone who came here looking for a pump-up, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Only pump-up from me is the pump-up I’m going to give the tires on my dad’s Highlander before I drive it into the Res. But while I won’t offer any excitement around the game, I CAN offer some enthusiasm for the tailgate…

My fellow Eagles and Dutch people who randomly come to our tailgates and could not have picked a worse team to introduce them to American football,

If you’re reading this then BC’s football season is, once again, dead. I know — it may seem premature to cancel the season on September 9th, but such is the reality of Boston College football. We need to fire Hafley, cut the entire roster, and begin the rebuilding process anew, yet again. It is disheartening but not altogether unexpected.

But that isn’t why we’re gathered here today. No, the football is merely the backdrop this morning — a quickly contrived excuse to commune in a parking lot and get blackout drunk before the sun has even had a chance to fully rise. We are here to tailgate.

Much like my future funeral, this is a joyous occasion for all involved. You get to reconnect with old friends, enjoy a delightful food spread, and shoot your shot with female classmates who are as disinterested in you now as they were when you were 5 years younger and 20 lbs lighter.

Tailgates are one of our greatest privileges as Eagles and as Americans. It doesn’t matter that we are essentially pregaming our own embarrassment. We’re just here to have fun and forget about our dumb lives and collectively terrible choice of college for a while.

You know how much dumb shit you can do at these things? Last week, I bought a BC hat off one of the food vendors then gave the dude a beer I didn’t want. I put in a bid on a Mark Herzlich-signed picture for $5 above the initial asking price and I WON. I haven’t even claimed it yet. Might not even do it. It’s a tailgate, it doesn’t matter.

So grab a friend, fill up a solo cup with my weird purple drink that I’m 80% sure is not Lean, and throw a paper bag over that beautiful face of yours to show Father Leahy that it’s time for him to step down into retirement and/or the grave — whatever comes first.

Go Eagles, I guess!

P.S. Laugh out loud funny that I went 0-3 on last week’s season notes: