*Blows into giant conch shell* EAGLES, ASSEMBLE.

After 8 blissful months of not being embarassed 8 long months without it, Boston College football has finally returned to the Heights as the Eagles kick off their 2023 campaign against Northern Illinois.

Expectations are sky-high for the Eagles as they look to build on the momentum of last season’s dominant 3-win campaign. Remember when we almost got into field goal range against Notre Dame? Me neither.

But it’s not just the 14 BC diehards who see the promise of this team. The national media is all aboard the Boston College hype train as well:

Suck it Virginia. Maybe try to sweep up a little while you’re hanging out in the basement.

A new season brings with it renewed optimism that maybe, just maybe, this will be the year that BC start off with a few wins and get like 8 votes to be ranked in the Top 25 then lose 5 of their next 6 and miss a bowl game entirely. That’s our version of a National Title.

Look, I get it — we sucked last year. But there’s genuine reasons to be cautiously optimistic about this year’s squad. Here, I’ll even list em.

1. They can’t be any worse

A great part of setting the bar on the floor is that any time it lifts 6 inches off the ground people are pretty impressed with you. We won 3 games last year. There’s no way with teams like Northern Illinois, Holy Cross, UVA, Army, and UConn on the schedule that we can do worse than that. Right? Haha, right? Oh God.

2. Gunslinger under center

Emmett Morehead is back for his Redshirt Sophomore campaign with the Eagles and is excited to fully take the quarterback reins from Phil Jurkovec (pictured below). The dude is tall as shit, has a cannon for an arm, and looks damn good in shorts. Yes he kind of panics and throws it up for grabs a lot, but what great quarterback doesn’t want to make a play? And sure, he lost his best and only weapon in Zay Flowers but that just means our offense will be less one-dimensional. Was Zay actually holding us back? Stay woke. Anyways, Morehead is a player (and a life philosophy) I can get behind.

3. Technically we’re still in National Title contention

Everyone is 0 and 0 baby. Clean slate. Tabula Rasa. Learned that Latin at BC — consider your ~$300K investment returned on, dad.

It’s like drawing straws — everyone has an equal chance at picking the right one. Except our straws are paper and have been sitting in sewer water for the better part of a day.

But I’m not here to talk about our inevitable College Football Playoff run. I’m here to get you excited for this game. So here goes:

Ladies and gentleman of Boston College,

Your Eagles need your support today as we take on the Northern Illnois Huskies, one of the worst teams in a conference that is regularly mocked for being comically terrible.

We’re probably the more talented team on paper (actually, are we?), but the Huskies won’t just roll over — unlike actual Huskies who could be very easily compelled to roll over. This is a tough opening test for the Eagles. Not for most normal Power Five programs, but definitely for us. Hell, you throw a decent Florida high school team out there and they might give us a game.

Will we soar to the occasion and fly off with a win? Or will we lay an egg and really de-incentivize people to come to the next three 8AM tailgates? Believe it or not, the answer depends entirely on you. Ok, somewhat on our offensive line, but mostly on you.

I need you to set an alarm for 5:00AM, immediately snooze it because that’s ridiculous, eventually wake up at like 9ish and get your ass to Boston College for a tone-setting tailgate.

We’ll be rocking from 8:30 onwards as we crush some breakfast brews and try to figure out why BC schedules athletic events as if they don’t want anyone to come to them. Drinks of the day are golden mimosas and deep maroon Bloody Marys. Is it a coincidence that the drink colors happen to align with our school colors? Absolutely yes, the connection was pointed out to me after the fact.

Booze aside, I need you all there bright and early, lips teeming with Zyns, and hearts full of BC pride and regurgitated bile on account of the 8AM drinking. We can’t let ourselves lose to a team that couldn’t even commandeer more than a quarter of Illinois. We need to pack Alumni to like 1/8th capacity and be as raucous as 600 fans can be, as we show those pretenders from the MAC that competitive BC football is BACK. (It’s not, just go with it).

Tailgate starts at 8, kickoff is at noon. Roll fucking Eags.